TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.


GK: It was Thanksgiving week and I was feeling mighty grateful for a lot of things, such as the improved cash flow that came from my work in the recent election. I was the guy who turned around a Senate race by planting a camera in a candidate's car and catching him in a moment of road rage (HONKING. TR RAGE "WHY YOU** ** ** I OUGHTA ** YOUR ** IN A **, YOU **" WITH FN BLEEPS. GUNSHOTS) --- I was paid generously for that video and so I was able to move up to a one-bedroom at the Shropshire Arms.

SS (DORIS): How can you afford this, Guy?

GK: No problem.

SS (DORIS): I want two months rent in advance.

GK: Here you go right here.

SS (DORIS): And remember: no pets!

GK: How about a fish?

SS (DORIS): Awwwwww.

GK: And a macaw---- (SFX: MACAW "AWWWWW")



SS (DORIS): I mean it. (MACAW): "I MEAN IT")

SS (DORIS): Stop copying me. (MACAW: "STOP COPYING ME")

GK: And I got an elegant new girlfriend Blair Parker, a successful animal rights lawyer-----

SS (ON PHONE): I'm in Houston, darling. I had to leave suddenly to file an appeal in the Weimeraner case. Let's Skype. How about a week from Monday?

GK: I missed her so much I got on a plane and flew down, but also because I got a missing persons case-----

SS: Mr. Noir? Listen. I'm calling from Houston. My name is Susan and I have lost my husband Stanley somewhere in a mall here --- he is the one who lost his race for Congress because it came out that he likes to sing madrigals in his spare time and that is not good down here in Texas ---- anyway, we were in the store looking at pajamas for him and he was in the dressing room and I went to find him a bigger size, and I took his pants with me so the sales person could measure them, but when I got back to the dressing room he was gone so I texted him, "Where are you at?" And he said, "I am at the food court, I got hungry" and I said, "You don't have any pants on" and he said, "Oh. You're right." So I went to the food court and I couldn't find my phone to text him, and then I heard people talk about the police coming to arrest a flasher, so I went out on the street as the police were pulling away, and I don't know if it was him or not ----- could you come down and help me? I'll send the company jet. (STING, BRIDGE)

GK: ---- So I flew to Houston and found the mall and went into Starbucks-----(ESPRESSO MACHINE) ---- let me try the venti poblano latte with mocha sprinkles ---- and soy milk.

TR: Okay. What kind of bird is that? A crow?

FN (MACAW): No, I'm a macaw.

TR: Cool. (BRIDGE)

GK: So I sat down in the corner expecting to hear people talk about cattle or the election or something, but no ------ a very fashionable woman and somebody, maybe her brother, sat right behind me-----

CD: So anyway I was getting my hair done ---- with Sheldon, you know---- (FN: Right)---- I mean, he's the first one who really 'gets' my hair. (FN: You look fabulous.) He's been doing my hair for about eighteen months now, after that butcher I went to for years ----- (FN: Yes, I know) and anyway Sheldon is brilliant, just brilliant. I mean, he gets it he totally gets it. So he was washing my hair with this new cucumber shampoo and I was so relaxed because he has such a wonderful touch and I was almost falling asleep, and then in the middle of rinsing out the conditioner, he died, he just dropped dead. (FN: Oh wow.) He just fell to the floor and someone came and tried to do CPR and he was gone. Right there. I wasn't even all rinsed out. (FN: Oh honey. So what did you do?) Well, the EMTs asked me to move so I did and then I saw that Eugene's chair was empty and I sat down and I mean he's not like Sheldon was but he's younger and so I doubt that he's going to just suddenly drop dead on top of me. I mean, what is that? (FN: It must've been horrible.)



TR: Care for another?

GK: Yeah, I'd have another poblano latte, but with onion sprinkles. Venti.

FN (MACAW): Venti.

TR: I really miss my crow.

GK: What happened to him?

TR: He flew into a picture window. My girlfriend was standing there, naked, and he flew right into it.

FN (MACAW): Oh boy. Oh boy.

GK: Is there a problem with cellphone reception here? I'm waiting for a call.

TR: No, I don't think so.

FN (MACAW): No problem. No problem.

GK: I took my poblano latte back to the table and two other people were sitting there, a man in a black Spandex outfit and a woman friend.

FN: I had to go in to see my therapist yesterday because I am getting this constricted feeling in my chest with the holidays coming on (SS: Oh I've read about that) and I get incredibly depressed and it gets worse and worse and some days I just turn out the lights and lie in bed and and listen to Adele and I don't get up for days and I just cry and cry and cry (SS: You have to let it out) And then he started writing out a prescription for Xanax. He said, "This'll help you with the holiday anxiety you're experiencing. Everyone needs a little bump during these challenging times." And he was just about to sign the prescription when he died. He just dropped dead. (SS: No.) He sort of took a deep breath and he fell down dead. (SS: What did you do?) I had a major panic attack and I grabbed my coat and I ran ---- I thought, "I'm having separation anxiety. Twenty years I was with him." (SS: That's terrible.) So I saw an open door and I ran in and there was Dr. Comer sitting in a rocking chair and she said, How can I help? And I sat down and it was such a comfort. Want another coffee? (SS: Sure.) What kind? (SS: How about a mocha. No whipped cream.) Okay. Be right back. (BRIDGE)

GK: And then my phone rang (CG SINGS RINGTONE: When I'm calling you-u-u-u-u-u-u) ----- Hello?

SS: Mr. Noir, it's Susan again ----- listen I still can't find Stanley ----- where are you?

GK: I'm in Starbucks.

SS: Which one?

GK: No idea.

SS: Is it near Wetzel's Pretzels?

GK: I don't think so.

SS: I was there ten minutes ago and got a pretzel and --- you won't believe this ---- right there on the ground? my phone---- the one I lost when I was looking for Stanley after he wandered out of the dressing room with no pants on. Anyway---- I had NO idea how it got there, but anyway it was dead so I had to go buy a charger, and by now the Apple store was closing, so I didn't know what to do but then in the food court I saw a girl on her cellphone talking to her boyfriend and she was plugged into an outlet with her charger, so I asked to borrow it and she said, "Sure, totally" so I plugged it in and there were all these text messages from Stanley and he said "Meet me at Nike" and I had no clue which Nike he meant, and anyway all of the stores were closing up and so I came into this Victoria's Secret and if you could look around for a Victoria's Secret ----- and ask Mr. Phelps the pilot which mall you're in, he'll know, and the three of us can comb the mall and .....Oh wait a second....there he is....never mind. Hi Stanley. (DIAL TONE) .

FN (MACAW): Watza story? Watza story?

GK: C'mon let's go.

FN (MACAW): Didja get the money? Didja get the money?

GK: The check is in the mail. Let's go home.

FN (MACAW): No place like home.


TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.