Doctor, doctor, I feel ill
First I'm hot and then I'm chilled
Heart is pounding like a pump
Little noises make me jump
Doctor smiled and shook his head
And this is what he said.

For what ails you there's no cure
You're a goner that's for sure
Nothing helps that I know of
You're in love

I came to the Mayo Clinic
A clinic that stands at the pinnac-
Le of the healing art
Sixteen doctors all took part
Tapped my knee and checked my pulse
Looked at all the test results

(They said) Maybe you just need some rest
Or we could call for other tests
But nothing helps that we know of
You're in love

I went to a gospel preacher
He said O you sinful creature
Standing in his gospel tent
He told me to repent
But a lady in a Cadillac
Was waiting for him out back

Preacher preacher not you too
Yes, he said, what can I do
Nothing helps that I know of
I'm so in love

I cut a hole in the ice
And I walked around it twice
Finally I jumped in
To cleanse myself of carnal sin
And a woman with no clothes
Slowly from the water rose

(She said) Cold stimulates libido
More than wine or a Mohito
That's the chance you take
Jumping in a lake

Love is the universal sport
The night is dark and life is short
The heart is open, always willing,
The touch of skin is so fulfilling
A man always feels the urge
Even in church

Darling when I look at you
There is nothing I can do
Nothing helps that I know of
I'm in love