TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME)
GK: I was sitting at my desk killing time looking at YouTube videos ---- there was a video of a guy walking into a glass door (TR HUMMING, FOOTSTEPS, GLASS BREAKAGE) and then a piece by Philip Glass (RD PIANO, ARPEGGIOS W GLASS CHORDS) and then a couple of pipers from Glasgow (TR & SS PIPES) and then a plumber talking about pipes ----
TR: Yeah, I used to stick with galvanized but now I'm about 75% PVC, I just think it makes more sense......
GK: Then the phone rang....(RINGS. PICKUP) Yeah, Noir here.
SS (SUGAR): Hi Guy.
GK: Sugar.
SS (SUGAR): I'm just calling just to see how you are, Guy. How are you?
GK: Fine. How's with you?
SS (SUGAR): Guy, I need to know if you're sending me a Valentine. Cause I was thinking of sending you one but I don't want to feel like a fool so if you're not, then I'm not. Okay?
GK: Sugar, we broke up years ago.
SS (SUGAR): I know. I was there. So if I sent you a Valentine, which I'm not saying I would, but if I did, is there somebody else who would get mad with jealousy and want to come over and shoot me?
GK: No.
SS (SUGAR): Same here.
GK: I thought you were with Wally.
SS (SUGAR): Oh it's a long story.
GK: Well, I guess I could send you a Valentine.
SS (SUGAR): Only if you want to.
GK: Are you sending me one?
SS (SUGAR): I'd like to.
GK: Well, then I'll send you one.
SS (SUGAR): You're sure?
GK: Yes. (BRIDGE) Valentine's Day is a busy season for me.
TR: Yeah, Mr. Noir, this is Dave Loogie, Listen, I need you to deliver a dozen pink tulips to my wife Sandy, okay? And put on the tag: Love you forever Sandy. Kisses, Dave.
GK: Okay, but why not give them to her yourself------
TR: Because Tuesday is my bowling night.
GK: Uh huh.
TR: A dozen pink tulips with one red tulip in the middle.
GK: Okay. For Sandy.
TR: Right. Spend as much as it takes. Ten, fifteen bucks, whatever. Make the woman happy.
GK: Okay. I get it. (BRIDGE) So I ordered the tulips from the greenhouse and I was about to go pick up the tulips when Sharon the barista from the Brew Ha Ha walked in.
(FOOTSTEPS)
SS: Hey Guy. Need you to do me a favor.
GK: Okay.
SS: I met this guy. Norman. Nice guy. Tall. Has hair. Pretty funny. No wedding ring. Bingo, right? The jackpot.
GK: Uh huh.
SS: He invited me over to his place, and we watched the Super Bowl, and when the Giants won, he put his arms around me, and yesterday he texted me and said I left my scarf at his apartment, so I think there's an attraction there. I'd like to send him a dozen roses. What do you think? I mean, do you think I'm being stupid?
GK: Love is not about intelligence, Sharon. Never was, never will be. (BRIDGE)
GK: So, I got a dozen roses and the pink tulips with a red tulip in the center, and I wrote out the cards, and was on my way to deliver (TRAFFIC) when I saw Mr. Joey Roast Beef waving at me from across the street. (SFX) Mr. Joey Roast Beef who, as of Tuesday told me he was going to rip my heart out of my chest with a pair of barbecue tongs.
TR (OFF): Hey Noir! Get over here! (TRAFFIC) Or we'll use the flowers for your funeral!!! (FOOTSTEPS, TROTTING)
GK: I pretended not to hear him and hoofed it along Seventh Street and around the corner.
TR (OFF): Hey! Noir!
GK: Luckily for me, Joey is 340 pounds and has an oxygen tank on his back, so he's not so swift afoot. (FOOTSTEPS) I ducked into an open door and up some stairs (FOOTSTEPS) and down a hallway and through a door into a room where people in shorts and T-shirts were doing aerobics. (FEET IN RHYTHM, TO BAND PLAYING DISCO) I took off my pants and jumped in and joined them.
