Last year was a hard year for parents, a year when one after another study came out showing that something you did for the good of your children actually may have harmed them. Milk, for example. Milk. The Journal of the American Medical Association Pediatrics says milk, even non-fat, may be doing more harm than good because of all the sugar it contains. And as for growing strong bones, bone fracture rates tend to be lower in countries that do not consume milk. And researchers at Harvard found that that music training does not, in fact, make children smarter or help them do better in school. This comes from Harvard. Not from some junior college in Wyoming, but from Harvard. There is no Mozart effect. Processed "low-fat" foods are bad for you- butter and cheese and red meat, in moderation, are good. Researchers did some good things too ---- they proved that vaccines are not involved in causing autism, neither is mercury. They showed the private schools are not necessarily better than public. But still--- milk and Mozart, downgraded. That was tough.

You gave em organic skim milk,

With no growth hormones,

And the study's conclusive that your use of

Milk doesn't grow strong bones.

It doesn't make strong bones at all

Nor does organic kelp

And Vitamins A and E they say

Harm kids more than they help.

There's a scientific study

Every week in the U.S.

Showing that your best decisions,

Made your kid a mess.

And now we hear that musical training

Doesn't make your kid smart

Men with Ph.Ds say feed em cheese

And there's no good in Mozart.

No good in Mozart, They've looked at the chart

They all reject the Mozart effect

There's no good in Mozart

We went to San Diego

And we took our little child,

I said, "You go out and play now,"

She looked up at me and smiled.

And then I read a story

About dramatic test results

That shows everyone who gets too much sun

Gets very depressed as adults.

Please tell us, Mr. Science,

Don't leave us in the lurch.

What are we doin' that will lead to ruin

According to research?

Does pizza made them schizo,

Do hot dogs hurt their heart?

Have the things we did messed up our kid?

And there's no good in Mozart.

If the Magic Flute is in disrepute

If the Jupiter Symphony goes down in infamy

If Don Giovanni is no good for Johnny

If his Requiem does not benefit them

And Cosi fan Tutti does not do its duty

And his Symphony 24 does not raise their test score.

If we went wrong by trusting Wolfgang

Did he betray us, the great Amadeus

Though I should not be indelicate

Maybe we should've been celibate.