(WESTERN THEME)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS......brought to you by Bogalusa Brand Boots, Boats, Flutes, Glutens, Galoshes, Bug Bomb, and Breath Spray. And now.....today's exciting adventure.
(HORSES HOOVES, TROTTING)
GK: There she is, Dusty. The Red River. Come and sit by my side if you love me, do not hasten to bid me adieu.
TR: I beg your pardon.
GK: Shreveport, Dusty. All these years it has been my goal to sing on the "Louisiana Hayride" and now here I am. On the verge of crossing off one more item on my bucket list. After this comes Macchu Picchu and the Great Wall of China and kissing Julie Christie and then I can kick the bucket.
TR: What's the big deal about the Louisiana Hayride?
GK: It's good luck, Dusty. It's where Elvis sang when he was 19 and he was still driving truck in Memphis and his legs were shaking because he was nervous and he heard girls voices and he thought they were laughing but they weren't, they were screaming, and that'd never happened to him in Memphis, but in Shreveport he realized that he could be a star.
TR: So you're hoping that women will scream at you.
GK: The women of Shreveport have seen it all, Dusty. If you can make a Shreveport woman scream, then you can take over the world.
TR: So how you going to get on the Hayride?
GK: I know the janitor. He's gonna let me in backstage and I am going to lurk in the dressing room area and wait til I see Mr. Chuck Acres -----
TR: You mean, the Chuck Acres?
GK: The very one. I will overpower him with chloroform and put on his costume and go out and sing one of my songs and we'll see where it goes from there.
TR: I believe that chloroforming a singing star is a crime even in Louisiana.
GK: A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
TR: Well, I want no part of it. I'm going to find me a nice cocktail lounge down by the river and I'll wait for you there----
GK: As you wish. But don't forget to tune in to the show, Dusty.
TR: Well, don't forget to give me a call from the county jail because you ain't going to get screamed at. Except by me.
GK: You never know------
TR: I do know. You can go out there and sing your heart out and then some pretty girl in her early 20s will come on and they'll forget all about you, buddy boy.
GK: Thanks for the good wishes. Okay----- here's the stage door. You take the horses. See you later. (HE DISMOUNTS, HORSE WHINNY, CHUFF. FOOTSTEPS ON ALLEY, CAT MEOW, THEN UP STAIRS) Hope that same stagehand is guarding the door. (KNOCKS ON DOOR, DOOR OPEN)
FN (DEEP): Yeah?
GK: Oh. I want to come and see Chuck Acres. I'm Chuck's cousin Harvey.
FN (DEEP): Your name ain't on the pass list.
GK: Oh. Here's a twenty and a bottle of bourbon.
FN (DEEP): Ah, there's your name. Didn't see it at first. Come on in. (FOOTSTEPS)
GK: Hmmmm. Famous names on the dressing room doors. Wow. Ida Dunmore. Amelia Rate. Gloria Inexcelsis. Ah, here it is. Chuck Acres. (KNOCKS ON DOOR)
TR (INSIDE): Yo. (DOOR OPEN)
GK: Sorry to disturb you, Mr. Acres. I am really sorry. I am just the biggest fan of yours and I wondered if you might sign my autograph book here. I apologize. Just a signature.
TR: (GRUMBLING)
GK: And how about a little chloroform too---- (TR OHHH, GROAN. FALL) Have a nice sleep, sir. Well, let's look in the closet here. (HANGERS IN CLOSET) Hmmmm. White jacket or maroon jacket. Think I'll do the maroon jacket and the white pants. (RUSTLE OF CLOTHING) No. White jacket and maroon pants. That's the ticket. Hmmmm. Nice and roomy in the seat. You are a big man, Mr. Acres. There. (ZIPPER) All set. Grab your guitar (STRUM CHORD) (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Uh oh. Who's that? Oh boy. I gotta get out of here. (DOOR OPEN) (FOOTSTEPS)
AS: Oh hi. (SHE SCREAMS)
GK: It's okay, ma'am. He just felt sort of peaked and decided to lay down.
AS: What are you doing in his suit?
GK: I told him I'd fill in for him. Lefty's the name.
AS: Is he okay?
GK: He's better than he's been in a long time.
AS: But he and I were supposed to sing a duet on the show!
GK: I can sing it with you. I know all his songs. I know ---- (STRUMS GUITAR)
I've looked at cows from both sides now
From front and back and still somehow
The sight of them makes me feel small.
I really don't know cows at all.
AS: I hate that song.
GK: Then we won't do it. What do you want to sing?
AS: Don't worry about it. (VOICES IN PASSING, FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE)
GK: Give me a hint.
AS: Let me just say this ---- if you mess up, I'll kill you, I swear I will.
GK: It'd help if I knew what we were going to sing.
AS: Shut up. I'm thinking.
GK: Okay. Let me know when you figure it out.
AS: Let's go. (FOOTSTEPS)
TR (ANNC, FADING IN): .....back with more of the Hayride after a message from Guy's All-Purpose Antiseptic, use it on cuts and bruises, scrapes or contusions, and if you suffer from chronic bronchitis, gargle with Guy's every morning and every night at bedtime. Be wise......use Guy's. (FN GARGLE MUSICAL SCALE, ASCENDING) Guy's All-Purpose Antiseptic. ......And now here's a pretty little lady who has a way with a song, here's Susie Chattahoochie. What you got for us, Susie?