Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Let your heart be light.

From now on our troubles

Will be out of sight.

ER: Christmas is a happy time for millions of people but for me it's very lonely because I live at the North Pole and it's like totally dark and everybody is hibernating except my dad who is off travelling on his sleigh with his reindeer who he cares about more than he cares about me, if you want to know the truth. To other people he is like a jolly guy who goes HO HO HO all the time but he's not like that at home. He's extremely judgemental. It's either "naughty" or "nice" with him. No in-between. He says I have trouble with relationships because I'm selfish. But, I have trouble with relationships because I live at the North Pole, DUH. You ever try to date an elf? I see a lot of women nodding, Yes, I have. So you know. So I just make myself an eggnog and go to my room and sleep.


ER: I was born in Nebraska, and when I was a few days old, Santa found me in a bassinet by someone's chimney. There was a plate full of cookies with a sign that said, "For You, Santa." And Santa was so jet-lagged, he picked me up and brought me up to the Arctic and he and Mom raised me as their own. I suppose I should be grateful, but it isn't easy living with parents who work all the time and then grumble about it. He complains about chimneys being so small. I'm like, "Eat less and exercise more." It's not rocket science, Dad. But every year he snarfs up milk and cookies in millions of homes and comes home and sleeps through the middle of March.


I'm writing a memoir called: NICHOLAS. And believe me, he is no saint. Other kids get to sit on his lap, but never me. And other kids get what they want for Christmas and all I get is a little slip in an envelope that says, "A goat has been donated in your name to a family in Zimbabwe." He wants me to be a giver, not a taker, but I have taken enough of his emotional abuse. And the other day I found an underground vault in our Ice Palace that's full of quarters, dimes and nickels. For years, on Christmas Eve, he's been taking loose change off people's dressers. So I packed up a thousand dollars worth of quarters and came down to New York and found a publisher and the book comes out on Monday. NICHOLAS. Just in time for Christmas. Hope you enjoy it.



Have yourself a merry little Christmas and

Make the Yule-tide gay

And her memoir's coming out on Monday.

In hardcover all across the U.S.A.