GK: It's a beautiful summer night, your cellphone rings (ELECTRONIC DOG BARK) and it's your boss inviting you to go sailing in the morning. (TR VOICE AT OTHER END) Well, hey, why not? (FN: Hey. Heck yes. Sure.) You've never sailed in your life. You grew up on a farm in east Tennessee. What to wear on a sailboat? (FN: MUTTERING) You look in a men's magazine and there's a guy standing on a sailboat and he's wearing a seersucker suit and a bow tie and a straw hat. Okay. Good. (OMINOUS LOW TONES) All night you have dreams about being caught in a storm (WIND, BIG WAVES) and a Coast Guard helicopter (CHOPPER) and the boat being bashed against the rocks (WOOD CRUNCH, CRIES OF HELP) and you wake up in the morning (BIRDS) and it's a beautiful sunny day. You go to the lake and there he is, waving to you (TR OFF) and you walk over in your seersucker suit, your straw hat, your wingtips, and he's in shorts and T-shirt, barefoot, sunglasses (TR GIBBERISH AND CHUCKLES) ---- you forgot sunglasses. But you get on the boat and he motors away from the dock (MOTOR BUBBUBBUBBUB) and you have a gin and tonic (CLINK OF ICE, TR CHEERY GIBBERISH, FN GIBBERISH) and then beyond the breakwater he raises the sail (VIGOROUS CRANKING, RIGGING, SAIL BILLOWS) and the boat is leaning way over to the left (CREAKING) and moving fast. You hang on tight (FN DREAD) and your boss is very busy pulling on ropes (RATCHET) and tying ropes around things (TR BUSY GIBBERISH)
GK: ...and you feel very odd (FN NAUSEA) as if your insides are about to turn inside out. The guy in the magazine was smoking a cigar so you brought cigars and you light one (SFX) and you've never smoked a cigar before and (FN NAUSEA) the wind blows the coal off the cigar and into your boss's lap (TR CRY OF PAIN, AND URGENT GIBBERISH) and his shorts are on fire and he drops them and stamps out the fire (SFX) and now you are really ill (FN SICKNESS) and you go down the stairs (SFX) to a little tiny room where there is a toilet with a plunger along it and you read the complicated directions on the side (FN ILL, READING) and the ship leans way over to the right now (CREAKING, RIGGING, NAUSEA) and you push the plunger and (GURGLING, BUBBLING) a lot of bad stuff comes up (WHOOSH), a lot of really bad stuff, and you run back up the stairs and there's your boss half naked (TR COMMAND GIBBERISH) and he is telling you to take the wheel. So you do (FN NAUSEA) and he's opening up a cupboard to find a pair of shorts and you steer the boat (SFX) and suddenly the sail and the boom come swinging across and (BONK, TR CRY) hit your boss and he falls unconscious to the deck and you are steering (FN PANIC) and the boat is going very fast (RIGGING) and you're not sick anymore, you're terrified (FN TERROR) because straight ahead of you is the biggest ship you've ever seen (OCEAN LINER HORN) and you're heading straight for it. (OCEAN LINER HORN)
GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie. It's the secret of the good life as we know it.
THEME
But one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot,
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
DUET:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.