GK: The personal trainer was a sultry babe in a low-cut blouse with Shelley embroidered on the pocket.
HM: C'mon, do it, do it, do it, do it. C'mon boys, Let's crunch.
ALL: CRUNCH AND CRUNCH AND CRUNCH AND CRUNCH
HM: Okay, boys ---- squat for me now.
ALL: SQUAT SQUAT SQUAT SQUAT
MAKE IT FAST, MAKE IT HOT
HM: Mmmmm, beautiful. Come on, let me hear you sizzle, boys! (STING, BRIDGE)
GK: When I came out of the gym, all hot and sweaty, Joey Roast Beef was gone, so I hurried off with my armload of flowers to deliver them.
SS: Oh my gosh. A dozen roses--wow, sexy! Let me see the card (SFX)----"Darling----(A BEAT) Sunday was so special. I look forward to being in your arms again. I adore you. Sharon." Who is Sharon? Who is this for? I'm Sandy. Mrs. Loogie. Dave's wife.
GK: Oh. Right----. Listen.
SS: Who is Sharon? WHO IS SHARON!!?!
GK: Gotta go. (QUICK FOOTSTEPS)
SS: Come back here and tell me who Sharon is or I'll kill you! (OFF) Come back!!!
(BRIDGE)
(PHONE RINGS, PICKUP)
GK: Amalgamated Pizza. May I take your order?
TR (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, this is Dave Loogie.
GK: This is Jose, here at Amalgamated Pizza, sir. Can I describe our specials to you, sir?
TR (ON PHONE): Noir, I am on my way over there to kill you with a nail gun.
GK: We have the Italian sausage, we have the cheese, we have the extra cheesy, the garlic pizza------
TR (ON PHONE): Then I'm going to drag you behind my car with a wire coat hanger.
GK: Listen, it was an honest mistake.
TR (ON PHONE): You're an honest mistake. And you're going to die, Noir. (STING, BRIDGE)
(INDOOR BUSY PUBLIC SPACE AMBIENCE)
GK: So that's how come I wound up down here in the Great Northern Depot, lying inside a big cardboard box, pretending to be a homeless person.
TR (TRAIN ANNC): Now boarding on Track 11, the westbound North Coast Limited......Staples, Fargo, Jamestown, Bismarck, Mandan, Dickinson, Glendive, Miles City, Billings and points west to Seattle......
GK: Actually I am a homeless person. Until Mr. Loogie and Joey Roast Beef forget all about me. And then I had a brilliant idea. I called up Joey.
(PHONE RING, PICK UP)
TR: YEAH.
GK: Joey, this is Dave Loogie. Remember me?
TR: Huh? This don't sound like the Dave Loogie I know.
GK: Well, I've had a cold. Listen, Joey, I called to tell you that me and Lulu are going to New York for a couple weeks.
TR: You and LULU????
GK: I wanted you to hear it from me, Joey. She fell for me, big time. And we've been seeing each other for a couple months now.
TR: YOU AND MY LULU????
GK: So I'm leaving Sandy and I'm going with Lulu and I just want to say I hope we can still be friends.
TR: I AM GONNA FIND YOU, CREEP. YOU ARE CREME BRULEE AND I AM THE BLOW TORCH. (CLICK)
GK: Hey, let them work it out between them. I'll just sleep here tonight. Or maybe I'll hop on a train.
TR (TRAIN ANNC): Boarding on Track 7, the Afternoon Hiawatha......stations stops: Hastings, Red Wing, Lake City, Wabasha, Winona, La Crosse, Sparta, Tomah, New Lisbon, Wisconsin Dells, Oconomowoc, and Milwaukee.
GK: Oconomowoc. A person could start a new life in Oconomowoc, couldn't you? I think so. Oconomowoc. A city with five o's -----. The very name breathes possibility.
(THEME)
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME OUT)