(BAGPIPES)
GK: Brought to you by St. Thomas Monastery of Golf ---- (PASTORAL UNDERSCORE) located on the coast of northern California where the rain and fog are just like in Scotland, the St. Thomas Monastery offers year-round golf (SWING, HIT, CROWD OOOOOOHHH, SCATTERED APPLAUSE) it's all guys, no women. So you can go around in your shorts and old sweatshirt, no need to get dressed up. There's a rule of silence so you never need to talk to anybody. But probably you will, especially after you have some whiskey which there's a rule against too. And for penance, you play golf (SWING. FLIGHT OF BALL. "OH WHY DID I DO THAT? I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THAT. WHY? WHY? ---- GLASS BREAKAGE. ) It's a tough course. The hazards are dreadful. Water, sand, sea (SURF), sea walruses (SFX), quicksand traps (SUCKING SFX) with crocodiles (SFX), giant condors (SCREECH), cannibals (SFX), cannonballs (CANNON FIRE), mines left over from World War II (EXPLOSION), Japanese dive bombers (JAP BANZAI, BOMBS DROPPING, EXPLOSIONS), hipsters from dive bars (HIP CHAT), hippopotami (SFX), potassium sulfate (SILENCE), and humpback whales (SFX).
There are no women at the Monastery of Golf except the chanteuse Mamzelle Rose La Vie. (ACCORDION)
SS (FRENCH): Come around, boys. You like I sing you a song? (MALE MURMURS) Bring me drink of whiskey. (SINGS, HIGH, WAVERY, TO "LA VIE EN ROSE"):
If you love the game of golf
You really ought to see
The chapel of St. Thomas
You will find your ecstasy
As you play around with me,
And you will score, I promise
GK: If you're feeling down, don't go to some program or retreat where you're going to have to talk about your childhood and hug each other and cry. At the Monastery of St. Thomas, you have a big bowl of oatmeal for breakfast (SFX) and you call your dog (DOG BARKS) and you head out into the fog (FOGHORN) and you keep your mouth shut and play golf. (SWING, KLIK, FLIGHT OF BALL. OOOOHHHHH. BAGPIPE CHORD BUTTON)