GK: ---- I was born in Minnesota (BLIZZARD, WOLVES) and that's how come I am as white as I am, frostbite has killed off much of my flesh, I don't have any feeling in my feet at all and that's how come I can (HAMMERING) nail them to the floor. No feeling. My mother was from Minnesota and Daddy was from Texas and he liked to shoot things (GUNSHOT) ---- he'd shoot anything, beer bottles (SHOT, GLASS BUST) or pheasants (WINGS, GUNSHOT) or the side of a barn (GUNSHOT, CRUNCH) or sometimes he'd shoot himself in the foot (GUNSHOT, THWORT) just for the heck of it. Mom was a northern liberal, she loved Renaissance music (SHAWM, SACKBUT) and she taught us to play tennis (SFX) and we listened to the speeches of Franklin D. Roosevelt (STATIC, TR: ALL WE HAVE TO FEAR IS FEAR ITSELF) and we listened to Pete Seeger (BANJO, TR SINGS: You've got to go down and join the Union, you've got to join it by yourself) and like all liberal children, I played soccer (RUNNING, PANTING, TR: Midfield! Midfield, Trevor! Come on, Jared! Come on, Sean!) and one day my dad came home from coonhunting and saw me in my soccer uniform and he got mad
FN (DAD): What in the Sam Hill is going on here? What're you doin playing soccer? What kind of a pantywaist game is that? That's no American game. Nobody hitting anybody.
GK: But Dad----
FN (DAD): Don't you "but Dad" me----- I am sending you down to Texas so you can go out for football.
GK: So I came down to Houston, to the Audie Murphy Memorial High School and went out for football and because my foot was frozen I became a punter. (TR P.A.: Coming in... to punt for Audie Murphy......No. 13.....Carson Wyler) This was the year that we played Ernest Tubb High and I did a lot of punting that afternoon from deep in my own end zone ----- (TR CADENCE, CRUNCH OF BIG LINEMEN, FLIGHT OF BALL, LINEMEN RUSHING) and our defensive line was four slender boys, all of them English majors, and I got the punt off (PUNT) just as I was hit by three 250-pound linemen (BIG GORILLAS LUNGE, GK OOFFF, GROANS, REF'S WHISTLE) and there was a penalty on the play ---- (TR ON P.A.: ROUGHING THE KICKER. FIRST DOWN, AUDIE MURPHY) (ROAR OF CROWD) ---- and I limped to the bench (LIMPING......)Where am I?
SS (DEEP): Over this way, Carson. (GK GROAN) You just got off a great punt and you drew a Roughing the Kicker penalty. You did great.
SS (DEEP): You'll be okay. Give him some oxygen. (OXYGEN VENT) Slap him a few times. (WHACKS)
GK: Audie Murphy was down by seven touchdowns but our demented coach would not quit. (TR KIRK: You've got to go in there and draw more Roughing the Kicker penalties, Wyler. That's the only way we can move the ball) ----(FN CADENCE, BALL IS HIKED, FLUTTER OF BALL, ONRUSHING LINEMEN) (PUNT) (CREAMING OF GK, REF'S WHISTLE) (TR: ROUGHING THE KICKER. FIRST DOWN)
So we had a first down on Ernest Tubb's 35 yard line. My job was to kick a field goal to make it 49-3.
TR KIRK: You can do it, Carson. For the honor of Audie Murphy. For your teammates. (GRUNTS) Do it for Texas.
TEAM SINGS QUIETLY:
The eyes of Texas are upon you.
You're the one they'll blame.
The eyes of Texas are upon you.
So don't screw up the game.)
GK: So I went out to kick a 45-yard field goal and my place holder was Marvin Malloy (FN HIGH SHAKY: I'm not gonna hold it too long, okay?) and the snap from center (SLOW FLUTTERING) was high and slow and five four-hundred pound linemen (WILD BUFFALO CHARGE) and Marvin got the ball just as they stepped on him (BELLOW, CRUNCH OF BONES) and the ball leaked out (SQUORT) and I grabbed it and I ran as the linemen went by (BELLOWING BEASTS) and I went for the goal line (GALLOPING FEET, PANTING) and I crossed the goal line (CHEER) and (RUNNING, PANTING) I kept going all the way to the freeway and (SEMI HORN, BRAKES) I got a ride with a trucker who took me to Tulsa and (TRAIN WHISTLE) I hopped a freight to Chicago and (STEAM SLOWING) and I saw an ad in the paper for an aerial stuntman so I rode on the wings of a Curtiss Ingham biplane (SFX) doing loops and barrel rolls at air shows all the way up to Minnesota where we crashed into the Mississippi River (SFX) and I was rescued beautiful blonde on water skis (SPEEDBOAT, SS: HERE! TAKE MY HAND! Whoosh) and every since I returned to Minnesota, I have avoided anything dangerous like football. I like Renaissance music (SHAWMS, SACKBUTS) and I like to play tennis (SFX) and I raise cats (MEOWS), the animal of choice for northern liberals, and I do this show and sing duets with gentle women such as Christine Digiallonardo.