GUY NOIR
(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its
secrets. But on the twelfth floor of the Acme building, one
man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent
questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was mid-December and I was starting to think about
who I might like to spend Christmas with ---- going down
my list of close personal friends ---- Bogey (TR: Play it
again, Sam ---- play "Joy To The World") and of course the
big man, Duke (TR WAYNE: Merry Christmas to you,
Pilgrim. And now let's saddle up and go get those
shepherds.) and Jack (TR RICO: ) and then the phone rang
---- it was a New York area code-----
PS: It's Paul Shaffer, Mr. Noir. Calling from New York.
GK: You mean, the Paul Shaffer?
PS: You could say that. Anyway I got a problem. I'm a
musician and I'm crazy in love with the most beautiful
woman in New York. And she's got a crush on a singer.
He's got beautiful hair. I've got none. I need your help.
GK: But you're a famous musician, we see you on TV
every night----
PS: Late night. And she's not a late-night person. She's a
Lutheran pastor.
GK: I'll be there by morning, sir. (STING)
GK: So I got myself a cheap ticket to New York aboard
Virgin Air. (BING BONG)
FN (WOMAN, SOFT BUT FIRM): I am Alexis your flight
attendant and as you can see all the girls are on this side of
the plane and all the boys are on that side. I do not want to
see any intermingling or interaction or any inter- anything.
You hear me? When I say no, I mean no. Don't mess with
Alexis. (STING)
GK: I landed at LaGuardia ---- and got a taxi into
Manhattan (ACCEL, BRAKES, SWERVING, TR
CURSING IN EGYPTIAN) and took it to the address Mr.
Shaffer had given, 93rd and Broadway, which turned out to
be a Lutheran church. (BRAKES SCREECH, TR
EGYPTIAN) It was on the corner and on one side of the
building there was a drive-up window. I walked over just as
a woman in an S.U.V. pulled up.
PS (ON SPEAKER): Welcome to Advent Coffee, how may
I help?
SS: A latte and a cheese Danish.
PS (ON SPEAKER): Swiss, cheddar, provolone,
gorgonzola, monterey jack, brick, Brie, or curds.
SS: Uh.....curds.
PS (ON SPEAKER): What size curds? We have Spider,
Tuffet, Humpty, or Dumpty size.
SS: Uh.....spider.
PS (ON SPEAKER): And would you care for whey with
your curds?
SS: No whey.
PS (ON SPEAKER): And what size latte? We have the
demi, the Sammy, the maxi, the whoopee, and the hubbahubba
bucket.
SS: How big is the Sammy?
PS (ON SPEAKER): Not as big as the maxi.
SS: I'll take that one.
PS: Danish with curds, no whey, and a Sammy coffee.
That'll be three-sixty-nine. Please pull ahead to window
two. (BRIDGE)
GK: I walked into the church and there he was sitting at the
organ. He wore a headset and he was writing down orders
on slips of paper and giving them to a collie who carried
them away (BARKS, RUNNING) ---- So----- Mr. Shaffer--
--- this is your day job.
PS: I was hoping to keep it hush-hush, but yeah.
GK: Why are you working a church gig?
PS: It's for the money.
GK: I assumed a national TV show would pay pretty
darned well.
PS: It would---- but I made the mistake of telling somebody
that I love music so much that I'd be willing to pay them to
let me play. And word got back to CBS and they took me
up on it.
GK: So you pay to be on that show?
PS: It's only fifty bucks. And I really love doing it.
(FOOTSTEPS)
CD: Paul----- was that a danish with spider curds or tuffet?
PS: Can't you read my handwriting?
CD: There's dog spit on the order. (WOOF)
PS: Oh. Sorry about that.
CD: Hello-----
GK: Hi, I'm Guy Noir. You must be----
CD: Natasha. (BRIDGE)
GK: It was pretty clear from the look on his face that she
was the woman he was in love with. She was tall and
beautiful and her blonde hair hung down sort of like what
Beethoven had in mind when he wrote the Moonlight
sonata. She wore vestments and a clerical collar and yet she
made them exciting. There was a light in her eyes and an
effervescence, an ebullience, a joie de vivre that one does
not necessarily associate with those of the Lutheran
persuasion.
