(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME)
GK: It was January and I hadn't had much business over the holidays and I was desperate for cash. I was three months behind on my rent and my landlady Doris was getting pushy.
SS (DORIS): I'm taking your driver's license for security, Guy. And your laptop computer. And your cellphone.
GK: Doris---- I'd be lost without my cellphone.
SS (DORIS): Then pay up your rent.
GK: Doris, my cellphone is the key to my life. I use GPS to go around the block to the post office.
SS (DORIS): They pay what you owe me.
GK: How about I work off the rent by providing security--
-- SS (DORIS): You----- security----- (SHE BEGINS A THROATY LAUGH THAT TURNS INTO COUGHING) (BRIDGE)
GK: So I had to advertise for a roommate on the Internet. And that afternoon when I got back from lunch at Danny's Deli, a guy in a big hat was sitting in my living room with about six guitars and other stuff piled on the floor. ----- Hey. Excuse me, but you're in my apartment. Who let you in here?
BP: The landlady. Your name Noir?
GK: Right.
BP: I'm R.D. Dupree. I'm your new roommate.
GK: I advertised for a woman in her mid-twenties, attractive, with a outgoing personality.
BP: Well, I don't think you're likely to get someone like that but if she comes along she can move in with the two of us.
GK: What sort of a musician are you, R.D.?
BP: Well, I'm with a band called the Tennesee Toreadors.
GK: Never heard of them.
BP: We had an album called "All My Troubles".
GK: Uh huh. Don't think I came across that.
BP: I wrote a song on it called "Loneliness Is The Rent You Pay For The Space You Occupy Here On Earth" ----- it was streamed on quite a few websites.
GK: Uh huh. Listen. I really would rather not have a musician living here, nothing against you personally, I just would prefer the peace and quiet----
BP: I already paid up for the first four weeks.
GK: Paid who?
BP: The lady with the moustache.
GK: Doris.
BP: I don't recall her name.
GK: How much you give her?
BP: Four hundred dollars.
GK: Oh boy.
BP: She said I could use the phone for business calls.
GK: Uh huh. What business you in, R.D.?
BP: I do different things.
GK: Like what?
BP: I've done some ventriloquistic taxidermy.
GK: I never came across that before.
BP: It's sort of new.
GK: What is ventriloquistic taxidermy.
BP: Just what it sounds like. I stuff your dog or your cat and I make a video of them saying hi to you.
GK: And people pay for this?
BP: It hasn't really got off the ground yet.
GK: Is that it?
BP: Pretty much. I sell antique license plates on the side and I run Celebrity Bus Tours.
GK: What's that?
BP: You pay to take a bus tour and there's a celebrity on it.
GK: Like who?
BP: Different ones. Lamar Murcer.
GK: Who's he?
BP: He was the bass player with Bobby Ferris and The Wheels.
GK: You earn a living from this, Mr. Dupree? (PHONE RING)
BP: Would you mind answering that? Please.
GK: I was going to, it's my phone.
BP: It may be for me, so could you answer it and say DuPree Enterprises, Randy speaking.
GK: Randy----
BP: Right.
GK: Who's that?
BP: You.
GK: Why am I Randy all of a sudden?
BP: Randy was my former roommate.
GK: So?
BP: Just trying to be consistent.
(PICK UP)
GK: DuPree Enterprises, Randy speaking. ---- He's right here. For you.
BP: Thanks. ------ Hello? This is R.D. (TR VOICE) Okay. ----- (VOICE)----Sure. --------- (VOICE) Got it. ---------- (VOICE) You bet. ------- (VOICE) Great. ---------(VOICE) Okay. I'll have that for you in half an hour. ------(VOICE) Thanks for calling. (HANG UP) (HE STRUMS GUITAR, STARTING TO COMPOSE A SONG) (THEN SINGS)
Handsome, humble, articulate, and subtle that's me, Jim Ghostley.
I'm looking for a woman who is height-weight appropriate, at least mostly.
I'm a little heavy but if you can look past the surface and see the heart within
I think you'd be happy with me. And you can call me Jim.
GK: You writing that for the guy on the phone?
BP: Right, I'm a custom songwriter. Write songs for people's birthdays, anniversaries ----- or people in a dating situation like him.......
GK: I see. How much you charge for that?
BP: Fifteen dollars.
GK: Fifteen dollars for what you just wrote?
BP: You didn't care for it?
GK: Thought it could maybe use some more work, but----- whatever.
SS: Hello! Anybody home?
BP: Oh, hi, sweetheart. Come on in. Like you to meet my new roommate, Guy Noir.
SS: Fantastic. Where do you want the license plates, honey? Got a big box of them.
BP: Put em in the kitchen. On the table.
SS: And I brought Rex in. His left eyelid needs some glue.
GK: Excuse me, R.D., is she-----
BP: This is Sharlene.
SS: Soon to be Mrs. Dupree. (SHE TITTERS)
GK: So it's going to be the two of you?
