TR: Yes? Who is it?


SS: Do I have the pleasure of addressing Mr. Marley? Or

Mr. Scrooge?

TR: I'm Scrooge. Marley died. Years ago. Come in. Have a

chair. May I get you an eggnog?

SS: Oh. I'm here collecting donations for the Fund for the

Unfortunate, sir.

TR: Fine. How much did I give last year?

SS: A thousand pounds, sir.

TR: Excellent. We'll double that this year.

SS: Oh, that is very generous, Mr. Scrooge. Would you like

a receipt?

TR: No. No need for that ---

SS: Very well. Merry Christmas---

TR: Merry Christmas to you. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR


FN: Mr. Scrooge---?

TR: What is it, Cratchit?

FN: I was wondering, sir, if I might be able to have

Monday off, seeing as how Christmas falls on a Sunday

this year.

TR: Yes, of course. No problem. Take Tuesday too.

FN: Oh , wonderful. Thank you, sir.


that you and the Mrs. and Tiny Tim have a wonderful


FN: Thank you, sir.

TR: And here. A Christmas bonus.

FN: That's very kind of you, sir.




TR (YAWNING): Time to hit the hay.



Hey hey hey. It's me. The Ghost of Christmas Past.

To show you happy days of yore in just a flash,

Happy days to which you cannot return

But there will be a lesson you can learn.

TR: Ahhh. No need for that, Spirit. I know the past very

well. I was a grasping, covetous old sinner, and then you

three Ghosts visited me one Christmas Eve and I saw the

light and I went on this wonderful medication, Yulival, a

sedative that smoothed out my rough spots and now I am as

light as a feather, I am as happy as an angel, I am as merry

as a school-boy. Remember?


I do, but you're in New York now. Get wise, Jack.

It's a rough town so watch your back.

And kindness is all well and good, of course.

But you gotta eat their lunch or they will eat yours.

TR: No, no, no, no. I' ve reformed. I keep Christmas all

year round in my heart. (WHOOSH) Who's this????


I am the Spirit of Christmas To Come.

In the movie I am silent but on radio that would be dumb.

I've come to show you what shall come to pass

If you don't change your ways and change them fast.

TR: You visited me years ago and you recommended

Yulival and it's been wonderful. One pill in the morning

and I'm happy all day.


That's all fine if you're in Montessori.

But this is a play and you have to stick with the story.

The story ends happily with a big Christmas dinner

But it needs to start out with you a covetous sinner.

TR: Oh dear no. I've changed. I don't want to go back to

the bad Ebenezer.

DD (SINGS): If you aren't bad, the story is destroyed.

CD (SINGS): Theaters will close. Actors unemployed.

DD (SINGS): Gifted actors----


DD (SINGS): Will be unable

CD (SINGS): To do theater and must wait on table.

TR: But I can't be that man again.

CD: You're an actor. Just do it.

TR: But what is my motivation?


TR (TIM): It's me, Mr. Scrooge. Tiny Tim. Remember. I'm

standing here behind this lamppost and I've got a pistol in

me hand. Don't make me use it.

TR: Tiny Tim??

TR (TIM): I used to have a job, November through

January, eight shows a week, earning good money as a

cripple. And now---- nothing. Thanks to you.

TR: I'm sorry.

TR (TIM): You'll be even sorrier if you don't start Bah

Humbugging. I'll cut you a new buttonhole, I will.

SS: He ain't so tiny anymore. Great big strapping lad he is.

TR: How are you, Mrs. Cratchit?

SS: My name isn't Cratchit. It's Sue Scott. I used to play

Mrs. Cratchit. Until you got all warm and cuddly.

TR (SCROOGE): But I love Christmas.

CD: You can do it. Say it. Say the H word.

DD: Please. We need you to grasp and squeeze and scrape.

TR: But what is my motivation?


TR (scrooge): If I had my way, every idiot who goes about

with 'Merry Christmas' on his lips should be boiled with his

own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his

heart. Bah, Humbug.

