GUY NOIR
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions....Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was January and Minnesota was in the grip of a polar vortex, a sinkhole of suffering You walked around the corner to the coffee shop and you felt as if you were in some National Geographic special about northern Mongolia and a tribe living in yurts. I was praying for the phone to ring (PHONE RINGS) and it did.
TR: Mr. Noir, it's Eddy Patooey, I'm calling from San Francisco....
GK: Say no more, I am on my way. (BRIDGE) I flew out nonstop aboard a no frills airline called Astral Air.
SS: Welcome to our Astral Plane. As you can see, there are no seats, only mats, and for takeoff we would like you to lie on your backs with your knees up to your chin, the Happy Turtle pose, taking deep breaths, and in the three hours that we will be together as a community, we hope to heal and renew and bring you to California with positive power flow.
(BING BONG)
FN (ON P.A., BLISSED OUT): This is your pilot speaking. Wow. -----This is so incredible.----- Man, I am flying already. I am so thankful to all of you and when we reach our cruising altitude, I am going to come around and give out a lot of big hugs. (BRIDGE)
GK: I was looking for Eddie Patooey, an address on Russian Hill, and I walked by a dry cleaner's and somebody grabbed me.
TR (RICO): Your name Norse?
GK: No.
TR (RICO): Don't make me resort to force. You Norse?
GK: Of course not.
TR (RICO): Look at him, Boris. This the man on the horse?
FN: Ask Doris.
TR (RICO): Doris?
SS: Mr. Norse? You drive a Morris?
GK: I drive a Taurus.
SS: Not him, Lawrence.
TR (RICO): Okay. Beat it. You darken our doors again, I'll give you a refresher course in remorse. (STING, BRIDGE)
GK: Eddie Patooey had a one-bedroom apartment with a stunning view of the Golden Gate bridge and Mount Tamalpais.
TR: I signed a lease on this apartment a year ago for $1200 a month and now the lease is up and a guy from Google has offered her $240,000 a month.
GK: Aren't there laws against this?
TR: I guess not. (SFX PARROT SQUAWK)
GK: How can the rent get raised so much?
TR: The guy at Google says he likes the view from the kitchen window.
GK: This is about something more than scenery. Does the name Norse ring a bell with you?
TR: Norse? No.
GK: Anyway, the Google guy's got the money, you don't. How much money you earn?
TR: Depends. Every month is different.
GK: You work freelance?
FN: (PARROT - OFF) Where are my glasses?
TR: I do. I'm a ghost-writer. I ghost-write sermons and I ghost-write apologies for politicians.
GK: Uh huh.
FN: (PARROT-OFF) Aren't you on a diet?
GK: Quite a parrot you've got.
TR: He's not mine. He came with the apartment.
GK: Quite a talker.
FN: (PARROT) Shirley, you call this a Martini?
GK: So you write apologies for politicians?
TR: There's a real art to it. Being contrite while you blame other people.
FN: (PARROT-OFF) My mother? What about your mother?
TR: I wrote one the other day ---- let me go find the video. Be right back. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE)
FN (PARROT): You were asking about a guy named Norse?
GK: Yeah?
FN (PARROT): He's the guy who owned the apartment before.
GK: Really----
FN (PARROT): Worked on an app called Critter.
GK: Critter, huh?
FN (PARROT): Google offered him ten million dollars for it.
GK: Uh huh.
FN (PARROT): He said no and then he went away. With his girlfriend. I don't know where.
GK: This Critter app. Are you using it right now?
FN (PARROT): I am. And so is that dog over there.
TR (DOG): Hi. The name's Matt.
GK: He was a beagle, kind of old, gray muzzle. And he was holding a .45 automatic.
TR (DOG): Got an itchy paw, mister. So if I were you, I'd head out that door and don't come back.
FN (PARROT): Easy, Matt.
GK: I can take a hint. You take care. Nice meeting you. Adios. (BRIDGE) I talked to the landlord and she was not sympathetic.
SS: Look. A guy walks in and offers me a quarter-million to rent an apartment ---- what am I supposed to do? Say no and put in my application for sainthood? I don't think so.
GK: You remember a guy named Norse?
SS: Yeah---- so what? Weird guy. Stayed in his apartment day after day.
GK: He had a girlfriend, though.
