GK: It's fall, and the geese are heading south (GEESE FLY OVER) and winter is coming. (WOLF HOWL) And it's time for you to winterize. Remember last year? (TR SHUDDER) When you forgot to insulate the upstairs pipes? Remember? (TR GROAN) Time to drain the hot water heater and clean it out (GURGLING) and put up the storm windows. You climb the ladder (SFX) holding the 50-pound glass storm window and you fasten the storm window to the window and ----- (TR GASP) ----it's your wife in the upstairs bedroom ---- (TR: Doris!) ---- and she's dancing in front of a mirror in her underwear (BURLESQUE DRUMS) ----- as if she's practicing for something----- (TR: Doris!)
SS (OFF, SULTRY, TO HERNANDO'S HIDEAWAY): Praise God.....from whom.....all blessings flow......praise him.....ye creatures......here below. Praise him.......above......ye heavenly host......I wish.....I was on the West Coast. Boom Boom.
GK: Your wife, the director of Christian education, practicing a striptease with a black bustier. You scramble down the ladder. (SFX) And dash in the house. (SFX) And there she is in the kitchen pulling a casserole out of the oven.
SS: Did you forget that Pastor Bloomquist is coming for
supper tonight?
TR: Tonight!!!!?????? Hide the liquor!
SS: Too late. Here he is.
TK: (JOWLY PASTORAL GIBBERISH)
TR: Pastor!
TK (JOWLY PASTORAL GIBBERISH)
TR: Good to see you! Welcome! This is not my bourbon, Pastor. I'm keeping this for a friend. He's trying to quit.
TK (JOWLY GIBBERISH)
SS: Come in, Pastor. Let's sit down and eat. Don, would you like to say grace?
TR: Me????????? How about we have a minute of silent prayer?
SS: Don-----
TR: Now I sit me down to eat,
Bless the veggies and the meat,
A piece of pie would sure be nice.
I pray I get the biggest slice. Amen.
TK (JOWLY GIBBERISH)
GK: You sit trying to make conversation with the man of God and outside the temperature is dropping (WIND BLOWS) and you can feel cold wind through the windows and you eat and Pastor Bloomquist finishes his second helping (TK SNARFLING, JOWLY GIBBERISH) and he excuses himself and goes upstairs to use the bathroom (SFX) and your wife glares at you-----
SS: When are you going to finish winterizing?
Remember last year? Remember?
TR: I'll take care of it. It's a simple matter of wrapping insulation around the upstairs pipes------
SS: Well, when are you going to get to it?
TR: I'll do it in the morning.
GK: And upstairs the toilet flushes. (TOILET FLUSHES), and Pastor Bloomquist comes back downstairs (FOOTSTEPS, JOWLY MUTTERS) and your wife gets out a Bible-----
SS: Don and I like to sit and read a chapter every night after supper, don't we, Don?
TR: We do???
GK: And that's when you hear something upstairs. (WOOD CREAKING, GROANING). Something in the ceiling. (GURGLING PIPES). It's the upstairs bathroom. (CEILING STRAINS). It sounds like the drain is blocked. And the ceiling is starting to sag. And water is starting to drip. Or something. (GURGLING, GROANING) And in comes the dog with a black bustier in his mouth (WOOF, TK GIBBERISH)
(THEME)
GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb Pie? Yes nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beboparebop Rhubarb Pie and Rhubarb Pie filling.
(SINGS)
Just one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought
ALL:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie