(THEME)
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
GK: It was late April, and I was in St. Louis. I was working security for the Cardinals. It had been a long hard winter and the fans at Busch stadium were acting like teenagers. The head of security was a guy named George Bush.
TR (BUSH): It's just plain getting out of hand. We got evildoers. People bringing homemade beer in. Picnic baskets. Kielbasa. People taking off their clothes, you put the kiss cam on them and they go wild. So we need you as sort of a hall monitor. Okay. Not that we all haven't done crazy things in our day. Heh heh heh heh heh.
(BRIDGE)
GK: So, I sat up in the press box with a set of binoculars and I was assigned a partner, Lt. Helen Hooligan. (CROWD, VENDORS, OFF)
SS (TOUGH): I'm Hooligan. You can call me Lieutenant. And just because I'm a woman, don't get ideas. I know three ways to disable a man and I'm working on a fourth.
GK: I'm not even looking your way, Lieutenant.
SS (TOUGH): Well, if you did, you'd see I've got big red knuckles and I'm used to walloping guys who get fresh so don't try any funny stuff with me.
GK: I intend to be a model of professionalism, Lieutenant.
SS (TOUGH): Just because it's spring don't mean I tolerate any funny business.
GK: Okay. Let's go in. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPENS, CLOSES, TR, FN JOWLY MURMURING, CROWD, OFF)
TR (SPORTSCASTER): Lou Brewster here, the big red bird, perched up in the Redbird Roost here with my sidekick---
FN (GROWLY): Halsey (Holy Cow) Hall here, the face with the cigar, and it's a beautiful day for a ballgame.
TR (SPORTSCASTER): Fourth inning and this game is tight as a pair of skinny jeans on a rainy day. We've got Nick Punto up to bat and what could be worse than that?
FN (GROWLY): He's swatting at bees out there, Lou. And he's getting stung.
TR (SPORTSCASTER): The pitcher's throwing meatballs and Punto just cannot get his fork into the dinner.
(PITCH INTO CATCHERS MITT)
FN (UMPIRE, OFF): Strike two! (CROWD GROANS)
TR (SPORTSCASTER): Oh and he misses again.
SS (TOUGH): Something down in the Dugout box 183, see that woman, she's got her hand in his jacket.
GK: Probably just trying to keep warm.
SS (TOUGH): And I smell kielbasa. Somebody snuck in some kielbasa.
(CRACK OF BAT, CHEER, OFF)
TR (SPORTSCASTER, OFF): And he connects! Punto barely connects and he's moving the meat to first base and he makes it, by a cat hair! Holy moly get me the estrogen patch, I'm having hot flashes right now. (CROWD CHEERS) And now here comes Santa down the chimney, Matt Holiday is up to bat... hitting like magic after a recent vasectomy.
FN (GROWLY): Let's just hope he didn't get both of them done, Lou.
TR (SPORTSCASTER): I got no idea what you're talking about there. Matt Holiday at the plate. Punto on first. And the pitch...
(SFX PITCH, INTO CATCHERS MITT, OFF)
FN (UMPIRE, OFF): Strike 1!
TR (SPORTSCASTER): Wild pitch, in the dirt, and it goes down as a strike.
GK: Hey. Look. Bleachers. Tenth row. Deep right field.
SS (TOUGH): What is it?
GK: Somebody's got a fire going out there. In a grill.
SS (TOUGH): Barbecuing!!!! Man, if that don't take all.
GK: Excuse me, Lieutenant, but those dark clouds off to the north. I'm wondering if that isn't a tornado.
SS (TOUGH): Not my department, Noir. Keep your mind on business.
(THUNDER, UNDER)
TR (SPORTSCASTER): And Matt Holliday swings the big stick. (CRACK OF BAT, CHEEERS) And he drives it deep into left field, now here comes Allen Craig into home--Allen Craig, what is he doing out there? Allen Craig, supposedly out for two weeks with a groin pull, and now he's limping in to home.
FN (GROWLY, SMOKING): Never give up, Lou. Never ever ever ever give up.
TR (SPORTSCASTER): And here comes manager Tony La Rus--La Russ--La Russ (BIG SNEEZE).
(BALL THUMP, CROWD CHEERS)
FN (GROWLY): I just dropped my cigar. What happened?
TR (SPORTSCASTER): You mind not smoking that cigar around me---- (HE SNEEZES AGAIN) You see the No Smoking sign? --get that (SNEEZING FIT) Allergic--(SNEEZING)--cigar smoke
FN (GROWLY, SMOKING): I know this is gonna sound funny, Lou, but I just don't understand these pants that ballplayers wear now. They look like pajamas. You look out on the field and it looks like storytime. And the kiss cam ---- where'd that come from? People don't come to the ballpark to see couples kissing on a big screen!!! They come to see baseball.
SS (TOUGH): I don't believe it. Look----- down there behind third base. Those two, making out. Talk about inappropriate. She's got a lip lock on him ------ watch his hands---- watch his hands -----oh oh, she's going for his belt buckle.
