ROOMMATE
(THEME, DRAMATIC)
TR: THE ROOMMATE SITUATION.
(MUSIC FADE)
DM: So.
SS: Right.
DM: You saw my ad.
SS: Right.
DM: Good.
SS: It was on the bulletin board in the co-op.
DM: Right.
SS: Right above the gluten-free coffee.
DM: You don't have any allergies, do you?
SS: Naw.
DM: I keep rats.
SS: What kind of rats?
DM: Brown rats. Four of them.
SS: Wild rats?
DM: Depends. Sometimes.
SS: That's cool. What's the rent?
DM: Five hundred. You pay three, I pay two.
SS: Not bad for a seventh-floor walkup. Twenty minute
walk from the F train. Is the stairway always that dark?
DM: I light it with my phone.
SS: Is that garlic I smell?
DM: It's a vegetable with quite a bit more street value
than garlic.
SS: Ah. So where's the bathroom?
DM: Here. In the kitchen. You open that cupboard. It's
in there.
SS: And you sleep in the hammock bed?
DM: Right.
SS: Where do I sleep?
DM: You got a sleeping bag?
SS: Right.
DM: There you are.
SS: What about roaches?
DM: What about them?
SS: Are they a problem?
DM: Not to me they aren't. Why? You see one?
SS: Right there.
DM: Okay. (BIG WHACK)
SS: And there.
DM: Got it. (BIG WHACK)
SS: Are you an employed person?
DM: I run an ear piercing stand and I knit headbands
from cat hair and I make a fermented cabbage tea to sell
at LP release parties. How about you?
SS: I'm in a thrash-band called The Love Shovels.
DM: Perfect. So what do you say?
SS: Why would I pay three hundred and you pay two?
DM: That's just how it works. The place is in my name.
SS: I'll go two seventy-five and you go two=twenty-five.
DM: Huh uh.
SS: Okay. No deal.
DM: I'll arm-wrestle you for it.
SS: Fine.
DM: Elbows on the table. And I'll (TAPE RIP) tape our
arms together. You ready?
SS: Ready.
(TWO WOMEN STRUGGLE, FIRST SS WINNING,
THEN DM, THEN SS PINS HER, TWO WOMEN,
BREATHING HARD)
DM: Okay. You win. Two-seventy-five,two twenty-five.
SS: I'll pay the two twenty-five.
DM: WHAT??? Best two out of three. (TWO WOMEN
STRUGGLE. FIRST SS WINNING, THEN DM, THEN
SS PINS HER. HEAVY BREATHING)
SS: There. Two out of three. And here's two hundred and
twenty-five bucks.
DM: I don't want your money. I'm not living here with
you.
SS: Where you going?
DM: Gonna go find an apartment. You can have this one.
I hate it anyway. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SLAM)
SS: Jeeze. Sore loser. (RATS) (BIG WHACK) Beat it.
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
SS: YEAH, WHO IS IT? (DOOR OPEN)
FN: You still looking for a roommate?
SS: Yeah.
FN: Does it matter that I'm a guy?
SS: Doesn't matter to me in the slightest.
FN: How much is the rent?
SS: Five hundred apiece.
FN: Oh. Seems high.
SS: Take it or leave it. I've got other people looking at
the place, so it's up to you.
FN: Roaches?
SS: None.
FN: Rats?
SS: Huh uh.
FN: Stairs are kind of dark.
SS: Use your phone.
FN: Where do I sleep?
SS: Over there. I got the hammock bed.
FN: It smells funny.
SS: That's garlic.
FN: Bathroom?
SS: Under there.
FN: When can I move in?
SS: Give me five hundred and you're in.
FN: Okay. (COUNTS OUT FIVE HUNDREDS) There.
SS: Great. Listen, I'm going out for a minute. Be back in
a few minutes.
FN: Okay. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE) Boy, this
place is small. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Yeah? Come in.
TR: This where you're looking for a roommate?
FN: No, I already got one.
TR: Lady on the stairs said you're looking for a
roommate.
FN: Skinny lady with hair in a bun and dark glasses and
orange T-shirt?
TR: That's her.
FN: I guess I am, then.
TR: How much is rent?
FN: Split it evenly. A thousand apiece.
TR: Boy, that's pretty steep for a little apartment.
FN: Oh, this is just the lower level, there's four more
rooms upstairs.
TR: Can I see it?
FN: Soon as you give me a deposit.
TR: But I haven't even seen it.
FN: I've got someone else coming to look at it in five
minutes, so suit yourself.
TR: How much of a deposit?
FN: One month's rent.
TR: You accept checks?
FN: No.
TR: Dang. Well, okay. Here. (COUNTS OUT TEN
HUNDREDS) Which way to the upstairs?
FN: I gotta go around and unlock the door. Be right
back. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSED)
TR: Boy, this place is a dump. Roaches. And there's a
rat. Two of them. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Yeah? Who is
it? (DOOR OPEN)
GK: This the apartment looking for a roommate?
TR: No, that's next door and they already got a
roommate. This is the apartment that's for sale.
GK: How much?
TR: Two grand.
GK: Really. Wow. Pretty cheap for an apartment. How
come?
TR: Mother died and left it to me and it's got so many
painful memories, I just want to get rid of it.
GK: You got a deed?
TR: Give me the two grand and I'll go get the deed.
GK: Well, okay. (COUNTS OUT TWENTY
HUNDREDS) There.
TR: Great. Back in a minute. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR
OPEN, CLOSE)
GK: Boy, this is a steal. I can resell this for ten grand
tomorrow.
(DOOR OPEN)
DM: What you doing in here?
GK: This is my apartment.
DM: It's yours? I thought it belonged to an old guy in
Queens.
GK: Well, I'm not as young as I used to be.
DM: I sublet it from a guy who rented it from another
guy whose name is on the lease. Lenny something.
GK: Well, it's mine now.
DM: Huh. You married?
GK: Nope.
DM: Want to be?
GK: Could be.
DM: You marry me, you got somebody who knows how
everything works. I can fix it. Apartment this old, you
need someone like that. Besides I make a fermented
cabbage tea that'll knock your socks off.
GK: I wouldn't mind having my socks knocked off.
DM: Marry me.
GK: Okay. Deal.
DM: I was looking for a roommate and I got a husband
instead. Today is my day.
GK: Mine too, I guess.
(THEME)
TR: JOIN US AGAIN IN THE NEAR FUTURE FOR
ANOTHER EPISODE OF......THE ROOMMATE
SITUATION.