(WESTERN THEME)
SS (ANNC): THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS...brought to you by G.P.S, the Global Positioning Saddle ---- it's guaranteed to get you where you want to go but it gives you directions through an earpiece that fits under your hat so nobody knows there's a woman telling you where to go. (SS ELECTRONIC: Take a right at the cactus, and then head for the butte. TR LOUD: Let's turn here and head for that butte, boys. Giddup!) And now today's exciting western adventure...... (MUSIC UNDER, CATTLE, HORSE WHINNY)
GK: Well, Dusty, might as well make camp here. Sun's going down. Horses are tired.
TR: Kind of hoping we'd make Yellow Gulch tonight. GK: I don't think so. I reckon it's still four, five miles up the trail.
TR: Hoping to find some good rotgut whiskey and a lonely woman desperate for amorous misadventure and lead her over the cliffs of passion onto the rocks of regret. (GEESE HONKING OVERHEAD) Goldanged geese.
GK: Silhouetted against the cerulean sky, a flock of geese
Flying low over the maple trees.
TR: What does cerulean mean?
GK: No idea. Just put it in this poem I'm writing.
TR: Well, thanks for not reading the whole thing.
GK:
The sun sets and the days keep getting shorter.
Like thinking you've got a dollar in your pocket but you've only got a quarter.
TR: Well, don't get yourself all worked up about mortality, Lefty. It happens to the best of us.
GK: Well, it's only a poem.
TR: My philosophy is: things just are what they are so get over it and make the best of it. (STRUM GUITAR) Oh for crying out loud.....You're going to sing?
GK: (SINGS)
So long, you geese, keep on flying
Fly on down to old Mexico.
So long, you geese, keep on flying
Get away from the ice and the snow.
Bidding Canada goodbye
Join the "V" up in the sky
Just because your DNA
Says it's time to go away.
So long, you geese, how I envy
Your freedom as you fly across the blue
I've tried to goose myself into escaping
But I don't have wings like you do.
(HE YODELS)
TR: You stop your yodelling or you're going to attract those geese down here and they'll make our campsite their toilet. Git!!! (HONK) Beat it, ya pesky varmint. (HONK) (THREE SHOTS, PAUSE, HONK)
MF (OFF): Hey!!!! Hold your fire!!!!
GK: There's a kid out there in the tall grass, Dusty!
TR: Well, I'll be----
GK: Come on in, kid. He won't hurt you.
(FOOTSTEPS, GRASS RUSTLING)
MF: You almost shot that goose back there, mister. Why? He didn't do anything to you.
TR: It's only a goose.
MF: "Only a goose!???" What kind of attitude is that?? He's a creature too. Just like you and me.
TR: Not just like you and me. Maybe more like me.
GK: Who are you, kid? Where you come from?
MF: I'm an orphan.
TR: Oh boy. Another orphan. Just our luck.
GK: Never mind him, kid. He's just cranky.
TR: Ride up the trail and camp for the night and who should come butting into the picture, but ---- an Orphan. Oh hand me the whiskey bottle.
MF: I can't help it that I'm an orphan. Please. Let me stay.
GK: What happened to your parents?
MF: Worried themselves to death.
TR: We don't keep anyone on who can't make themselves useful. What can you do?
MF: I can sing.
TR: Oh boy. Already got one of those. Can you cook?
MF: I can make toast.
TR: Ain't got a toaster. Can you fry up eggs and bacon?
MF: I can make fruit roll-ups.
TR: Where you going to get fruit roll-ups?
MF: In a package. Frozen.
TR: You see a freezer around here? You see a power outlet? No. Can you hunt?
MF: I'm a vegan.
TR: Oh boy. Can you ride a horse?
MF: I think so.
TR: How about you ride over there with Lefty and help him settle down the cattle?
(HORSES WHINNY)
GK: Just slip your foot in the stirrup like that, young 'un. There you go.
MF: What's the horse's name?
GK: Irving.
MF: Irving! You mean like the guy who wrote (SHE SINGS) There's no business like show business like no business-----(CATTLE)
GK: Easy, easy.....shhhhh......you're getting the cattle riled up there. Singing to cattle is different from singing to people. The aim is not to get them excited. It's the opposite. Okay? (HE SINGS, SOFTLY) THAT'S HOW BOYS LIKE COWBOYS MAKE NO NOISE AT NIGHT.....They ride around the herd and sort of promise
All the little calves and all their mamas
That if they will put on their pajamas
They'll get some honest to goodness breakfast at daylight. (COW MOOS) Easy, boss. Easy.
MF: So we're supposed to sing lullabies.
GK: Yeah, sort of.
MF: I hate lullabies. I never wanted to go to bed. Ever. I wanted to stay up late and not miss anything.
GK: Well, when you're older, you'll take a different view.
MF: I hope not.
GK: (HE SINGS)
Tumble in bed, my tired little old sleepyhead
The stars are in the sky.
Time that your prayers were said, my little sleepyhead
To a Prairie Lullaby.
Saddle up your pony the Sandman's here
To take you down the Trail of Dreams
Tumble in bed my tired little sleepyhead
To a Prairie Lullaby.
MF (LIGHT SNORING)
GK: She fell asleep. Well, I'll be....
(SINGS)
Time that your prayers were said, my little sleepyhead
To a Prairie Lullaby.
MF: Lord, send a car for me and take me to an airport. Please. Amen.
(THEME)
SS: The Lives of the Cowboys...brought to you by Old Faithful Hair Gel for men.......keeps your hair in place even when you're riding with the wind. (MOO)
(THEME OUT)