SS: She wasn't his girlfriend. She was from Google. She was trying to pry something out of him. I kept telling him that woman was not to be trusted. (STING, BRIDGE)
GK: You wouldn't happen to have a picture of Mr. Norse?
SS: Let me go see. (FOOTSTEPS)
GK: She left the room and something moved in the corner and I saw it was a cat.
FN (CAT): Out the door, Mr. Noir. That way. And hurry up. (FOOTSTEPS)
GK: We went outside and there was a VW Beetle parked, motor running, and Matt the beagle standing on the sidewalk. Wearing goggles.
FN (CAT): Get in the car, Mr. Noir. If you know what's good for you.
GK: Who are you?
FN (CAT): I'm with a software company called Giggle.
GK: Not Google?
FN (CAT): The beagle used to be with Google.
GK: What's your name?
FN (CAT): Arugula.
GK: And the goggles? Those are Google goggles?
TR (DOG): Quadruple Eagle-eye Goggles. To see the inscrutable. In the car.
GK: The VW Beetle.
TR (DOG): Right.
GK: Behind the wheel. You want me to drive----
FN (CAT): Right.
GK: A Google-eyed beagle and a cat named Arugula and me in a Beetle.
TR (DOG): You know too much, Mr. Noir. You see that hill up ahead?
GK: The steep almost vertical hill going down to the Bay?
TR (DOG): Good luck. You've got no brakes.
(CHUCKLES)
GK: And the beagle gave the Beetle a push and down the hill I went at high speed----- whoaaaaaaa (ACCEL) A bus came by in front of me, I swerved around. (SQUEAL, ACCEL) And barely missed a funeral procession. (HORNS PASSING) I was going 60 miles an hour and just missed a cable car (GRINDING, GONGING) and flew over the hill and straight down ----- (HORNS, SQUEAL OF TIRES) and through the next intersection, I hit some garbage cans (SFX) and sideswiped a parked car (CAR ALARM) and over the hill and I flew into the air (SFX) and there was a truck straight ahead with a load of sourdough bread and I landed on the bread (SOFT PFFFFFFF FART) and turned it into matso wafers and got out of the car (DOOR OPEN) and walked away. Not bad driving for a guy who isn't even from here.
FN (HORSE): Way to handle a car, mister. (WHINNY)
GK: Not talking to you.
FN (HORSE): You got a cough drop, mister? I'm a little hoarse. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. (BRIDGE, TIME PASSAGE)
TR: So what did you find out, Mr. Noir? Do I get to keep my apartment?
GK: Mr. Norse found a way to translate animal speech, Mr. Patooey. Google thinks he left the formula here. And if they find it, then Google will control earth, the whales in the sea, the birds in the sky.
FN (PARROT): It's too late, Noir. We're taking over. You humans are on your way out.
GK: I could see the parrot looking at a little radio sitting on the kitchen table. And I could see a blinking light inside it.
GK: Let me see that radio. I pressed the dial and ----
SS ROBOT: Welcome to Critter. State your password.
GK: Norse.
SS ROBOT: I'm sorry, I do not recognize that.
GK: Woof. (BEEPS PHONE KEYS) (HORN) Bingo.
FN (PARROT): Lucky guess, mister.
SS ROBOT: Do you wish to change your password?
GK: Yes.
TR (DOG): No. Please. No.
GK: Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin.
SS ROBOT: Repeat password.
GK: Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin.
SS ROBOT: Your password is saved. (BEEP)
TR (DOG): I'll get you if it's the last thing I do.
FN (PARROT): Curses, Matt. Everything we dreamed of. It's gone. Gone. (FOOTSTEPS IN)
TR: What happened?
GK: Mr. Patooey, I think you can keep your apartment and I think San Francisco is not going to the dogs for awhile anyway. (STING, BRIDGE) I walked out the door and there was the cat looking sullen (MEOW) and she was trying to say something and who knows what (MEOW) and who cares. I looked for a cab to the airport and there was Mr. Norse, sitting on the sidewalk, with a sign, "PLEASE HELP A FORMER TYCOON, A DOLLAR, EVEN 50 CENTS APPRECIATED." I put in a twenty, then a fifty.
FN: Wow. Thanks. You need any help with algorithms or anything?
GK: No thanks, pal. Good luck.
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions....Guy Noir, Private Eye.