Twas Christmas Eve at the jailhouse

For others a holiday

But my Visa card had been declined

And I'd been locked away.

I'd been shopping for my children

And I'd spared no expense

And now I sat in a prison cell

Behind a barbed wire fence.

I was there with other fathers

Who could not disappoint

Their children, so we overspent

And were locked up in the joint

And as long as my children are happy

It means the world to me

And I will gladly do my time

In the penitentiary

And then at the stroke of midnight

I heard a ho ho ho

And a jolly old man with a hacksaw

Cut the bars and said, Let's go.

He had a team of reindeer

Pulling a big red sleigh

I hopped in back with the presents

And we made our getaway.

I wish you a merry Christmas

And also Tiny Tim

Merry Christmas, Holden Caulfield

And also Huck and Jim

And maybe Captain Ahab

Can escape those cruel jaws

And I tell you, yes, Virginia,

Oh there is a Santa Claus.