(TUBA ONE)
SS (ON RADIO): ... So if you value this radio service, please call us right now and donate at any level. We need you.
FN (ON RADIO): Become a sustaining member, and help us earn this matching challenge from Fishman Precision Kitchen -makers of fine cheese slicers and melon ballers.
SS (ON RADIO): We need to hear from 40 of you listeners in the next ten minutes, otherwise we will have to lay off our morning newscaster Peter Fiebiger starting immediately.
TR (ON RADIO): That's right. My salary is dependent on your support and if you don't call in right now, my wife and I and our newborn twins (SFX, BABY CRYING) will have to go live in her parents' unfinished basement and put our home in foreclosure. Without your help, I will be thrown under the bus and have to find work as a telemarketer. If you can't bring yourself to make a membership pledge, do you think you could donate some canned food? Maybe some baby formula?
GK: Oh, come on, give me a break.
SS (ON RADIO): Peter has been with the station for six years, and on salary for two years. He works a 90-hour week, no overtime, no benefits, and has a pre-existing condition.
FN (ON RADIO): If you don't call now and make a pledge, he and Sandy and the babies will have to go on welfare.
GK: That's just pathetic. Spare me. How low will they stoop now?
(TUBA TWO)
TR (ON RADIO): Please, folks. A contribution of five dollars is enough to buy formula for the babies for two days (SFX BABY CRY), ten dollars takes care of a week of diapers, so please, take a minute to call in.
(GK SIGH, MIXER)
SS (ON RADIO):.... Hey! You in the kitchen---- with the eggs in the mixer, we know you're there.
GK: Who, me?
FN (ON RADIO): We're talking to you, mister. You in the kitchen. In the silly apron.
GK: What?!?
SS (ON RADIO): You listen and you don't contribute, you big moocher. What are you making?
(A BEAT)
GK: I'm making a frittata, why?
SS (ON RADIO): For the cost of that frittata, you could do your share to keep this radio station going.
FN (ON RADIO): Four minutes left to call in and become a member, and save Pete's job
GK: I already gave you money, okay? Just leave me alone.
SS (ON RADIO): You gave money three years ago. We checked.
GK: Right, that's what I'm saying.
FN (ON RADIO): How would you like it if you only got one frittata every three years, huh? Could you survive on that?
TR (ON RADIO): Please, save my job.
GK: Look, let me think about it.
SS (ON RADIO): What is there to think about? We're hanging from the cliff by our fingernails. Come on.
FN (ON RADIO): You know it's the right thing to do. So just do it, okay? We don't want to keep begging. Just pick up the phone and do the right thing-
(TUBA THREE)
FN (ON RADIO): Two minutes left.
GK: Look, even if I did get out my wallet right now, I don't know if I could enter the information online in enough time to meet this matching grant.
SS (ON RADIO): Well just try, for god's sake! What are you standing there for?
GK: Fine. I'll go get it.
FN (ON RADIO): Please run. A minute and forty five seconds.
(FOOTSTEPS OFF, BACK)
(OPENS LAPTOP)
GK: Okay, hang on a second. Sometimes it takes a second to wake my laptop back up.
FN (ON RADIO): Just press a key. Tap anything. (SFX) Are you doing it?
GK: I'm doing it.
FN (ON RADIO): Well do it faster.
(A BEAT)
GK: Okay here it is.
SS (ON RADIO): LPR.org. Local public radio.
GK: Yeah I know.
TR (ON RADIO): The babies are hungry. (SFX)
GK: Okay I'm there. Now what do I do?
SS (ON RADIO): Enter your information. ENTER IT!!!!
TR (ON RADIO): One minute left.
GK: W-Y-L-E-R -whoops I hit the T. Back back (KEYBOARD)
FN (ON RADIO): How many more pledges do we need, Madison?
SS (ON RADIO): One. Just one more. Just this guy.
GK: I'm typing as fast as I can.
FN (ON RADIO): Forty seconds left.
GK: I don't know which card to use. My personal, or my business one.
SS (ON RADIO): It doesn't matter, just pick one, PLEASE HURRY!
GK: -- 674-0072. There.
FN (ON RADIO): Thirty seconds left.
GK: I just hit submit. (A BEAT) There was an error, please re-enter data.
SS (ON RADIO): Oh my god.
FN (ON RADIO): Did you put in the expiration date?
GK: Yes.
FN (ON RADIO): Did you put in the security code?
GK: The what?
FN (ON RADIO): The security code.
(A BEAT)
GK: Where is that?
SS (ON RADIO): It's on the back of your card. Three digits. Flip your card over, do it now!!!
GK: Okay.
FN (ON RADIO): Twelve seconds.
GK: 456, enter. (A BEAT) There was an error, please re-enter data.
(SS SCREAMS)
FN (ON RADIO): Eight seconds. Are you sure you entered the right code?
TR (ON RADIO): I guess I lost my job. Come on, babies.
(A BEAT)
GK: Oh wait, it's 436. I don't have my glasses on.
FN (ON RADIO): Enter it now! Type it in!
GK: Okay, okay! (TYPING)
FN (ON RADIO): Three seconds. Two, one--)
(TUBA THREE)