GK: ....brought to you by the Trenton College of Medicine,

which offers a degree as a paramedical in just six weeks

through our home study program. Six weeks and you can

put on the blue scrubs and put a stethoscope around your


The practice of medicine is changing rapidly and the gentle

family doctor of yesteryear ---- (TR JIMMY: Hello, Mary--

-- how are you doing these days? And now's John? I hear

the kids are all grown up and gone off to college. Gosh,

time sure passes quickly.) --- is hard to find, replaced by

high-technology. (FN ROBOT: You have a sore throat and

we are now going to give you an M.R.I. Hold very still.


gentle family doctor who was always a little cautious about

stuff (TR JIMMY: We're going to wait and see what

develops and maybe that achiness in your chest will just go

away) has been replaced by technical wizards eager to

work their magic (FN ROBOT: Hold very still. BUZZ,


blue. E-4. KLAXON). Some gentle family doctors have

attempted to master the new technology but they're too old.

(TR JIMMY: I'm going to insert this catheter into this vein

in your leg and thread it up and into the atrium of your

heart, John, using these little robotic controls and watching

the catheter on that TV monitor ---- BUZZ. DING DING

DING ---- Oh my gosh, look at that ---- I've just cut your

heart into little slices, John. I don't know what happened.

Pushed Delete instead of Control, I guess.)

GK: And so the field of medicine is more and more being

taken over by doctors in their mid-teens whose experience

with video games has given them the surgical skills that are

needed. (TR TEEN: Okay, duuuuuuuude ---- we're going

in. (DING DING DING) I see blood clots. Gross. Gotta get

em. LASER CANNON SHOTS. Bingo bingo. Gottim.

There's a big muthat there. MACHINE GUN. Goodbye,

thrombo.) These punk doctors are great in surgery but

patients tend not to trust a physician with a lot of tattoos

and a blue Mohawk. (TR TEEN: Dude, come in, park it,

what can I do, bro?) And so our clinics need to train

paramedicals who look and talk like doctors and who keep

the patient calm until the sedative kicks in. (TR JIMMY:

You're doing just fine, Mary. Everything is looking good.

I'll be done in a few minutes and you won't feel a thing.)

And the real doctor takes over. (TR TEEN: Whoa. Look at

that tissue there. Bad stuff. LASER GUNS) Become a

paramedical and enjoy the prestige of medicine with none

of the anxiety. With a degree from the Trenton College of

Medicine. (TR JIMMY: Gosh, time sure passes quickly,

don't it.) Yes, it does, and your paramedical training will be

over in just four weeks. Enroll now and you'll be seeing

patients by the first of February.

(SS: I can't stop eating, Doctor. I've gained 75 pounds

since Christmas. Help me.) (TR: We can get rid of those 75

pounds and more right now thanks to laser surgery, Mary.

Just lie down here and the nurse will give you a sedative.)

GK: If you're kindly and you have twinkly eyes and

graying hair and can use words like "regenerative" you can

become a paramedical.

CD (SINGS): Triple bypass, put a stent in----

You're a paramedical from Trenton.