CD: Again.

TR (SCROOGE): Bah, Humbug!

GK: And he was true to his word and he went back to

playing Scrooge as he should be played, grasping and

wrenching and covetous, and so Christmas was Christmas

again. (BRIDGE) Christmas is many different things. It has

it's high holy aspect, of course.....

TR (ANGLICAN): And we read in Scripture, Behold Him,

lying in a manager. Let's look closely at that word-----

behold. To be, to exist, and also to hold, to have. There is

that which we are and there is that which we possess. And

then there is the manager ---- do we not see here-----

excuse me? ------ Oh, yes. Manger. Never mind. Smoke got

in my eyes.

GK: And Christmas has its low bawdy aspects of


TR (OLD BEERY ENGLISHMAN): More beer there, you

lusty wench!And hack me off another big hunk of that there

beef too. The part with the big clots of fat on it. That's

right. And a piece for me dogs. (DOGS)

SS (WENCH): Get those filthy dogs down off of the

table! Where do you think you are, in a barn?

TR: These dogs ain't no filthier than I am! Haw haw haw

haw haw! And a beer for my dogs too! Haw haw haw haw


GK: And what would Christmas be without the druids in

their long white robes and their candles?

DIGIs (CHANTING, TIGHT, NASAL):Wassail, wassail,

wassail, the drinks are colossal, and wassail makes you

docile......to heck with the apostles, let's drink some

wassail. (DRONE)

GK: And there is also a mournful aspect of Christmas.

TR (RUSSIAN): The snow falls in the forest of birch trees,

just as it did the year Natasha ran away with the coachman

and left me here with a longing that can never be satisfied,

a song that will never be sung, a fever of the soul, and here

I am, a wounded owl flying through the dark toward a tree

that is no longer there. (SOBBING). Oh, Natasha. Why?

GK: These things all exist in balance---- The high spiritual-


TR (ANGLICAN): And it says in Scripture: Rejuice and be

glad. Let's look at that word "rejuice" ---- what do we see

here? To rejuice---- to juice again ---- surely there is------

excuse me? What? Oh. Never mind. My mistake. Hold that

candle up higher, Aidan. Thank you.

GK: And the low carnal ----

FN (ENGLISH): Where's me pig brains? Wouldn't be

Christmas wi'out pig brains!

SS: Aaaoooooooo. Want yer pig brains poached or boiled?

TR: Pig brains??? You don't poach pig brains!

FN: No sir.

TR: Not for Christmas. Christmas pig brains is always

served raw in a big tin plate, they is. (SLURPING) Now

that's what I call good pig brains.

GK: And Christmas also has to include bitter resentment.

SS: All those years I sacrificed, so everybody else could

have a nice Christmas, but was it fun for me? No, it was

not. I've been sacrificing all my life. Good old Eunice.

That's me. And now what do I have for myself? Nothing.


GK: And what would Christmas be without some druids?

DIGIs (CHANTING): Hallelujah chorus, what's with the

menorahs, where's your husband Morris, is he waiting for

us......in his big white Taurus, . (DRONE)

GK: It's a complex multi-layered holiday. High spiritual

(TR ANGLICAN: And also with you.) and gloomy (TR

RUSSIAN: Snow falling in the orchard, darkness, and we

are all out of borscht) and bitter (SS: What thanks did I

get? Not a word.) and the vulgar. (TR: More beer for me

dogs. DOG LAPPING) And Scrooge. (TR: Let them die

then and reduce the excess population.)

FN (SINGS): Have yourself a merry little Christmas,

Get some dynamite

Light a match

And let's blow up the tree tonight.


Have yourself a merry little Christmas,

Make the Yule-tide fun,

Go next door

and ring the bell and then we'll run.


Here we are with some alcohol

So let's call up friends to come

Faithful friends who are dear to us

Bring some beer to us and rum.


Here's to Scrooge

And here's to all the choirs

And George Handel too

And from the Prairie Home cast and crew

A very merry Christmas to you. (ROCKETS)