GK: That sky looks awfully dark to me, Lieutenant. And the wind is picking up.
SS (TOUGH): I can't believe it. Look at them---- there is no shame------
TR (SPORTSCASTER): A mess out there on the field as Craig limps into home but two outs on the ----- on the----- on the----- (BIG SNEEZE, CRASH).
SS (TOUGH): Gimme the phone ---- I'm calling the ushers.
GK: We've got a major storm coming in, Lieutenant.
TR (SPORTSCASTER): Kyle Lohse is on the hill. He's looking at Molina and Molina is giving him the bunny ears. And the batter gives him lots of room. The pitch comes in. (THUMP) And it's a strike! And now the umpire is looking up at the sky.
(KISS CAM MUSIC)
CROWD: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
GK: What's going on? How come everybody's looking up here?
SS (TOUGH): We're on the kiss cam. You and me. On the JumboTron.
CROWD: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
SS (TOUGH): They want us to kiss.
GK: I get that.
SS (TOUGH): We look sort of stupid just sitting here looking at each other.
GK: I don't know. Maybe they're yelling at the people behind us.
SS (TOUGH): It's not. Come on, Noir. Pucker up.
GK: We're on duty.
SS (TOUGH): What you afraid of?
GK: I'm not afraid.
SS (TOUGH): You're acting like you don't like me or something.
CROWD: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! (TORNADO SIREN)
GK: What's that storm warning???
FN (GROWLY, ON SPEAKERS): Is that a funnel cloud, Lou?
(THUNDER, TORNADO SIREN)
TR (SPORTSCASTER): And now the sky to the northeast is looking awfully dark, Halsey, as Monroe comes to the plate and Molina looks in for the sign. And the umpires are calling time as the tornado cloud approaches from deep center, and (SHAKING, CRASHING OF PRESSBOX) ----- whoaaaaaa (CRASHING, GLASS BREAKAGE)
GK: Let's get out of here, Lieutenant.
SS (TOUGH): Okay, let's head out. (STORM, FOOTSTEPS, PUSHING THOUGH PEOPLE)
GK: Excuse me. Pardon me.
SS (TOUGH): Police. Coming through. Coming through.
(TORNADO SIREN)
GK: Nobody's getting up and running for the exits.
SS (TOUGH): Of course not. They're Cardinals fans.
(TORNADO SIREN)
SS (TOUGH): Look out there. Streaker. Right down center field. (CROWD REACTS). Go get him, Noir.
GK: Me???
SS (TOUGH): You.
GK: If he saw you running after him, he'd stop and wait.
SS (TOUGH): He's yours.
GK: Okay. (RUNNING) Tornado coming in. C'mon, sir. Down in the dugout! (FN WHOOP, OFF) Ooo. Cartwheel. Wow. He's fast. (FN WHOOPING) Look out, mister. There's a funnel cloud. (STORM) ---- (FOOTSTEPS RUNNING) A funnel cloud came down out of the sky just as I caught up with the streaker and picked him up off the ground as I jumped up and grabbed his ankles (FN CRY OF ALARM) and I flew along with him and up high over centerfield and we went round and round and round (STORM) and then we came back down to earth and I clamped the handcuffs on him and took him in (SFX) ----- meanwhile Lt. Hooligan had arrested the couple who was necking in the box seats. And the grounds crew came out and vacuumed up the water (SFX) and the game continued.
TR (SPORTSCASTER): Tyler Greene, stepping up for his slumpbuster. This kid needs to get it up and get it out of here, one dinger and he's riding the momentum train to 2012-ville.
(CRACK OF BAT, CHEERS)
TR (SPORTSCASTER): And it's up---This could be it, folks. Oh my gosh look at it go, and it's up there, it's way up there--- get up and get out of here folks it's gone! (FIREWORKS) And here are the fireworks, Tyler Greene hits a home run and the Cardinals win! Cardinals win!
(FIREWORKS, CHEERING)
(BRIDGE)
GK: So the Cards won. In a tornado. And sure enough I was on YouTube, flying through the air hanging onto the ankles of a naked man.
(PHONE RING, PICK UP)
SS: Guy, it's Mona. We spoke online, remember? We made a date for Sunday night?
GK: Oh right. Thirty-nine, blonde, loves outdoor activities. So what would you like to do Sunday night?
SS: Well, there's a problem. Somebody said they saw you on TV, kissing a woman at the ballpark.
GK: No, you don't understand.
SS: I mean, I'm happy for you. And it's nice you finally found someone.
GK: Mona----
SS: I was just hoping it could be me, but that's okay. I understand.
GK: Please let me explain.
SS: See you around, Guy.
GK: Mona----
SS: Good luck. Bye. (HANG UP)
GK: Spring. Easy to get carried away. Like a naked man in a tornado. I'm back on solid ground again. Unfortunately.
(THEME)
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME OUT)