GK: It was Earth Day on Monday, a day when sensitive people who like to hang wind chimes in their yard (SFX) and wind socks and who faithfully recycle (SFX) square off against rednecks who keep All Terrain Vehicles in the yard (SFX) and Confederate flags and who use their ATVs to dump trash in the woods (ATV REV, TRASH DUMP, YEEHAW). And I would side with the sensitive gentle people except that I can't tolerate the gentle dinging of wind chimes. (SFX) I like silence. And to me big loud noises like a lawn mower (SFX) or bagpipes (SFX) or car alarms (SFX) or the 7:19 to Waukegan (TRAIN PASSING) are less irritating than constant gentle dinging. (SFX) ---- this constant pinging and tinkling and shimmering and that's why I am supporting the Break The Wind Chime Habit.

Wind chimes can be confusing to bats (SFX) who eat mosquitos and so you wind up with more mosquitos (SFX, SLAP WHINE SLAP WHINE SLAP WHINE). Wind chimes can affect your hearing so that you are no longer able to sing on pitch. (FN SINGS OFF-KEY: Where have all the flowers gone, long time passing). Wind chimes may interfere with your dog's instinct to defend the home (PANTING, WHINE) and make him welcome bad men into the home (FN BADDIE: Where do they keep the jewelry, buddy boy? FRIENDLY BARKS). Wind chimes may cause your children to do poorly in math (FN DAD: A D-minus? How can that be?) .

GK: And worst of all, the frequencies of certain wind chimes can affect your metabolism and cause you to gain twenty to thirty pounds a week (RATCHET OF SCALE. FN: Oh my gosh ---- I was 170 just last month.)

If you own wind chimes, please, limit yourself to daylight hours and if you turn in your chimes this week, Amnesty Week, the Fearmonger's Shoppe near you is happy to pay you $5 per set. Let's start the spring and summer in an atmosphere of peace and quiet. Turn in your wind chimes.