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ER: Dear Diary: It's New Year's Eve and I'm alone. I thought I was going to a party with Leonardo who cuts my hair but it turned out that he can't be my boyfriend because he has a boyfriend, so that's okay. At least there's no pressure and when people ask how you are, to say Great, which, if the truth be told, I am not. After Leonardo told me that Roberto doesn't want him to date girls, I tried cutting my own bangs to show him I could and now I have to wear a scarf. Or a wig. So I'm fine being alone tonight.
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ER: I wonder what Erik is doing tonight. What a downer he was. New rule. Never go out with a comedian. He'd come home at two in the morning from a club where he'd done two sets ---- 90 minutes about his own feelings of inadequacy ---- and he cried himself to sleep and lay there moaning "Theresa, Theresa" all night long. My name is Emily. So, yeah. That didn't work out either.
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ER: For awhile I dated my yoga instructor, Sonny. But he was always trying to get me to open my chakras up to the universe and I finally told him my chakras were closed. And I was sick of downward dog anyway. And kale.
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ER: Then I dated my plumber named, Joe. My toilet was clogged and in the middle of the night it overflowed into my apartment. Joe totally cleaned it all up and even changed the carpets. I thought it was so sexy that he wasn't afraid to get his hands dirty. But after two weeks he told me he thought I used too much toilet paper. And I told him he didn't understand women. And that relationship went down the toilet.
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ER: I met a guy on "OK Cupid" named Simon. He lives in Australia. We skyped for awhile. And then he said he didn't want me seeing other people. And I told him we hadn't even met yet. He felt like it was love at first sight. And I said how can you even tell when your screen is all blurry. I signed out and never signed back in again.
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ER: Finally I decided to date the only man I felt really understood me. My therapist, Sam. We were both really open about our feelings and one night at dinner I ordered a salad with peanut dressing. And he broke down sobbing and told me how he was allergic to nuts and when he was a boy he had to sit at a special school cafeteria table labeled "Nut free" and all the other boys laughed at him. He stopped returning my calls I asked if it was because of the peanut dressing. And he said, "Yes, and also you missed your last two payments."
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ER: That was when I got Lukie. (WOOF) He adores me. I used to make fun of single girls who loved their dogs. I don't anymore. (WOOF) Lukie is totally on board with everything I do. Total commitment. Lukie gave me the confidence I needed to start dating again and that's when I met Jeff. He tried really really hard to be nice and took me out to sushi and then on the third date, when I was thinking maybe this could be serious, I saw the bumper stickers on his car. He was very big on Herman Cain. The Hermanator. He kept talking about nine-nine-nine. I thought he was German. And then Herman dropped out. It hurt Jeff. I tried to comfort him and I discovered he had a concealed weapon. And not the one I was expecting. Lukie got rid of him. (DOG SNARL) And then, when I swore I'd never date again, I met Larry. The software guy. He hadn't dated anyone in about ten years. Too busy at work. I had to show him how to put his arm around me. I don't think he's been around girls much. But he's so darned grateful. So is his mother. I see him about once every couple months. I guess he needs a lot of space. And you know something? That's just fine I am loved by my dog and life is good. Happy New Year.I like you, Larry, wherever you are. Give me a call sometime.
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