TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
GK: It was October, and turning cold, and 47% of the American people were feeling victimized by winter and looking to the government to do something about it.
TR (ROMNEY): And I will do something about it. For four years we have gone through one winter after another. If I am elected, I am going to bring change. How? By releasing carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. We're going to bring real climate change. And that's no lie. When I become President, on day one I (CLICK)
GK: I wasn't listening to the campaigns. I was busy with ordinary problems. People were hurrying to get ready for winter ---- taking off screens, putting on storm windows --- Doris, what are you doing on that ladder?
SS (DORIS, OFF): Somebody's got to do it!
GK: And my downstairs neighbor Leilani.
HJ: Sorry to bother you, Mr. Noir, but could you help me get this air conditioner out of the window?
GK: This one here? This is a monster. Kind of a boyfriend job, isn't it? What happened to Brendan?
HJ: We broke up.
GK: What happened?
HJ: He read my journal.
GK: Oh oh. Couldn't take the truth, huh?
HJ: Actually it wasn't about him, it was about his dog Brandy. But he thought it was about him.
GK: Hmmm. Maybe you need to work on your handwriting. Here. If I just loosen the brackets holding the air conditioner here....shouldn't be too hard. You just (HARD RATCHETING) loosen this one. And then you (HARD RATCHET) loosen this one----
HJ: Are you sure?
GK: Yeah, and then I just loosen these braces here. (RATCHET) And------ (CREAKING) Oh my gosh.....(CREAK) Oh this must weigh five hundred pounds.
HJ: Don't let it drop ----- hold on!!!
GK: Easy for you to say. What's down there?
HJ: The sidewalk.
GK: I'm trying to hold it. (CREAKING, LOUD WRENCHING, RASPING) (FALLING) Fore!!!!!!!!! (ENORMOUS CRASH) I tried to hold it. (FAST FOOTSTEPS DOWN STEPS) (MUSIC CHASE) We ran down four flights of stairs to the sidewalk and there was the wreckage of the air conditioner. And there standing looking down at it were two men and a woman.
TR (IRISH): Praise be to God in heaven. It missed us by just inches.
DR: It's a miracle. I stopped to adjust my yarmulke and if I hadn't, I would've been crushed like a bug.
SS: I looked up and there it was, I had no chance to duck, I just stopped and it came slamming down on the sidewalk.
GK: Everybody okay?
TR (IRISH): Praise be to St. Christopher.
GK: You're a priest. And you---- you're a rabbi----
DR: Right.
GK: And you?
SS: Unitarian minister.
GK: A priest, a rabbi and a Unitarian minister??
TR (IRISH): I believe my life was spared because I am carrying the Holy Sacraments to visit a sick woman.
DR: And I was saved because I am carrying the Torah.
GK: And you?
SS: I may have been saved because I'm carrying the copying machine.
GK: But you're all okay?
TR (IRISH): Faith yes, praise be to God.
DR: It goes to show that God is merciful indeed.
TR (IRISH): It goes to show that our very lives are in his hands.
GK: And you?
SS: Me?
GK: You----
SS: It goes to show that it's dangerous to walk too close to a priest and a rabbi. (BRIDGE)
GK: It sort of changed my day. I could have been arrested for reckless endangerment. Or for negligent manslaughter. Instead I slipped Leilani three hundred bucks for her air-conditioner and I called Johnny the Junkman and for twenty bucks he scraped the wreckage off the sidewalk.
TR (JUNKMAN): What happened here, Noir?
GK: I was taking it out of the window. It slipped.
TR (JUNKMAN): You shoulda got somebody who knew what he was doing. You coulda killed somebody. A mother and a child. Somebody's grandma. A wounded veteran. Somebody who just won at poker and they're running home with the winnings and they're killed by an appliance. (BRIDGE)
GK: It made me feel awful. Which of course I do in the fall anyway. I think about people I've treated badly. Like Sugar. (SS SUGAR WEEPING) Breaking up with her. My fault.
SS (SUGAR, WEEPING): Oh Guy, how can you do this? Things were going along so good. We had that lovely weekend in Fargo.
GK: I think about my sister Georgina, how I have let her down last Thanksgiving.
SS (GEORGINA):: You can't come for Thanksgiving??? Why?? I was planning on you being here. Oh Guy----
GK: I'm sorry. I gotta go to Chicago on a case.
SS (GEORGINA):: Well, next year then----- (GUILT CHORD)
GK: I spent Thanksgiving at Chicago Pizza around the corner, having the turkey and cranberry hoagie. And as I sat there, polishing off my pecan pie.....
DR: Hey mister. Remember us?
TR: From the radio?
DR: We're the Soybean Boys, Roy and Loy. From the Saturday Jamboree----
TR: Sponsored by Pied Piper Soybean Sandwich Spread. Remember? (THEY SING) Try soybeans, try soybeans. For vitamins and fiber, it's Pied Piper. The sandwich spread that's miles ahead. --- PIED PIPER.
GK: I'm not from around here, okay? Never heard it.
DR: Every Saturday.
GK: Lots of people used to be on the radio.
TR: The transmitter waves caused premature dementia and now we can't remember the way back home, can't remember the keys on the typewriter.
GK: What's your point?
DR: Just wondering if you could find it in your heart to help us out.
TR: Please. (CHOKES UP) Can you spare us a few bucks. Enough to buy a turkey dinner?
DR: We'll tell you some jokes. How about it? There were these two penguins on an ice floe.
GK: How about I give you each a buck to go away and leave me alone? Huh? You know what your problem is: you consider yourselves victims and you expect other people to take care of you----
DR: Awww come on....have a heart.
TR: Yeah. (BRIDGE)
GK: I can still see that look on his face. (DR REPEAT REVERB: Have a heart.....have a heart......have a heart.....have a heart.) So I went over to see my therapist, Jimmy, the bartender at the Five Spot. (BAR AMBIENCE, CLINK OF GLASSWARE)
TR (JIMMY): What can I get you, Guy?
GK: Am I a good person, Jimmy? I try to be. I give my old clothes to the Salvation Army.
TR: Uh huh.
GK: I smile at people.
TR: You do?
GK: Well, not now, but usually. I give blood.
TR: When?
GK: Couple years ago. If I see someone with his fly open I say, Hey check your barn doors. ---- Jimmy? You listening to me?
TR (JIMMY): Oh. Sorry. -----I was just reading in the paper about these two old broadcasters. The Soybean Boys. Ever hear of them?
GK: What about them?
TR (JIMMY): They inherited seventeen million dollars from an uncle in North Dakota.
GK: Is that right.
SS (BREATHY): Did I hear you mention the Soybean Boys?
(STING, BRIDGE)
GK: She was beautiful. Her hair was the color of golden wheat, the kind of wheat that would make you not care about glutens. She was tall with long legs that went down and down and down all the way to the ground. She was wearing a low-cut blouse that I had to keep my eyes on just in case I had to jump in and throw a jacket over her.
SS (BREATHY): I loved the Soybean Boys. I listened to them as a kid. They were my favorite radio stars. They're like uncles to me.
GK: I loved the Soybean Boys too. Listened to them faithfully.
SS (BREATHY): You did not. You're not from around here.
GK: Well-----
SS (BREATHY): I heard they went to North Dakota. I'm going to find them. Goodbye. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SHUT, JINGLE)
GK: Fall. It's a beautiful time and it can break your heart if you're not careful.
(THEME)
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.