GK: ---- It was warm in New York this week, and there

were musicians playing on the streets around Bryant Park,

which reminded me of back when my sister Dorothy and I

used to do that. When it was cold, we'd play in the subway

but the problem with playing in the subway is that (TRAIN



DOORS SHUT. TRAIN PULL AWAY.) eventually you go

deaf, which is no advantage, so it was good to be outdoors.

There's a restaurant, the Bryant Park Grill, right where she

and I used to sing, she played accordion, I played mandolin,

it's on 40th Street, just off Fifth Avenue.



In the bleak midwinter

Here by Bryant Park

All the office buildings

Blazing in the dark.

Standing on the corner

Of West fortieth street

Won't you drop a dollar

So that we can eat.

GK: How long you want to keep singing? Mother's

expecting us for supper, you know.

DM: We've got thirty bucks, let's go for forty.

GK: Might be better over to Fifth Avenue, in front of the

library, what do you say? (FOOTSTEPS ON SIDEWALK,


DM: Remember? ----the library was where Daddy did all

his research to come up with the formula for solid hydrogen

fuel. The formula that was going to make us rich.

GK: Those magical blue pellets --- you could put one in

your gas tank, add water, and it'd run 500 miles for about

two bucks.

DM: That was the idea, all right.


In the bleak midwinter,

Season to be merry,

God bless all you people,

Friends of the library.

Life is so uncertain,

Says great literature.

Life can turn the tables.

Have mercy on the poor.

GK: He really believed he had found the formula.

DM: Poor Daddy.

GK: And when our dog Rusty ate the paper he'd written the

formula on, Daddy was so upset that he couldn't remember

any of it.

DM: I hope nobody comes along who remembers me from

"The Aviatrix." What a turkey that was. Why did I ever

agree to take the part of Amelia Earhart? And then to invest

money in it? A musical that ends with the heroine

disappearing. Audience sits there looking at blue sky and

the cast is in the pit humming "Beyond The Sunset". I can't

believe I was so stupid.

GK: Don't be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes.

Look at me. Had my own radio show and everything's

going okay and then I said that stuff I said.

DM: The joke about the douche bag.

GK: Yeah. Why did I do that? What a stupid joke.

DM: The man walks into the bar and he sees a douche bag

sitting there and he says to the bartender, "A Scotch and

soda for me, and vinegar and water for the douche bag."

GK: What was I thinking? One joke. My career was over.


In the bleak midwinter,

Tragedy, I feel ya.


I had myself a big career

Until I played Amelia.

DM & GK:

We were going great guns,

Then in the toilet, whoosh.

GK: I was kicked off radio

For using the word, "douche."

TR: Excuse me. Is this way east?

DM: No, it's west. East is that way.

TR: Are you sure?

DM: Positive. Where are you going?

TR: Broadway.

DM: Broadway is west. That way.

TR: So I was going the right way.

DM: Yes.

TR: Why didn't you say so? ---- HEY. Dotty. What are you

doing out here?

DM: ------Al?---------Hi.

TR: Remember me? We were in "My Fair Lady" together.

(HE SINGS) "All I want is a room somewhere, far away

from the cold night air-----"

DM: I remember. It seems so long ago.

TR: What are you doing out here?

DM (THINKS A MOMENT): Rehearsing.

TR: Oh? For what?

DM: It's a musical. It's called "Homeless".

TR: When does it open?

DM: I don't know---- in the spring.

TR: Well, good luck. God bless.

DM: What are you doing these days?

TR: Me? I'm producing a Christmas album for a band

called Autistic Woodchucks.

DM: Well, good luck to you. (HE WALKS AWAY)

TR: Nice seeing you.


God bless you gentlemen today,

Likewise the ladies too;

And may you never have to beg

Along Fifth Avenue.

Love and joy come to you,

And to you your waffle, too,

And God bless you, and send you

A Happy New Year,

And God send you a Happy New Year.

TR (RUSHES UP): Excuse me. What's that song?

DM: It's just an old song.

TR: Is it copyrighted?

DM: I doubt it.

TR: I love it. I want it for the album. Come on over to the

studio. Here's the address. (STING)

GK: So we went to the studio and we watched the Autistic

Woodchucks record our song.



Love and joy come to you,

And to you your waffle, too,

And God bless you, and send you

A Happy New Year,

And God send you a Happy New Year. (BRIDGE)

GK: And he gave us a check and out we went and came

home to the Lower East Side and Mother was waiting for


SS (DEEP): Hi, kids. How'd you do today? Here, sit down,

let me dish you up some gruel, I made it this morning.


DM: So Dad is still trying to remember the formula, huh?

SS (DEEP): Easy, Chester. It'll come to you. Don't worry

about it. (TR MUMBLING, OFF)

GK: Do you want to tell her or should I?

DM: You tell her and I'll catch her when she falls over.

SS (DEEP): What is it?

GK: We earned ten thousand dollars today, Mother. Ten

grand. We sold a Christmas song to a record label.

SS (DEEP): Oh, that's wonderful. I knew something good

was going to happen today. Now we can have Christmas. --



GK: We tried to talk her into investing the money in a bond

but she wouldn't hear of it.

SS: Feh! Bonds! No, sir. Live today and worry about

tomorrow tomorrow. We'll have us the biggest fattest

jolliest Christmas ever. And Mother hired some pipers

piping (SFX) and some lords a-leaping (FN, TR) and

drummers drumming (SFX) and some turtle doves (SFX)

and French hens (SFX) and some geese a-laying (SFX) and

a little dog did backflips (SFX) and Mother set off rockets

(SFX) and one rocket went off accidentally in the living

room (BLAMMO) and suddenly Dad remembered the

formula (TR: HN squared over 2, factored twice, minus P

times X) and he made it in his basement laboratory

(BUBBLING, BURBLING, HISSING) and it was a clear

liquid and it didn't power an automobile but it was good at

getting raspberry stains off a carpet. And Dorothy got a part

in a soap opera that went on for awhile until her character

was run over by a bus.

DM (IN ROLE): Ira. I should know who that is. I know I

should. I've been so confused since I bumped my head on

the cupboard door. The doctor says it'll go away and now I

can't even remember what it's called. Ammonia. No.

Descendents. That's it. Descendents.

GK: And me? They let me back on the radio when I

promised I would never ever say the word that I got kicked

off for and now I have said it and so (PHONE RINGING)

that call is probably for me. See you later. Thanks for