(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the
Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions... Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(PIANO)
GK: It was June and I was in California, Santa Barbara, where Los Angelenos go if they win the lottery, and I was called in by a man named Cappaletti----
FN: My family owns a very beautiful seaside estate in Santa Barbara, Mr. Noir, and this family of ignorant redneck trailer trash---- these savages ---- have moved in next door to us, and---- we need your help.
GK: I try not to get involved in disputes between neighbors ---- they make a Supreme Court confirmation look like a Sunday School picnic ---- but ----- how could I turn down a trip to Santa Barbara? (ROMANTIC MANDOLIN PULSATIONS) I'd met a girl in Santa Barbara once. She was riding down the beach (HORSE HOOVES ON SAND) on a Golden Palomino, riding into the surf (SURF, GULLS) and singing-----
(SS SINGS: Love your magic spell is everywhere,
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn Love your fragrance fills the evening air
GK: And on the memory of that song, (STING) I flew into Santa Barbara on Zodiac Airline----
TR (DOPER, INTERCOM): Hi. My name is Jeff and I'll be your pilot. Thank you for flying Zodiac.....where our aim is to change your view of time and space.n As you may have noticed, we are in a circular holding pattern over the coast for the simple reason that the 7th chakra of this aircraft needs re-alignment and there is a really really strong energy field at this particular polarity and so we are circling and drawing power from it and then we be landing....... (STING, BRIDGE)
GK: The Capalettis lived in an enormous castle on a cliff behind a high wall and a gate where door-to-door salesmen were buzzing their intercom-----
TR: Hi. Got some accessories for your Jaguar
SS:n How about some heirloom tomatoes?
FN: Hey hey hey. Need your pool cleaned?
GK And next door, in a similar castle, lived the Montagues, and you could tell from the barbed wire and the guard dogs (SFX) that there was a dispute. Both houses were built into the cliff and to somebody from the flatlands, the houses didn't look safe. There were boards nailed to the slope to keep it from sliding. And each house had an enormous helium balloon attached to the roof for additional support.
(BRIDGE)
GK: I went into town and I discovered that the Montagues had made their money as producers of Scottish hip-hop music. (HIP HOP BASS, THEN BAGPIPES), and every morning Mr. Montague went down to his wine cellars in the cave and tasted his wine----
TR (SCOT): Aye, laddie, aye wi' nae speak wha' I dinnae ken, and many a mickle maks a muckle and a wee doch'n dorris and hoo mu' wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood, hey?n And this is not a bad wine for a Scotsman, nae? I dinna think so.
GK: His winery was called Recuerdos de la Montecito and the Cappaletti family had a winery and theirs was called La bellezza del mattino di primavera, although they had made their money with a morning TV show called "Shame & Disgrace"----
FN (SLIMY): Today we're going to be talking with women whose families do not sit down to dinner, they stand at the kitchen counter and eat out of take-out containers, and also they're going to show us their cellulite.n Coming up later......(STING) -----
GK: Two families who'd earned hundreds of millions of dollars, appealing to base instincts, and now lived in neighboring castles on a cliff in Santa Barbara, and made wine, and one day the Montagues' castle slipped a little bit (GROANING OF HOUSE, SHIFTING. SCOTTISH ALARM) and they attached a chain to it (WORKMEN SHOUTS, BIG ENGINE) and towed it back about 15 inches (ROAR OF CRANE) and the Montagues accused the Cappalettis' peacock of pecking at the cantilevered columns beneath it (BIRD CRY) and the Montagues retaliated by playing Led Zeppelin (SFX) and the Cappalettis fought back with a laughing hyena (SFX) and the Montagues started drag-racing in their driveway (MOTOR ROAR, SQUEAL OF TIRES) and the Cappalettis bought a herd of bison (SFX) and meanwhile the Amtrak train from L.A. (SFX) was going by every day (TRAIN PASSING, CROSSING, DOPPLER) and that loosened the cliff a little and each day (SLIGHT CREAKING) the two great houses slid a few inches and bulldozers had to be brought in (SFX) and new helium balloons were tied to the roofs (BALLOON RIGGING) and finally the two castles had to be filled with helium themselves which meant that the Montagues and Cappalettis talked funny----
TR (HIGH VOICE): I'll stop it if he does.
FN (HIGH VOICE): The moment he stops, I will stop too.
TR (HIGH VOICE): As soon as he stops and apologizes, I'll forgive him.
FN (HIGH VOICE): I want an apology and I want him to pay my expenses.
GK: And they got so engrossed in their feud, it took them months to realize that their children were missing.
TR (HIGH VOICE): My Ronnie. He's run away.
FN (HIGH VOICE): Where's Julie?
GK: It happens so often that children of feuding families fall in love. Someone you disapprove of ---- your kid is going to be attracted to. I found Ronnie and Julie down in the wine caves. They had bonded.
SS (TEEN): It's ridiculous. I'm ashamed of them.
TR (TEEN): It's not your fault.
SS (TEEN): I just don't want anybody to think that I'm like that, just because I'm their daughter.
TR (TEEN): I don't. Think you're like that.
SS (TEEN): You don't?
TR (TEEN): I don't.n
SS (TEEN): Honest?
TR (TEEN): Honest.
SS (TEEN): They're so full of anger.
TR (TEEN): I know.
SS (TEEN): I don't think you're like your parents either.
TR (TEEN): Good. Because I'm not.
SS (TEEN): Maybe we were adopted.
TR (TEEN): Maybe.
SS (TEEN): They're full of anger and we're full of love.
TR (TEEN):n Right.
SS (TEEN): Oh Ronnie.
TR (TEEN): Oh Julie.n Marry me.
SS (TEEN): Sure. Why not? Wheeeee. But what about our parents? They'll have a fit.
TR (TEEN): We'll have to leave home and go somewhere where our parents will never think to look for us.
SS (TEEN): Minnesota.
TR (TEEN): Perfect. (BRIDGE)
GK: They were in the underground cavern, and somehow they raised the temperature down there to the point where the barrels started bursting their corks (SERIES OF EXPLOSIONS, WINE FLOWING) and the cave was knee-high in Chardonnay and the peacocks got into it (PEACOCK INTOX) and the bison (DRUNKEN BUFFALO) and they stampeded (SFX) and the ground shook and (CREAKING) suddenly two enormous castles became a reef. (LANDSLIDE)
nAnd there was nothing to be done. Ronnie and Julie had taken off in an old pickup truck (SFX) and the Montagues and the Cappalettis were left to ponder a bitter lesson: those whom you cannot tolerate may be the ones who will marry your children. n(STING, BRIDGE)
SS (DORIS): Hi there.
GK: Who're you?
SS (DORIS): (SINGS)
I'm a woman. W-o-m-a-n. Let me tell ya again.
I'm a woman...
W-O-M-A-N.
GK: What can I do for you?
SS (DORIS): I don't know. Surprise me.
GK: Why are you standing with your arm around me?
SS (DORIS): Because my parents were always afraid I'd take up with an older man. The May-December romance. They hated the idea. They made me promise to stay away from older men. And now I am older. And I find you irresistible. You big hunka burning love you. Kiss me, fool.
GK: I don't think so.n
SS (DORIS): I see thinning hair and a sagging chest and a pair of love handles, I get all excited.
GK: Gotta run. Sorry. (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) I headed for town and I could see the train was coming (WHISTLE) and I ran for the crossing and it's headlight was waving in the air and I could see the crossing arm start to come down and I put on a burst of speed and I made it---- (CROSSING BELLS) just as it went by. (TRAIN PASSING)
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.