TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its' secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions---- Guy Noir, Private Eye.


GK: It was September, the equinox, and I was sitting on a bench overlooking the Mississippi and watching a towboat push (SFX) a string of barges downstream. And then I noticed a woman sitting cross-legged beside me.

SS (BREATHY): Did you ever stop to think that we cannot see the light itself but we can see that which the light illuminates. It's all about seeing. Because every inside has an outside. Every outside has an inside. And so we must see with body, mind and soul. All three.

GK: And you're asking me if I ever stopped to think that?

SS (BREATHY): Did you ever?

GK: No. I never did.

SS (BREATHY): Okay. Then boogers on you.

GK: What did you say?

SS (BREATHY): I said, there is no Other, we are all one.

GK: Well, nice thought. Let me stop and think about it. (BRIDGE) She drifted away and a moment later----

TR (RICO): Hey. You see a dame with big hair and a rhinestone clip that says, Shirley?

GK: No.

TR (RICO): Well, if you do, tell her I'm looking for her and nobody steals from Rico. Nobody. Okay?

GK: Got it.

TR (RICO): And I know what she done and I ain't gonna let it pass. Okay?

GK: Right. You mind if I say, He knows what you did and he isn't going to let it pass?

TR (RICO): That's what I said.

GK: That's what I thought. (STING) He went off and minutes later a woman slipped up from behind bushes.

FN (LADY): Hi. I'm Shirley. Somebody looking for me?

GK: Somebody named Rico.

FN (LADY): My ex-husband. Ricky. The dog breeder. He earned a fortune breeding miniature toy Chihuahuas. He bred them with hamsters so they're the size of small ferrets.

GK: He said you stole something.

FN (LADY): I took what was mine and that's all.

GK: Oh. Okay.

FN (LADY): What are you looking at?

GK: Barges.

FN (LADY): Good. Cause I just had enlargement surgery. And he promised to pay for it and he didn't so I took the money out of his glove compartment but I don't think it's real.

GK: The money is phony?

FN (LADY): I think so. Fifty thousand bucks. In hundred dollar bills.

GK: She asked me to check it out so I took the dough to the No. 1 counterfeit guy in St. Paul whose name is Al Larson but who goes under the name Bernie Fineberg.

TR: These bills here?

GK: Yeah.

TR: (RIFFLES A STACK) These are not mine. Look at Benjamin Franklin's picture.

GK: Yeah?

TR: He's winking his left eye.

GK: Oh.

TR: I wouldn't do that. Show off like that. No, this comes from Louie LeVahn.


GK: Louie LeVahn?

FN: Next door.


TR: I'm his brother Von LeVahn. What can I do for you?

GK: I got fifty thousand simoleons in phony Franklins that your brother made-----

TR: Phony?

GK: They're worthless. I want to know how much the jerk who bought em paid you for em.

TR: None of your beeswax but he paid us ten grand.

GK: Then I want the ten grand.

TR: Ha.

GK: These are defective counterfeits.

TR: Says who?

GK: Says me.

TR: Look at the sign. See the sign? "All sales final, no refunds."

GK: Yeah, well, if I don't see the ten grand in two minutes, then you are going to be enrolled in a federal residential program known as Leavenworth.

TR: Okay, okay. Hold your horses. (THUMP OF BUNDLE) There. Ten grand. Go ahead and count it.

GK: I looked at the top bill in the bundle. A thousand dollar bill with a picture of Grover Cleveland and he looked okay until you glanced down at his right hand and he was holding a cigarette. Hey---- (WHUMP, GK FALLS. BRIDGE)

GK: When I came to, I was lying in the weeds by the river and that cross-legged lady was sitting next to me.

SS: Welcome back to consciousness. You will now be conscious of all that is in you and all that is around you, such as this .38 pistol pointed at your stomach which holds a bullet that could very soon be in you and all the way through you. (FLY BUZZING) Go away. Beat it.

GK: The fly is here in our consciousness and we are in its consciousness.

SS: Oh shut up.

GK: It has a right to be here, just as we do. (WHACK, . PAUSE. FLY BUZZING)

SS: Dang it.


GK: The fly is on your head.

SS: I'm aware of that.


GK: She took off after the fly and I went back to the bench and pretty soon Shirley came.

FN (LADY): I've invested the ten thousand dollars in buying three million counterfeit dollars which I used to buy a Norman Rockwell painting of a Boy Scout practicing his salute in front of a mirror.

GK: A real Norman Rockwell?

FN (LADY): No, of course not. It's a fake. But they're going to do a story on "This American Life" about Rockwell and refer to this painting and that should authenticate it so I can get at least a million for it.

GK: How did you fool them?

FN (LADY): I found a cabdriver who can do a perfect impression of Ira Glass and he's going to do the Rockwell story and he'll slip it into the show.

TR (IRA): Hi. I'm Ira Glass. Actually I'm Stephen Schwarts. How do you like my voice? Okay? (PHONE RING) Excuse me. My cellphone. (PICK UP) Yeah,

FN (IRA, ON PHONE): This is Ira Glass in New York. I hear you're trying to sell a phony Rockwell by imitating my voice and I want you to cease and desist or else.

TR (IRA): This isn't Ira Glass. Who are you?

FN (IRA): It's Ira Glass, mister, and I'm not kidding around. You go around imitating me and you're gonna need some expensive dental work.

TR (IRA): You big phony. Who is this? That's the worst Ira Glass impression I ever heard. Get out of here.

FN (IRA): You'll be talking out of a different corner of your mouth when I get done with you.

TR (IRA): You're nobody, that's who you are. Beat it. Hear me? Just disappear. For good. (TWO IRAS, YAMMERING, FADING INTO BRIDGE)

GK: It was a beautiful day along the river. September, the equinox. Equal light, equal darkness. Just like so many of us.. (THEME)

SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions....Guy Noir, Private Eye.