GK: I'm spending Christmas in New York because people here have a good time with no apologies.(LIGHT CLINKING OF SILVERWARE ON CHINA) There's so little guilt in New York.

SS (ON PHONE): Listen. I know you're busy having a big time but I thought I should let you know that the poinsettia plant you sent Mom ---- A leaf from the poinsettia fell into her tossed salad and she ate it and she's in the hospital and they may have to operate. Don't worry, I'm here, taking care of her, so don't feel you have to come back, but I guess you forgot to mail that check to pay the premium on her medical insurance so anyway she's here at the welfare hospital at the poorhouse. And she's fine. So don't worry. Have a wonderful time.

GK: And that's why I'm in New York. Because New York is a happy place and there is no guilt and if you wanted, you could take a cruise to the Caribbean (BOAT HORN) and enjoy a week of sun (GULLS) and dance on a beach with your arms up over your head (CARIBBEAN STEEL DRUMS, CRIES OF GLEE) (BRIDGE) and nobody's going to pile a ton of guilt on you.

TR (MIDWEST): Boy ----- going to the Caribbean, huh? Quite the deal, I suppose. I'm busygoing around to rest homes and singing for them ----- I don't think I'd like the Caribbean anyway ----- what I love is to see the smiles on the faces of those elderly people who're just so darned grateful that somebody cares---- you know what I mean? (FADING)

GK: If you're in New York you can enjoy yourself and nobody holds it against you (CHAMPAGNE CORK POP, POURING, WHOOPEES) and you just have to be sure not to listen to voice mail.

SS: Hi. Just calling with an update, in case you're interested. Mom's got to have an eye operation, and in fact they're waiting for an eyeball donor to come in because they need to replace her left eye. It got eaten away by the salt in her tears. She's at the poorhouse now and she's okay, even though it's filthy and crowded, but now that she's in a coma, she isn't too aware of what's happening. But you have yourself a nice time and don't think about us. Bye. (DARK GUILT PIANO)

GK: In New York people have fun (BELLS RING, CHILDREN LAUGH) there's jolliness all around you, the happiness of clerks in stores (EAGER ELVES), the eggnog (GLUGGING), the elegant music (NEEDLE ON RECORD),


Minuit, chretiens, c'est l'heure solennelle
Ou l'Homme-Dieu descendit jusqu'a nous,
Pour effacer la tache originelle,
Et de son Pere arr&eater le courroux.
Le monde entier tressaille d'esperance,
A cette nuit qui lui donne un Sauveur.
Peuple, a genoux, attends ta delivrance
Noel ! Noel ! Voici le Redempteur!

GK: And if bad things happen---- if you forget that the goose is in the oven and the goose explodes (BIG JUICY EXPLOSION) you just get yourself in a taxi (TR FAST ARABIC) and you go to Laguardia and you go to the Holiday Airlines counter and you say, Fort Lauderdale.

FN: (DEEP) Gotcha. Cruise?

GK: Caribbean.

FN: First Class?

GK: Oh, I don't know. I shouldn't.

FN: Why not?

GK: You think I should? First class?

FN: I'd be personally offended if you didn't.

GK: Okay. For you I'll do it.