GK: Right after a word from our U.S. Postal Service. (BOUNCY THEME)
You've probably heard that our Postal Service is in serious financial trouble ---- because of e-mail and e-vites and e-cards, because of competition, because the Post Office is required to serve all Americans anywhere at equal cost.
And that's why, starting next week, the P.S. in Postal Service stands for Personal Service. We're going to start serving you better than ever----- like this-----
SS: Any mail for us today, Clint?
TR: No, just junk mail, Mrs. Twitchell.
SS: Oh. Okay. Clint?
TR: Yes?
SS: Could you take this casserole dish over to the Murchisons? I'll just put it into your mail bag there. Okay? Good. It's from our potluck last Friday. She made meatballs and she said, just return the dish when you're done with it, so here it is. All washed up and everything.
TR: Glad to.
GK: Starting Monday, your mail carrier won't be just delivering mail, he or she will provide all sorts of services--
TR: Here's Fifi, Mrs. Twitchell. (DOG BARKS) Walked her the whole route.
SS: Thanks, Clint. Oh, if you have a minute, could you tell me what's going on at the Murchisons?
TR: What's going on?
SS: Well, you deliver mail there every day ---- I thought maybe you know something about the----- you know-----
TR: You mean, about her and the handyman?
SS: Yes.
TR: Well, their letter box is right by the front door and every time I look in, she's giving him little shoulder rubs and running her fingers through his hair-----
SS: Really???
TR: Really.
GK: Starting next week, you get personal service from your mail carrier.
TR: You heard about the Postal Service lottery, right?
SS: No.
TR: You buy a whole sheet of First Class stamps and you look for the number on the back and every week you check the bulletin board at the post office and if your number is up, you can win up to a million dollars. It's called PowerStamp.
SS: Wow. That'd be great. A million bucks. ---- By the way, I'm always sad when fall comes because it means you don't wear your little shorts.
TR: Oh really?
SS: You have beautiful legs, Clint.
TR: Thank you, Emily.
SS: Emily----
TR: You don't mind if I call you Emily, do you?
SS: Not at all.
TR: I feel like I know you. I've been reading your mail for years now.
SS: I know you have, Clint. That's why I write postcards. Because I know you're reading them.
TR: You mean-----
SS: All those postcards from Eddie in Minneapolis?
TR: Yes?
SS: I wrote them myself just to make you jealous. And drove over to Minneapolis and mailed them.
TR: Oh Emily-----
SS: Clint-----
TR: Of all the women on my route, you are the only one who thrills me. And that's why, even though the Postal Service cancelled Saturday delivery, I still come on Saturday.
SS: Oh Clint-----
TR: You're not just a Postal Patron to me. You're not just "Occupant"------ you're Emily.
SS: Oh Clint-----
GK: Starting Monday, it's a whole new U.S. Postal Service.
TR (SINGS): U.S.P.S.
We deliver happiness.