GK: It has been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon. Especially quiet since extreme cold tends to stop sound waves. (SOUND OF SILENCE) Just the wind in the bare branches of the trees. A squirrel (SQUIRREL SHIVERING). An owl. (SFX) You wouldn't know about this, living in Tucson, but when you walk outdoors and it's 87 below zero, and you try to talk, your voice is small and thin due to your larynx clamping shut and your nasal passages. (FN SMALL THIN: Janice?? Janice?? Oh my gosh. I won't be able to sing in the choir anymore. I'm 45 and I've become a boy soprano. HE SINGS A HIGH "SANCTUS") The whole body sort of shrivels and tightens. Certain organs that a male uses on a daily basis shrink back up in the abdominal cavity (SFX) to protect your sperm, as if you had any interest in that, and it's hard to find them snuggled up next to the pancreas. (SFX) Anyway it's been really cold. Furnaces dying left and right (SFX) and hot-water heaters freezing up (SFX) and the repair people driving around trying to revive them with hairdryers (SFX) and outside, under the clothes dryer vent, raccoons crowded, trying to get warm. (SFX) It's cold. So all you Tucsonians, don't call up your relatives in Minnesota and ask them how they're doing. Don't ask. We've got caller ID and we're not going to take any calls from area code 520.