GK: ....brought to you by the Trenton College of Medicine,
which offers a degree as a paramedical in just six weeks
through our home study program. Six weeks and you can
put on the blue scrubs and put a stethoscope around your
neck.
The practice of medicine is changing rapidly and the gentle
family doctor of yesteryear ---- (TR JIMMY: Hello, Mary--
-- how are you doing these days? And now's John? I hear
the kids are all grown up and gone off to college. Gosh,
time sure passes quickly.) --- is hard to find, replaced by
high-technology. (FN ROBOT: You have a sore throat and
we are now going to give you an M.R.I. Hold very still.
BUZZ, DING, GRIND, WHIRR, BONK BONK) and the
gentle family doctor who was always a little cautious about
stuff (TR JIMMY: We're going to wait and see what
develops and maybe that achiness in your chest will just go
away) has been replaced by technical wizards eager to
work their magic (FN ROBOT: Hold very still. BUZZ,
DING, GRIND, BONK BONK. KLAXON. E-4. E-4. Code
blue. E-4. KLAXON). Some gentle family doctors have
attempted to master the new technology but they're too old.
(TR JIMMY: I'm going to insert this catheter into this vein
in your leg and thread it up and into the atrium of your
heart, John, using these little robotic controls and watching
the catheter on that TV monitor ---- BUZZ. DING DING
DING ---- Oh my gosh, look at that ---- I've just cut your
heart into little slices, John. I don't know what happened.
Pushed Delete instead of Control, I guess.)
GK: And so the field of medicine is more and more being
taken over by doctors in their mid-teens whose experience
with video games has given them the surgical skills that are
needed. (TR TEEN: Okay, duuuuuuuude ---- we're going
in. (DING DING DING) I see blood clots. Gross. Gotta get
em. LASER CANNON SHOTS. Bingo bingo. Gottim.
There's a big muthat there. MACHINE GUN. Goodbye,
thrombo.) These punk doctors are great in surgery but
patients tend not to trust a physician with a lot of tattoos
and a blue Mohawk. (TR TEEN: Dude, come in, park it,
what can I do, bro?) And so our clinics need to train
paramedicals who look and talk like doctors and who keep
the patient calm until the sedative kicks in. (TR JIMMY:
You're doing just fine, Mary. Everything is looking good.
I'll be done in a few minutes and you won't feel a thing.)
And the real doctor takes over. (TR TEEN: Whoa. Look at
that tissue there. Bad stuff. LASER GUNS) Become a
paramedical and enjoy the prestige of medicine with none
of the anxiety. With a degree from the Trenton College of
Medicine. (TR JIMMY: Gosh, time sure passes quickly,
don't it.) Yes, it does, and your paramedical training will be
over in just four weeks. Enroll now and you'll be seeing
patients by the first of February.
(SS: I can't stop eating, Doctor. I've gained 75 pounds
since Christmas. Help me.) (TR: We can get rid of those 75
pounds and more right now thanks to laser surgery, Mary.
Just lie down here and the nurse will give you a sedative.)
GK: If you're kindly and you have twinkly eyes and
graying hair and can use words like "regenerative" you can
become a paramedical.
CD (SINGS): Triple bypass, put a stent in----
You're a paramedical from Trenton.