(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions -- Guy Noir, Private Eye --
(MUSIC)
GK: It was December, I was in New York, it was cold but I got a job delivering hot coffee, so it wasn't so bad. ---- Gotcher caramel latte with 2 percent and wheat germ right here, sir ---
TR (RICH GUY): Thank you very much.
GK: And he hands me a twenty. ---- You need change back?
TR (RICH GUY): No. That's yours. (BRIGHT CHORD)
GK: So Wall Street bounces back. An order comes from Goldman Sachs, you go after it.
SS: I thought I ordered a double mocha with sprinkles of gold dust.
GK: I'm gonna make it for you fresh, right here. (COFFEE GRINDER) There's the beans. Now comes the coffee. (ESPRESSO)
SS: Wowser. An espresso machine the size of a flashlight.
GK: And now the milk---- (SFX)
SS: And what about my persimmon scone?
GK: Gonna bake it for you fresh right here on your desk. (CLANK OF TRAY, OVEN DOOR CLOSE)
SS: What kind of butter?
GK: Whatever you'd like. I have my churn right here. (CHURN) (BRIDGE) It was through delivering coffee to brokerage houses that I got to know the Mayor.
TR (BLOOMBERG): Good morning. I am Mayor Mike Bloomberg and I am here for you. I am a mayor for all of New York and I invite you to share with me your concerns.
GK: It's Guy Noir, Mayor Bloomberg,
TR (BLOOMBERG): Oh, yes. What can I do for you today?
GK: Actually, I'm working for you, sir. You asked me to check into which employees at Bloomberg did not vote for you in November----
TR (BLOOMBERG): Oh, right.
GK: I have the names right here.
TR (BLOOMBERG): Tell me my girlfriend is not on the list.
GK: She is not on the list.
TR (BLOOMBERG): Thank you very much. (BRIDGE)
GK: Through my City Hall connections, I'd met some people who were going to set up a company to deliver fresh-made coffee and fresh-baked pastries and fresh-churned butter to Wall Street offices and suddenly I was looking success in the face----
TR (GODFATHER): I like you, Guy. You're my kind of a guy. You're not a wise guy. You're a guy's guy. And so I'm gonna give you a couple million and we're gonna do business together and I'll have you do a few things for me from time to time, okay?. (STING)
GK: It sounded good to me. Due to financial constraints, I'd been forced to take a sublet on a tenth-floor walk-up studio apartment on West 47th and get a roommate. A singer named Rick.
FN (SINGS):
START SPREADING THE CHEESE
I'M EATING TODAY
GIVE ME A TOASTED BAGEL,
GIVE ME A FORK----
I'D LIKE A CAMEMBERT
OR CHEDDAR, I DON'T CARE----
IT'S UP TO YOU, NEW YORK, NEW YORK----
GK: What you rehearsing for?
FN: Trade show.
GK: Cheese manufacturers?
FN: Bingo.
GK: Would you mind if I ask what the blue liquid is in the bathroom sink?
FN: It's hair coloring. I'm just wanting to get a little more intensity up there. Is there a problem?
GK: No, no. I'll just brush my teeth in the shower.
FN: Actually I'm using the shower to dry my underwear. (STING)
GK:. I didn't tell him that I was on the verge of a big deal. A couple million dollars would be about enough to purchase a one-bedroom apartment with track lighting and granite countertops and have enough left over for a pot and a pan.
(PHONE RING) (PICK UP)
GK: Yes?
SS: (VERY SHARP NY VOICE) Hello, is this Mr. Guy Noir?
GK: Yes, ma'am.
SS: My name is Laverne. I've got a situation.
Involving my husband, Mr. Bob Wilson. It's very important. Could you come right over? (STING, BRIDGE)
GK: It was a tiny apartment in a white brick building in the East 60s and Mr. Wilson was a small dapper man with a few wisps of hair combed over his bald spot. ---- My name is Guy Noir, Mr. Wilson. I'm a friend of your wife's.
TR: Oh. How is she? Haven't seen her for awhile.
GK: She's fine. A little concerned about you. ---- Mind if I come in?
TR: No. ----- (SLOW FOOTSTEPS) Watch your step there. ---- This way.
GK: I see you collect encyclopedias.
TR: Yes.
GK: Quite a few sets of encyclopedias here.
TR: Nine-hundred and fourteen. Just bought four more today.
GK: And you carried these up four flights of stairs----
TR: Me and my nephew Brendan.
