TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its

secrets. But on the twelfth floor of the Acme building, one

man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent

questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.


GK: It was mid-December and I was starting to think about

who I might like to spend Christmas with ---- going down

my list of close personal friends ---- Bogey (TR: Play it

again, Sam ---- play "Joy To The World") and of course the

big man, Duke (TR WAYNE: Merry Christmas to you,

Pilgrim. And now let's saddle up and go get those

shepherds.) and Jack (TR RICO: ) and then the phone rang

---- it was a New York area code-----

PS: It's Paul Shaffer, Mr. Noir. Calling from New York.

GK: You mean, the Paul Shaffer?

PS: You could say that. Anyway I got a problem. I'm a

musician and I'm crazy in love with the most beautiful

woman in New York. And she's got a crush on a singer.

He's got beautiful hair. I've got none. I need your help.

GK: But you're a famous musician, we see you on TV

every night----

PS: Late night. And she's not a late-night person. She's a

Lutheran pastor.

GK: I'll be there by morning, sir. (STING)

GK: So I got myself a cheap ticket to New York aboard

Virgin Air. (BING BONG)

FN (WOMAN, SOFT BUT FIRM): I am Alexis your flight

attendant and as you can see all the girls are on this side of

the plane and all the boys are on that side. I do not want to

see any intermingling or interaction or any inter- anything.

You hear me? When I say no, I mean no. Don't mess with

Alexis. (STING)

GK: I landed at LaGuardia ---- and got a taxi into


CURSING IN EGYPTIAN) and took it to the address Mr.

Shaffer had given, 93rd and Broadway, which turned out to

be a Lutheran church. (BRAKES SCREECH, TR

EGYPTIAN) It was on the corner and on one side of the

building there was a drive-up window. I walked over just as

a woman in an S.U.V. pulled up.

PS (ON SPEAKER): Welcome to Advent Coffee, how may

I help?

SS: A latte and a cheese Danish.

PS (ON SPEAKER): Swiss, cheddar, provolone,

gorgonzola, monterey jack, brick, Brie, or curds.

SS: Uh.....curds.

PS (ON SPEAKER): What size curds? We have Spider,

Tuffet, Humpty, or Dumpty size.

SS: Uh.....spider.

PS (ON SPEAKER): And would you care for whey with

your curds?

SS: No whey.

PS (ON SPEAKER): And what size latte? We have the

demi, the Sammy, the maxi, the whoopee, and the hubbahubba


SS: How big is the Sammy?

PS (ON SPEAKER): Not as big as the maxi.

SS: I'll take that one.

PS: Danish with curds, no whey, and a Sammy coffee.

That'll be three-sixty-nine. Please pull ahead to window

two. (BRIDGE)

GK: I walked into the church and there he was sitting at the

organ. He wore a headset and he was writing down orders

on slips of paper and giving them to a collie who carried

them away (BARKS, RUNNING) ---- So----- Mr. Shaffer--

--- this is your day job.

PS: I was hoping to keep it hush-hush, but yeah.

GK: Why are you working a church gig?

PS: It's for the money.

GK: I assumed a national TV show would pay pretty

darned well.

PS: It would---- but I made the mistake of telling somebody

that I love music so much that I'd be willing to pay them to

let me play. And word got back to CBS and they took me

up on it.

GK: So you pay to be on that show?

PS: It's only fifty bucks. And I really love doing it.


CD: Paul----- was that a danish with spider curds or tuffet?

PS: Can't you read my handwriting?

CD: There's dog spit on the order. (WOOF)

PS: Oh. Sorry about that.

CD: Hello-----

GK: Hi, I'm Guy Noir. You must be----

CD: Natasha. (BRIDGE)

GK: It was pretty clear from the look on his face that she

was the woman he was in love with. She was tall and

beautiful and her blonde hair hung down sort of like what

Beethoven had in mind when he wrote the Moonlight

sonata. She wore vestments and a clerical collar and yet she

made them exciting. There was a light in her eyes and an

effervescence, an ebullience, a joie de vivre that one does

not necessarily associate with those of the Lutheran


CD: And don't forget, Paul, we're rehearsing the

contemporary service today, soon as the Larson sisters


PS: Yes, of course. Looking forward to it. (FOOTSTEPS

AWAY) -----I hate that contemporary service. Well, maybe

"hate" is too strong a word. I loathe and despise it.

GK: So she's the pastor here?

PS: Interim pastor. First of the year they're sending her

away to Minnesota. I may never see her again.

GK: So who's the singer she's got a crush on?

PS: He's back there in the choir room. Eric. (FOOTSTEPS,


GK: I walked back and saw that the vestry had been made

into a kitchen (ESPRESSO), they were making lattes for

the drive-up traffic, and I went down the stairs to the choir

room and looked in and saw a man singing to himself in the


FN (SINGS): I am a Lutheran, but cool, mon cher.

Went to St. Olaf, I was beautiful there.

Now I sing opera and I live in Montclair.

I have great hair, I have great hair.

GK: Excuse me, Eric.

FN: Who are you?

GK: I'm an ear, nose, throat man just happened to be

passing by and I think you may have nodes on your septum.

Let me hear you sing some more----


I am a Lutheran ---- though I know it's odd,

Cause I am handsome, charming, and square-jawed

But I'm a member of the Lutheran squad.

A mighty fortress is our God.

GK: I'm sure of it. Nodes. Nasal nodes. Let me have a

look. Open wide. (FN GAGGING) Wider. (FN

GAGGING, GROANING) ---- And I gave him a shot of

spray from an inhaler (SFX) that I keep chloroform in and

(FN FAINT) he went limp and I dragged him into a closet

(SFX) and closed the door (SFX) and went upstairs.