CD: And don't forget, Paul, we're rehearsing the
contemporary service today, soon as the Larson sisters
arrive.
PS: Yes, of course. Looking forward to it. (FOOTSTEPS
AWAY) -----I hate that contemporary service. Well, maybe
"hate" is too strong a word. I loathe and despise it.
GK: So she's the pastor here?
PS: Interim pastor. First of the year they're sending her
away to Minnesota. I may never see her again.
GK: So who's the singer she's got a crush on?
PS: He's back there in the choir room. Eric. (FOOTSTEPS,
BRIDGE)
GK: I walked back and saw that the vestry had been made
into a kitchen (ESPRESSO), they were making lattes for
the drive-up traffic, and I went down the stairs to the choir
room and looked in and saw a man singing to himself in the
mirror.
FN (SINGS): I am a Lutheran, but cool, mon cher.
Went to St. Olaf, I was beautiful there.
Now I sing opera and I live in Montclair.
I have great hair, I have great hair.
GK: Excuse me, Eric.
FN: Who are you?
GK: I'm an ear, nose, throat man just happened to be
passing by and I think you may have nodes on your septum.
Let me hear you sing some more----
FN (SINGS):
I am a Lutheran ---- though I know it's odd,
Cause I am handsome, charming, and square-jawed
But I'm a member of the Lutheran squad.
A mighty fortress is our God.
GK: I'm sure of it. Nodes. Nasal nodes. Let me have a
look. Open wide. (FN GAGGING) Wider. (FN
GAGGING, GROANING) ---- And I gave him a shot of
spray from an inhaler (SFX) that I keep chloroform in and
(FN FAINT) he went limp and I dragged him into a closet
(SFX) and closed the door (SFX) and went upstairs.
(FOOTSTEPS UP) And the Larson sisters were in the
sanctuary, practicing the contemporary hymns.
(ORGAN TONE, FOR NOTE)
DIGIS (SING):
It's quiet outside, this special time
Not much happening and a full moon
See the Virgin and there is her kid
A special kid and well-behaved
Hope he sleeps through the night
Hope he sleeps through the night.
GK: Very nice. Very contemporary.
CD: Well, young people don't care for the traditional
language, you know.
GK: Oh. Okay.
CD: So we're trying to make it more contemporary.
GK: Probably a good idea.
DIGIS (SING):
Hey don't be sad you guys out there
Don't let stuff get you down
'Cause Jesus he was born you know and he will be
your friend
To make sure you don't do bad stuff and hang out
with bad friends
So chill out and cheer up
Chill and cheer up
So chill out and cheer up
GK: Lovely.
CD: You didn't happen to see a man named Eric, did you?
GK: I did. I think he decided to lie down for awhile.
CD: I thought he was taking me out to dinner.
(FOOTSTEPS)
GK: She went away with the Larson Sisters and I looked at
the organist and he looked troubled. And then he launched
into an old hymn and (ORGAN, WAILING ON MIGHTY
FORTRESS) it didn't sound like your typical Lutheran
church organ. He was bobbing around up there and
grinning and it took him a minute to notice that I was there.
----- (ORGAN STOPS)
GK: You're good. You really put something into an old
hymn that I didn't know was there.
PS: Well, my daddy was the real musician in the family. He
was an engineer on the Trans-Canadian line. He could blow
that whistle and make it sing. (ORGAN RIFF ON TRAIN
WHISTLE) Some people in the congregation think I play
too loud and fast. The Bible says to make a joyful noise
unto the Lord but I guess it's too joyful for some people.
Tell me something. Do you think I talk too loud?
GK: You're maybe a little intense. But it's New York.
PS: (A LITTLE SOFTER) How's this?
GK: Better.