GK: Nine-hundred and fourteen sets of encyclopedias is quite a few for a small one-bedroom apartment. No?
TR: Well, as they appreciate in value, I'm planning to sell some so I can move into a bigger apartment.
GK: You might want to consider selling a lot of them so you have room to walk in here.
TR: I've laid out paths. Here----- this is the trail to the bathroom. And here's the kitchen pathway. (MEOW) I'm going to sell these encyclopedias on eBay.
GK: Mr. Wilson, I take it, LaVerne has moved out.
TR: I think so.
GK: Where do you sleep?
TR: Up there.
GK: On top of the encyclopedias.
TR: Right. (MEOW)
GK: I see. LaVerne is concerned that the apartment is getting stuffed, Mr. Wilson, and in the event of an emergency, rescuers will be unable to get in and help you.
TR: Oh?
GK: You could be lying unconscious and they'd need a crane to get you out. You've made your apartment into a little cave.
TR: As soon as the economy improves, Mr. Noir, I'm going to get a very good price for these encyclopedias.
GK: Sir----
TR: Nobody is publishing these anymore. They've become rare books.
GK: They're rare because nobody uses them.
TR: I do.
GK: You use them to sleep on. (MEOW) Other people use the Internet to find out this stuff.
TR: Mr. Noir, people are always going to want to have books around. You can read anything you want to online but nobody KNOWS that you read it unless you have a book on a shelf in your house. People walk into your house and see your books and they can see you're a smart person with excellent taste. They don't get that from the fact you have a computer.
GK: So you think encyclopedias will become a decorator item----- interesting. (MEOW) How many cats do you have in here, Mr. Wilson?
TR: Four, I think. Maybe five. Plus the gerbils. They're here somewhere.
GK: It's none of my business but something smells bad from that corner over there.
TR: I don't smell it.
GK: I do. I think you might want to do some excavating.
(STING)
I headed back home where Rick was tousling his hair.
FN: (SINGS)
START SPREADING MANURE
START SPREADING THE HAY
I WANT TO GET A SHOVELFUL
AND THAT'S FOR SURE
I LOVE TO FERTILIZE
WITH GREAT BIG WET COWPIES
I TOSS THEM WITH A BIG HAY FORK.
GK: Another trade show?
FN: Organic Farmers convention. You think my hair is too silky? I mean, I'm going to be in bib overalls. I may have to color it darker. No?
GK: I don't mean to shock you, Rick, but I may be moving out soon. I've got a deal going involving some big bucks and I may need a little more room for myself.
FN: Hey, great. Me, too. I got my eye on a six-room apartment in the West 80s.
GK: Six? Wow.
FN: Yeah, the trade show biz is booming.
GK: Yeah, I am right on the verge of something major. Can't tell you the details, but ----- I'm shopping around for an apartment. High floor, nice views. (DREAM MUSIC) High floor, nice views. High floor, nice views. High floor, nice views. High floor, nice views.
SS (LANDLADY): Mr. Noir----- Mr. Noir------ wake up.
GK: Yeah? Who're you?
SS (LANDLADY): Juliette Binoche.
GK: Oh, Mrs. Santorini. The landlady.
SS (LANDLADY): Bingo. Guess what?
GK: You're here about the rent.
SS (LANDLADY): Righto. I'll wait here if you need to go down to an ATM machine. (BRIDGE)
GK: And then I remembered. I'd been downtown to see my patron the day before -----
TR (GODFATHER): I gotta go away for a couple years. I'll see you then, okay? You take care.
GK: You still interested in the coffee business?
TR (GODFATHER): Talk to Guido, okay?
FN (DEEP INCOMPREHENSIBLE)
GK: Guido----?
FN (DEEP INCOMPREHENSIBLE) (STING)
GK: And I came home and there was a copy of the Daily News and the headline ----- RUSSIAN TYCOON BUYS WILSON RARE ENCYCLOPEDIA COLLECTION FOR $6 MILLION. And the phone rang and it was Rick.
FN (SINGS, ON PHONE): Start spreading the news, I got on TV, I got my very own show ---- it's a reality-----
SS (LANDLADY): I'm waiting, Mr. Noir. Eleven hundred dollars.
GK: I'll just make a phone call, Ma'am.
SS (LANDLADY): I'm standing right here, waiting.
(PHONE RINGS AT OTHER END, CLICK)
GK: Mr. Wilson, I'm not sure you remember me, but I called to congratulate you, and if you need any security services in the future, I'm here. There's just a tiny tiny favor I'd like to ask -----
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions... Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)