(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(BRIDGE)
GK: It was November and I was trying to find an excuse not to go to my sister Georgina's for Thanksgiving and listen to her husband Al talk about his urinary tract and then I got a phone call from Dallas, Texas.
SS (ON PHONE, TEXAS): Mr. Noir, it's Laura Louise down in Dallas and I have got me a big problem. It's about my brother, Buddy. He wants to run for mayor and he wants me to donate a big chunk of money to his campaign. I gotta find some way to stop him from embarrassing the family.
GK: Ma'am, there are so many embarrassing people in public office, who's going to notice one more?
SS (ON PHONE, TEXAS): Buddy moved away to New York ten years ago and it's changed him. He has become a vegan. He is in favor of gun control. In Texas, our idea of gun control is just to hold the gun real steady. And he wants to get football out of the schools and focus on academics. That's his big platform. No more football, just study hall. I am in the beauty business, Mr. Noir. I do hair. I depend on the good will of the public. Please. Help me. (STING, BRIDGE)
GK: When you get a chance to leave Minnesota and go to Dallas in November, that's a chance you want to take, so that evening I was on Lone Star Airline, direct to Dallas with one stop in Abilene and another in Lubbock.
(BING BONG)
FN (P.A.): Hey y'all, this is Waco Bill talking at you from up here in the cockpit and soon as I'm done, I'm takin' this headset off and if Air Traffic Control wants to talk to me, they can send me a letter in the mail. I fly the Texas way --- I see where I want to go and I head straight there and if you get in my way, that's gonna have to be your problem. It's only an airplane! How hard can it be?? As we say back home, Everybody wants to get to heaven and nobody wants to die. Well, either way we're taking you there and it's name is Texas. Hoooooooo-eeeeeeeee. Let's git her done. (REV UP PROPELLER)(TAKE OFF) (BRIDGE)
GK: Got to Dallas and there was Laura Louise and she certainly was in the hair business. Hers was large. And her face was painted flesh-color and lit up with sparkles. But she had an envelope in hand with $500 advance payment so I didn't mind.
SS: I don't know what made Buddy decide to run for mayor. He never showed an interest before. He went to New York so he could get a part in a musical, the one with that big song, "Big d, little A, double l, A, S.
GK: Big D?
SS: Little a, double L, A.S.
SS & GK: (SING):
And that spellS Dallas
My darlin', darlin' Dallas
Don't it give you pleasure to confess
That you're from Big D
My, oh Yes
I mean Big D, little a double l-a
Big D, little a double l-a
Big D, little a double l-a-s.
GK: Did he get the part?
SS: They said his accent was wrong. He couldn't drawl.
GK: So he stayed in New York.
SS: Seventeen years it's been. You know how actors are. They never give up.
GK: Did you ever see him perform?
SS: Once. He was Curly in "Oklahoma".
GK: And?
SS: The urge to get out on stage is not in itself an indication of talent.
GK: We know that's true. So when did Buddy come back to Dallas?
SS: Oh, he hasn't come back. He's gonna come back.
GK: When?
SS: I don't know. In the spring.
GK: And he wants you to send him money now.
SS: In New York.
GK: In New York. So he's not here?
SS: He's coming back for the election.
GK: But you haven't actually laid eyes on him.
SS: Nope.
GK: But you can tell he's your brother.
SS: He sounds sort of like him.
GK: Ma'am, I wonder if you are not the victim of a scam. A notorious criminal by the name of Russell Timmy, Man of A Thousand Voices.
SS: Oh dear. ---Well, spit in my grits and call me a hush puppy.
GK: The mayoral election is not until 2015.
SS: I didn't know that.
GK: You have the caller's number on your mobile?
SS: Why yes, I do. Oh my. This is embarrassing. (STING, BRIDGE)
GK: So I made the call to the 9-1-7 number and (PHONE RING THREE TIMES, PICKUP)
TR (RICO): Yeah? Who is it?
GK: Mr. Timmy?
TR (RICO): Who's calling?
GK: I'm calling from down in Dallas, I need to speak to Mr. Timmy.
TR (RICO): Let me turn you over to my lawyer. (CLINTON) Hello, this is Bill Clinton, what we got going on down there in Dallas? Love that town. Had some fantastic barbecue once. Hey--- friend of mine wants to talk with you. Here. (BUSH) Heh heh heh heh heh. Just heard the name Dallas and figured maybe it was somebody I know. Perhaps another decider. Maybe even somebody from my nucular family. Hey. Wait. Dick Cheney wants to talk to you. (CHENEY) If this is concerning the mayoral election, I am operating on an express directive and granted the constitutional authority from a highly-placed person whose name I am not permitted to reveal at this time. And here's Henry. (KISSINGER) This is a highly sensitive matter and I must emphasize that you are poking your beezer into matters that do not concern you.
GK: Mister Timmy----
TR (JIMMY STEWART): Uh, Mister Timmy is not here to take your call. Who shall I say is calling?
GK: Mister Timmy, there will not be any money coming from the hairdresser in Dallas, just so you know. That particular gambit is closed now. Fini. Comprende?
TR (OBAMA): Hello there. I just happened to be monitoring this phone call for security purposes and I think you'd better hang up. And have a nice day.
GK: Mister Timmy, let me say this clearly and simply: Don't Mess With Texas. Bye. (BRIDGE)
SS: I can't thank you enough, Mr. Noir. You saved me from a terrible embarrassment, and now I've gotten in touch with my real brother Buddy and he's coming back to Dallas. For good.
GK: Not to run for public office.
SS: No, he just got tired of being all crowded in with a bunch of strangers, and then the other day on the subway, he heard someone say "Ha yew" and he looked down and it was a pretty little thing with a flower in her hair and you know what he said to her?
GK: I can guess.
SS & GK (SING):
You're from Big D
I can guess
By the way you draw!
And the way you dress
You're from Big D
My, oh Yes
I mean Big D, little a double l-a
Big D, little a double l-a
Big D, little a double l-a-s. (BRIDGE)
GK: I thought of staying but Georgina called and said Al has gotten some pills that help a lot and would I please and so I headed back north.
(PLANE ENGINE, DESCENDING)
FN (ON P.A.): Okay, we're beginning our descent into Minnesota and I do mean descent. Why anybody would live here is beyond me, but that's none of my bidness. Now if any of you want me to land on a highway near your house, just come up to the cockpit and point it out. Okay. Going down. Let's get her done. (PLANE STEEP DIVE)
(MUSIC)
TR: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, and there on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building is a guy still trying to find the answers to life's questions, Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)