(BLIZZARD, WOLF HOWLS)
TR (ANNC): In the swamps and forests of the far north, miles away from the vast desolation that we call Canada, a man is vulnerable to wind and weather, to predator and pestilence, and to the worst enemy of all ----- loneliness ----- unless he has a faithful canine companion by his side. Join us now as Puppy Chunks dogfood brings you this exciting episode of Derek, Dog of Duluth.
(WIND, OFF)
GK: More snow, Derek. That's good. The deeper the drifts around our little shack, the better. (DOG PANTS, SNIFFS) Keeps people away. Especially women. Hyper-critical manipulative women. They run the world. That's why I headed for the deep woods. I wasn't meant to live with women. Women tell you you're doing things the wrong way. When you live alone, everything you do is the right way. No, I love it out here.
(KNOCKING)
FN (DOG): (BARKS)
GK: Derek! Leave it!
FN (DOG): Somebody's here, open the door! Maybe they have a dog too. A female. Oh boy o boy o boy o boy. (TAIL WAGS)
GK: Leave it!
GK: Nobody knows I'm out here. Nobody.
(FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPENS, WIND)
SS: Hi. I'm with public radio and I'm here to deliver your membership premiums.
GK: Don't want any. (DOOR SHUTS, A BEAT, DOG PANTS, KNOCKING) Not a member. Don't want to be a member.
SS (OFF): Please, sir. It's cold out here. (GK SIGH, DOOR OPENS)Oh thank you, sir. Thank you. (DOOR CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS)
FN (DOG): Oh boy oh boy oh boy. You got a dog, lady? You got a dog? You got a dog? You got a dog? -
GK: Derek. Sit.
SS: Hi. I'm Dianne DuPre. Duluth Public Radio. I've got a coffee mug and a tote bag and a T-shirt ---- Oh my gosh. You're wearing a flannel shirt.
GK: I am. So what? (TAGS, DEEP DOG SNIFF, SS YELP) Derek! Leave it! (WHINE) I'm sorry.
SS: That's okay. I don't mind being sniffed there. It's what dogs do. It was nice.
(TAIL THUMPING)
FN (DOG): Fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun
SS: I love flannel shirts. Plaid flannel shirts. Red ones. Like the one you're wearing. May I touch it?
(A BEAT)
GK: Touch my shirt?
SS: I know. I'm in public radio, I'm supposed to be cool and objective and not have these deep primal feelings ----- Oh wow. Oh my gosh. Do you mind if I smell it?
GK: You want to smell me?
SS: Please.
GK: I haven't bathed in two months.
SS: I love a good manly musk. The men I know wear perfume. (SHE INHALES) Oh wow. The smell of a mammal.
GK: I'm afraid you have the wrong man. I never listen to public radio and all that womanly p.c. nonsense. I'm a manly man-----
SS: Would you have an extra flannel shirt? One that I could put on?
GK: I don't know---
SS: And then take off the rest of my clothes? They're wet. And cold.
GK: No. (DOG WHINES) Derek, Sit.
FN: Oh, jeez.
GK: Down.
FN: how about this?
GK: Down.
FN: All the way?
GK: Down. Lie down.
FN: Fine. (SIGH, THUMP)
GK: Good boy. Treat. (DOG SCARFING TREAT)
SS: Wow. I really love flannel. I mean I really really love it.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
GK: Now who's that?
SS: I don't know .
GK: They're not with you?
SS: I don't think so.
(FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN)
TR (CANADIAN): Yah hi there. Am I in America yet?
SS: Oh my gosh. Another flannel shirt. (HEARTBEAT)
GK: You are.
TR (CANADIAN): Good. I'm heading for Duluth, as an illegal alien to shovel sidewalks.
GK: Ma'am. Stop touching me, please.
SS: Sorry. Let's get married. You and me.
TR & GK: Me?
SS: Either one. I don't care. Or both of you. You've both got flannel shirts on.
TR (CANADIAN): Well that sounds good, But--I'm already married, so.
SS: How about you then?
GK: Me?
SS: Why not?
GK: I have no bathroom, no Internet, very poor radio reception.....
SS: I can work with that. We'll install solar panels, we'll put in wi-fi, install a toilet that uses biodegradable chemicals.
GK: Please. Just leave me alone!
SS: Come here, Derek. Come to mama. (DOG PANTS, LICKS) There you go. That's my boy.
FN (DOG): Oh boy O boy O boy O boy. I love to be scratched there. Love it love it love it love it.
GK: Derek, get over here.
FN (DOG): Nuh huh.
SS: You like that, don't you. Getting your belly rubbed.
FN (DOG): Oh yeah. Oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah (THUMPING LEG)
GK: I just want to be left alone.
SS: Marry me, Mister.
GK: No. Absolutely not.
FN (DOG): I'm so happy ! Happy happy happy happy happy---
GK: Derek, come here.
FN (DOG): No no no no no no no no.
SS: Marry me or else Derek is going to attack you.
GK: Attack me???
(FN GROWL)
SS: I work in membership. I know how to get tough. Say yes, or I'll have Derek leap at your throat and bite you until you bleed.
GK: Take your premiums. Go. Derek, come here. Sit. Sit.
FN GROWL
SS: I may look like a liberal feminist but when I see something I want, I can become post-feminist in a big hurry. SAY YES. OR ELSE.
GK: NO.
SS: ONE MORE CHANCE. SAY YES.
FN GROWL
SS: Okay Mister. Go get him, Derek.
FN SNARLS AND LEAPS
GK: YES! YES! YES!!!
(THEME)
TR (ANNC): Join us again as Puppy Chunks Dogfood brings you another exciting tale from the swamps and forests of the far north, where man lives with his faithful canine companion....DEREK DOG OF DULUTH.