BP: Sharlene handles all my mailing. We ship out license plates and we ship the stuffed animals. Like Rex here.
GK: You stuffed the dog, huh?
BP: Rex. Belonged to Lloyd in Hanover, Massachusetts.
GK: So you do -----
BP: Then I hold the dog on my lap and I do my ventriloquism. (DOG VOICE) Hi, Lloyd. Just want to say this: thanks for following me around with the Baggie. Preciate it.
SS: Isn't that cute? So lifelike.
(PHONE RING)
GK: How about Sharlene answers it? People'd rather talk to a woman, don't you think?
BP: Let's just stick with you for now.
(PICK UP)
GK: DuPree Enterprises, Randy speaking. ---- (SS VOICE) He's right here. For you.
BP: Thanks. ------ Hello? This is R.D. ------- (VOICE) Okay. ---------(VOICE) Yes, ma'am. ---------(VOICE) Got it. ----------(VOICE) You bet. -------(VOICE) Great. ---------(VOICE) Okay. I'll have that for you in fifteen minutes. ------ (VOICE) Thanks for calling. (HANG UP)
(HE STRUMS GUITAR, STARTING TO COMPOSE A SONG) (THEN SINGS)
BP:
You're an older fellow and financially secure.
And your IQ is at least room temperature.
Me? I am 24 and have a nice figure and a tattoo
Which I hope you'll discover soon and then Melissa is the one for you.
GK: How many of these you do in a day?
SS: He's been doing about ten of them a week. It was slow for awhile and now it's picking up.
GK: And you're still with the Tennesee Toreadors?
SS: He is--- Roy ----- but Harold our bass player is in another band called Erotic Dysfunction and they're on the road a lot.
BP: It's more of a hip-hop band.
GK: I see.
BP: Say, Sharlene----- the van is double-parked, would you mind running down and finding a spot? I'd do it but I got a twinge in my back. And I gotta stay close to the phone. You know-----
SS: Okay. Be right back. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE)
BP: So what kind of business are you in, Mr. Noir?
GK: I am a private eye. Detective.
BP: Is that right? Huh. You sure don't look much like a private eye.
GK: That's an advantage. You look at me, you don't think private eye, you think accountant. Or manager.
BP: I was thinking cab driver. Or valet parking.
GK: Even better.
BP: Speaking of looks, what kind of shampoo you got here?
GK: Just a regular shampoo.
BP: Think you could get some with aloe?
GK: I probably could.
BP: Organic.
GK: I'll see what I can do.
BP: The big bottle. I use a lot.
GK: I'll try to remember that.
BP (STRUMS, SINGS):
He is about 72 and rather heavy-set
And wherever he is going, he hasn't got there yet.
Major hair loss, and sort of homely too.
Someone must've loved him but it was hard to imagine who.
GK: You singing about me, Mr. DuPree?
BP: What makes you think that?
GK: You were looking at me right before you started singing. And the song was in the present tense.
BP: Oh? I didn't notice. (STRUMS, SINGS)
He was irritable, and suspicious too,
And he used an inferior shampoo.
What happened to him, I can only guess.
But I doubt that he ever found true happiness.
(PHONE RING) (2nd RING)
BP: You going to get that?
GK: No, I am not.
(3RD RING, 4TH RING)
BP: What's the problem?
GK: Mister, you come in here and take over my apartment, you bring in your girlfriend, your stuffed dog, your license plates----- (PICK UP)
BP: DuPree Enterprises. This is Roy speaking. (TR VOICE) Yeah, just a minute. ----- For you.
GK: Yeah, this is Guy. (TR VOICE) Oh hi, Lt. McCafferty. (VOICE) A van double-parked? Nope, it's not mine. (VOICE) Got no idea who she is. She said what? (VOICE) I got no idea. No idea. (HANG UP)
BP: Who was that?
GK: Cops.
BP: What's the problem?
GK: Towing your van.
BP: Okay. Can I have a key?
GK: No.
BP: I thought we had a deal. What's wrong? What did I do? Come on. So I'm human.
GK: Go be human someplace else.
BP: I just got moved in.
GK: You can get moved out.
BP: What's the problem?
GK: I don't care to have songs written about me.
BP: That's the problem? A song??
GK: Right. (PHONE RING)
BP: I'll get that.
GK: No, you won't. (THEY STRUGGLE)
BP: Celebrity Bus Tours!!!!
GK: It's out of business! (THEY STRUGGLE)
BP: Okay--- I'm out of here.
GK: Exactly.
BP: Give me back my money.
GK: Ask Doris.
BP: Give me the stuffed dog.
GK: Here you go.
BP: I'm coming back for the other stuff.
GK: I'll put it out in the hall.
BP: I don't understand-----
GK: Go--------
BP (SINGS): A private eye, that's what he claimed to be.
He sure didn't look like one to me. (THEY STRUGGLE)
He looked more like a guy who parks your car.
And that was the last I ever saw of (DOOR SLAM)
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME OUT)