(FOOTSTEPS UP) And the Larson sisters were in the

sanctuary, practicing the contemporary hymns.



It's quiet outside, this special time

Not much happening and a full moon

See the Virgin and there is her kid

A special kid and well-behaved

Hope he sleeps through the night

Hope he sleeps through the night.

GK: Very nice. Very contemporary.

CD: Well, young people don't care for the traditional

language, you know.

GK: Oh. Okay.

CD: So we're trying to make it more contemporary.

GK: Probably a good idea.


Hey don't be sad you guys out there

Don't let stuff get you down

'Cause Jesus he was born you know and he will be

your friend

To make sure you don't do bad stuff and hang out

with bad friends

So chill out and cheer up

Chill and cheer up

So chill out and cheer up

GK: Lovely.

CD: You didn't happen to see a man named Eric, did you?

GK: I did. I think he decided to lie down for awhile.

CD: I thought he was taking me out to dinner.


GK: She went away with the Larson Sisters and I looked at

the organist and he looked troubled. And then he launched

into an old hymn and (ORGAN, WAILING ON MIGHTY

FORTRESS) it didn't sound like your typical Lutheran

church organ. He was bobbing around up there and

grinning and it took him a minute to notice that I was there.


GK: You're good. You really put something into an old

hymn that I didn't know was there.

PS: Well, my daddy was the real musician in the family. He

was an engineer on the Trans-Canadian line. He could blow

that whistle and make it sing. (ORGAN RIFF ON TRAIN

WHISTLE) Some people in the congregation think I play

too loud and fast. The Bible says to make a joyful noise

unto the Lord but I guess it's too joyful for some people.

Tell me something. Do you think I talk too loud?

GK: You're maybe a little intense. But it's New York.

PS: (A LITTLE SOFTER) How's this?

GK: Better.

PS: Lutherans are quiet people. They hate conflict. Try to

be inconspicuous. I don't want to offend her, you know?

GK: You think Natasha's offended?

PS: I donno. I grew up Presbyterian. In a town called

Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin. Ever hear of it?

GK: Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin? Of course.

PS: On the Penobscot peninsula. I played in the

Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin Pipe Band. We played for

the Penobscot Independence Day Parade. And I think

maybe my volume got turned up too loud for a Lutheran.

CD: I don't think so. (STING)

GK: She was standing off to the side, behind a pillar. She'd

heard everything.

CD: I'm not your standard Lutheran minister, Paul. I put

myself through theology school dancing at the Copa.

PS: You? At the Copa?

CD: Downstairs. In the Boom Boom Room.

PS: You were in burlesque?????

CD: I was. And I miss it. I miss dancing in my undies. All

those men feasting their eyes on me. I felt empowered by it.


O love that will not let me go.

I rest my weary soul in thee;

And thanks for coming to my show

And if you'd leave ten bucks or so

How happy I would be.

PS: Wow.

FN: Wow indeed.

CD: Eric!

FN: What time is it? Am I still in time for dinner?

CD: Someone said you took a nap.

FN: I guess so. I don't remember. (SHAKES HEAD) I feel

groggy. So where are we going for dinner?

CD: Over to Brooklyn.

FN: Brooklyn!!! They got restaurants over there???

CD: What did you say?

FN: Why not go down to Tribeca-----

CD: What did you say about Brooklyn?

FN: What's the matter?

CD: Brooklyn is where I'm from.

FN: You're not from New York?

CD: Brooklyn is New York. The real New York.

FN: You sure don't sound like Brooklyn.

CD: They taught us how to talk in divinity school.

FN: I can't believe you're from Brooklyn.

CD: (NY) Yeah and what you got against Brooklyn? Huh?

FN: Nothing. It's just that---- you're such a classy woman--


CD (NY): Oh yeah? I'll show you classy ---- how about a

great big knuckle sandwich?

FN: I'm sorry!

CD (NY): Whatcha looking at? Ain't you never seen a

woman before? Put your eyes back in your head. Jeeze! Of

all the weirdos in this town, I had to run into you.

PS: She's from Brooklyn all right. Beautiful. I love it.

FN: I'm sorry, I didn't mean-----

CD: Beat it.

FN: But I thought we were going to-----


Did you ever know that you're a zero

And everything you say is untrue

You are a turkey, not an eagle

And I am going to fly right over you.

PS: Natasha----

CD: Oh Paul.

PS: Natasha.

CD: How about dinner?

PS: How about that-----


O Joy that comes to me through dance,

More so than through theology;

I'm longing for a big romance,

And wonder if I stand a chance,

And if you care for me. (STING, BRIDGE)

GK: They went off hand in hand and I found a bar to sit in

and watch the bubble lights on the back bar. (SFX) And

the fish tank (SFX). The Cocktails sign in the window

flashing off and on. (SFX) I should've felt sad but I didn't.

It just felt like peace on earth and good will and all.


GK: Yeah?

PS: Hi, Noir.

GK: Paul. How's things?

PS: Great.

GK: You fell in love, I hope.

PS: Had no choice.

SAT 12/14/13 7:04 PM

Page 14 of 15

GK: And you feel like you're in a novel, all your sensations

heightened, life is intoxicating.

PS: All of that.

GK: And you decided to get married?

PS: I'm meeting her at City Hall in half an hour.

GK: That's terrific. Congratulations. You must be the

happiest guy in the world.

PS: Only problem is that she still wants to move to


GK: Oh?

PS: She's got a call there. A little church up in


GK: I know it well. It's a lot like


PS: Well, that's not bad. Could be worse.

GK: That's what we say, too.


TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its

secrets. But one man is still trying to find the answers to

life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.