TR: Next station stop, St. Paul! (BRAKES OF TRAIN, HISS OF STEAM)
GK: When I came home from Hollywood on the Empire Builder, Natasha was waiting for me at the Union Station in St. Paul-----
SS: Oh, my dollink. My dollink. I luff you, I luff you. You are my dollink. Yes, you, dollink.
GK: Her brown eyes gazed up at me with a luminous intensity under her wild chestnut hair. I threw her over my shoulder and (STRIDING OF BOOTS THROUGH CROWD) made my way through the crowded terminal when suddenly----
TR (HIGH): No! You cannot have her! You filthy beast! You dog! You---- (CRACK OF PUNCH. OOFFF. FALL OF BODY. STRIDE RESUMES)
GK: Having to fight off her old boyfriends is the price of being in love with a beautiful woman. (OMINOUS CLINK OF A STEEL SABER).
TR (SLOWLY, WITH HEAVY SLAVIC ACCENT): You are surprised to see me? You had forgotten Boris? Heh heh. I never forget you. Heh heh heh heh. (CLINK OF SWORDPLAY. TR WOUNDED, FALLS, DIES.) (FOOTSTEPS RESUME)
GK: Natasha knew many men before she met me, but none that she really loved as she loves me.
SS: Dollink ----
GK: Yes?
SS: Shouldn't you say, "none WHOM she really loved"----- instead of "none THAT she really loved"? I don't mean to correct you, dollink. You so smart----
GK: I guess I don't get what you're saying, darling.
FN: Hold it right there. (FOOTSTEPS)
GK: What do you want, Turgeson?
FN: I want her.
GK: You can't have her.
FN: Then I challenge you to a duel. (SLAP)
GK: Fine. Choose your weapon. Sword? Pistol? Bullwhip?
FN: English grammar.
GK: What?
FN: You heard me. Let's hear you declare your love for her using the subjunctive mood.
GK: The subjunctive mood????
FN: You don't know what it is, do you.
GK: Darn.
FN: Let me show you. ----- "I suggest that you avoid men like him, Natasha, for if I were to meet him, I would defeat him in a duel as if he had been punctured with the sword."
GK: I don't get it.
SS: You beeg dommy. I don't luff you, you too stoopid. You not even know subjunctive mood, you dommy.
GK: Natasha---- No----
SS: I want him. He's an Eenglish major.
GK: But----
SS: He's a real man. He knows Eenglish. Too bad for you. Goodbye.
FN: C'mon, baby.
SS: I luff you. You my dollink now.
TR: A message from the Professional Organization of English Majors.