GK:n I was getting ready to come to Des Moines this morning and got distracted listening to Gopher football......

TR:n (ANNOUNCER ON RADIO)n First and twenty-five on the Minnesota 15-yard line... ....Omega at quarterback ...having a rough day against Grinnell today -- six passes attempted, two complete, three incomplete and one interception ..... he looks toward the bench for the play.

FN: This Grinnell team is tough, Jack. No way around it.n For a team made up almost entirely of English majors, they're very physical, very aggressive, one might even say suicidal.n n


GK:n (ON MACHINE)n Sorry, I can't take your call right now.n Leave a message.n Thanks. (SFX:n BEEP)

SS:n (ON PHONE, LEAVING MESSAGE)n Carson.n We're outside in the van. There's a show today. Did you forget? We're tapping on the window. Wake up. n(CLICK)

TR:n (ANNOUNCER ON RADIO) Gophers down 15-3 here at Grinnell, as Omega comes up to the line. Checks his wide receiver, and (COUNT CADENCE, THEN GRUNTS OF LINEMEN) -- takes the ball over center, and he's fading back to pass......fading back.....(GRUNTING) fading back into his own end zone .......the Grinnell line is on him -- no, he slips away......and -- he has a wide0-open field, Tommy--

FN: Nobody between him and the goal line--

TR: But he's still fading back--

FN: What's going on?

TR: This is incredible.

(SFX:n PHONE RINGS.n RINGS AGAIN.n ANSWERING MACHINE PICKS UP.)n GK: Sorry, I can't take your call right now.n Leave a message.n Thanks. (SFX:n BEEP)

SS:n (ON PHONE, LEAVING MESSAGE) Carson, the plane boards in five minutes. We're all in the van. It's time to go. Where are you? Would you please pick up? (CLICK)

TR: And he's brought down at last in the end zone for a safety.

FN: Unbelievable, Jack.

TR: Wide-open field, easy touchdown, but he ran back into the arms of the enemy and instead of triumph, he found shame and humiliation.

FN: Kind of a pattern of behavior for Minnesotans, I'd say.

GK: Shame and humiliation-- O my gosh-- I'm late-- RUNNING FEET, PANIC-- I dashed upstairs, jumped in the shower-- (SFX) dried my hair (BLOWER) pulled on my clothes (SHOOP SHOOP SHOOP SHOOP) and my shoes (POP POP) looked for my billfold -- with my driver's license -- (RUMMAGING) looked in my sock drawer-- on my desk (JUNK SWEPT OFF) and in my pants pockets from yesterday (BIG RIP) -- looked in the kitchen (GLASS BREAKAGE) -- couldn't find it because I didn't have my glasses on--(CRASHING) didn't see that crystal vase-- (CRASH) -- the wine glasses (GLASS) -- the oil painting-- (RIP) the neighbor walked in--

nTR:n (very sincere) Do you feel like you really know me? Do I know you? I don't think so.

GK:n Got a plane to catch, Jeff. I don't have much time.

TR:n None of us have much time, pal. I'm just putting this out there:n you need a friend, I need a friend. So? here we are.n

GK: What do you think this is? a website? This is real life. (HORN HONK) There's my cab. (HONK) I'll be right there-- gotta catch a cab-- (TR EGYPTIAN OFF) Bye. (SFX:n FOOTSTEPS)n And I hightailed it inside and pushed the door open -- (ALARM) -- and set off my own burglar alarm -- (SIREN) and the cops came -- and I didn't have any identification and in a panic (RUNNING FEET) I took off down the street and they had a police dog with them (DOG, RUNNING FEET) and I headed down a dark alley and I called my wife but I just got her voice mail (SS: Hi. I'm busy. Quit bothering me. BEEP.) and they caught me. (COPS)

TR: Okay. Hands behind your back. Take it easy. You have the right to remain silent-- watch your head. (CAR PULLS AWAY, SIREN)

GK:n And off to the county jail I went.

FN: Here's some lunch for you, pal. (SLOPS)

GK: Thanks. --But where was my staff in the white van, waiting to take me to the airport. And then it came back to me, what they'd said a week ago.

SS:n You don't look well. I think you need a rest. A long rest. How about we get a substitute host for the next month--

GK:n And I turned on the radio and there it was--

TR (WELK): And a very good afternoon to you and welcome to A Prairie Home Companion. Oh boy. I have listened to this show since I was a little boy and I am just so happy to be here. Okay then. Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of a rhubarb pie?


Just one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is home-made rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.


Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.nnnn