GK: The beauty of radio is low production costs. Look at this. We can have two guys playing ping pong (SFX) as a giant meteoroid heading toward earth. (SFX) Touching off giant landslides (SFX) and tidal waves (SFX) and children in the woods trapped in quicksand-- (SUCKING, CRIES OF HELP) as giant buzzards circle overhead (SFX) and a Nazi submarine surfaces (KLAXON, GERMAN CRIES, PERISCOPE) and fires two torpedoes (SFX) toward the giant gas tanks (BIG EXPLOSIONS) -- (ONE LAST EXPLOSION) (ONE MORE LAST EXPLOSION) .......and a man on horseback (SFX) rides along the beach and pulls the kids out of the quicksand (SFX) as he fires a shoulder-mounted rocket (SFX) and blows the submarine up (SFX), the shock waves of which deflect the meteoroid so it lands in the ocean (SFX) and misses the guys playing ping-pong (SFX) -- what would cost $6,435,582 dollars to do in a movie, we can do it for pennies on the radio -- and send it to you in your home avoiding the overhead of movie theaters -- which means: 98% profits for us. That's why radio is booming and TV is fading fast. And that's why radio sound effects men like Tom Keith and Fred Newman are the most highly paid people in show business. Tom Keith works for two hours and drives away in his late-model Lamborghini (SFX) and Fred is picked up off the roof of the theater in a chopper (SFX) and taken to the airport where he boards a private jet (SFX)...
GK: ...that flies him to Santa Barbara as Tom Keith arrives in northern Minnesota and boards a 350-hp snowmobile (SFX) that gets up to 150 mph in the north woods, flying across frozen lakes and even lakes that aren't frozen (SFX) and over the wind-crusted snow as Fred in California relaxes in his pool with his dolphins (SFX) and dines on a rare form of kelp from the Rawalpindi archipelago that restores manly vigor and gives you the body of a 24-year-old (SFX) as Tom Keith enjoys hunting with his bird dog Everly (SFX) who flushes the pheasant (SFX, GUNSHOT) which Tom brings down with one shot and makes himself a pheasant smoothie (SFX) which restores manly vigor and gives you the body of a 25-year-old (SFX). Young, attractive, wealthy, the two sound-effects men lead lives of fabulous privilege while TV actors struggle to make their monthly rent and pay for their therapists.
How can you get into the lucrative field of radio sound effects? The Keith Newman School can teach you everything you need to know-- animals (COW, PIG, DOG, CAT, MOOSE), explosives (4 SFX), fast cars (2 SFX), horns (4 SFX), bottle opening (SFX), bodily sounds (3 SFX), and birds (3 SFX) -- everything you need to know. Do you have the innate talent to make it as a sound effects person? Let me hear you do a chicken? -- - Yes. (FN, TK: Beautiful. That was perfect. You've got what it takes.) -- Simply send 75 cents in coin to The Keith Newman School, Box 1958, Ansonia Station, The Keith Newman School, Box 1958, Ansonia Station, New York 24 N.Y. Attention: Miss Phelps.