PS: Lutherans are quiet people. They hate conflict. Try to
be inconspicuous. I don't want to offend her, you know?
GK: You think Natasha's offended?
PS: I donno. I grew up Presbyterian. In a town called
Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin. Ever hear of it?
GK: Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin? Of course.
PS: On the Penobscot peninsula. I played in the
Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin Pipe Band. We played for
the Penobscot Independence Day Parade. And I think
maybe my volume got turned up too loud for a Lutheran.
CD: I don't think so. (STING)
GK: She was standing off to the side, behind a pillar. She'd
heard everything.
CD: I'm not your standard Lutheran minister, Paul. I put
myself through theology school dancing at the Copa.
PS: You? At the Copa?
CD: Downstairs. In the Boom Boom Room.
PS: You were in burlesque?????
CD: I was. And I miss it. I miss dancing in my undies. All
those men feasting their eyes on me. I felt empowered by it.
(SHE SINGS)
O love that will not let me go.
I rest my weary soul in thee;
And thanks for coming to my show
And if you'd leave ten bucks or so
How happy I would be.
PS: Wow.
FN: Wow indeed.
CD: Eric!
FN: What time is it? Am I still in time for dinner?
CD: Someone said you took a nap.
FN: I guess so. I don't remember. (SHAKES HEAD) I feel
groggy. So where are we going for dinner?
CD: Over to Brooklyn.
FN: Brooklyn!!! They got restaurants over there???
CD: What did you say?
FN: Why not go down to Tribeca-----
CD: What did you say about Brooklyn?
FN: What's the matter?
CD: Brooklyn is where I'm from.
FN: You're not from New York?
CD: Brooklyn is New York. The real New York.
FN: You sure don't sound like Brooklyn.
CD: They taught us how to talk in divinity school.
FN: I can't believe you're from Brooklyn.
CD: (NY) Yeah and what you got against Brooklyn? Huh?
FN: Nothing. It's just that---- you're such a classy woman--
--
CD (NY): Oh yeah? I'll show you classy ---- how about a
great big knuckle sandwich?
FN: I'm sorry!
CD (NY): Whatcha looking at? Ain't you never seen a
woman before? Put your eyes back in your head. Jeeze! Of
all the weirdos in this town, I had to run into you.
PS: She's from Brooklyn all right. Beautiful. I love it.
FN: I'm sorry, I didn't mean-----
CD: Beat it.
FN: But I thought we were going to-----
CD (SINGS):
Did you ever know that you're a zero
And everything you say is untrue
You are a turkey, not an eagle
And I am going to fly right over you.
PS: Natasha----
CD: Oh Paul.
PS: Natasha.
CD: How about dinner?
PS: How about that-----
CD (SINGS):
O Joy that comes to me through dance,
More so than through theology;
I'm longing for a big romance,
And wonder if I stand a chance,
And if you care for me. (STING, BRIDGE)
GK: They went off hand in hand and I found a bar to sit in
and watch the bubble lights on the back bar. (SFX) And
the fish tank (SFX). The Cocktails sign in the window
flashing off and on. (SFX) I should've felt sad but I didn't.
It just felt like peace on earth and good will and all.
(PHONE RING) (PICK UP)
GK: Yeah?
PS: Hi, Noir.
GK: Paul. How's things?
PS: Great.
GK: You fell in love, I hope.
PS: Had no choice.
SAT 12/14/13 7:04 PM
Page 14 of 15
GK: And you feel like you're in a novel, all your sensations
heightened, life is intoxicating.
PS: All of that.
GK: And you decided to get married?
PS: I'm meeting her at City Hall in half an hour.
GK: That's terrific. Congratulations. You must be the
happiest guy in the world.
PS: Only problem is that she still wants to move to
Minnesota.
GK: Oh?
PS: She's got a call there. A little church up in
Winnebigoshish.
GK: I know it well. It's a lot like
Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin.
PS: Well, that's not bad. Could be worse.
GK: That's what we say, too.
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its
secrets. But one man is still trying to find the answers to
life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)