SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS...brought to you by Dried Beef Bookmarks, the edible bookmark for readers who want more. And now today's exciting adventure. (HORSES, SLOW WALK, CATTLE)

GK: Git! Haw. Git along there. If we can just keep 'em movin, Dusty, we can make Yellow Gulch by nightfall and maybe get us a room at the hotel.

TR: And I can get me a stool at the Silver Dollar Saloon and practice my social skills among the young and susceptible.

GK: Thank goodness we got out of Minnesota when we did, Dusty. Winter was about to descend. We coulda been trapped there for months and forced to adapt. Live in a state where exuberance is not tolerated and romance is not allowed.

TR: Warning signs everywhere you look. No whooping. No spitting. No firearms allowed in this church. Where would the Christian religion be without firearms, Lefty?

GK: Good question.

TR: If our ancestors hadn't had guns, we'd all be dancing in a circle and worshipping the Great Spirit. You think those Ojibway woulda become Episcopalian unless somebody put a gun to their head? Huh?

GK: Unlikely.

TR: No sir! Everytime I leave Minnesota, I just feel high-spirited! (GUNSHOTS. WHOOPS.)


GK: Who's that?


TR: Well lookit there. A great big old bus. Stuck in the sand.

GK: And a woman in black with eyeliner. (HORSES. THEY DISMOUNT. FOOTSTEPS)

TR: Afternoon, m'am. What brings you out to the old Chisholm Trail?

SS: Wow. Chisholm Trail. You guys are really cowboys, aren't you?

GK: Used to be, anyway. Now we just do it out of habit. Who're you?

SS: The name's Salome. Salome Olson.

GK: Pleased to meet you. I'm Lefty, he's Dusty. Looks like you lost your way. Nearest road is ten miles east of here. Where you headed for?

SS: Denver.

GK: You're nowhere near Denver. Let's take a look at your engine. (SLOW CREAKING OF HOOD OPENING)

SS: I ran over a boulder back there and knocked a hole in the radiator and she overheated.

TR: I'm overheating a little myself-- you an entertainer?

SS: I was the lead singer with the Raging Iguanas. And then a band called Igneous Religion. For awhile we called ourselves U2, just to see if anybody would notice. Wore colored glasses and did benefits for world peace and so forth and nobody noticed.

GK: What sort of music did you play?

SS: Horror punk.

GK: And what was that like?

SS: Well, we wore a lot of eyeliner. You can never use too much eyeliner.

GK: What about the music?

SS: We screamed a lot and there was a lot of distortion.

GK: But you earned money from it.

SS: People liked it. Some people. Misfits. Sociopaths. Quiet well-behaved teenagers who stayed in their rooms and wrote weird things in their journals that nobody knew about until it was introduced as evidence at the trial.

GK: How'd you get into horror punk?

SS: My dad left his LPs in the back window of his car and they warped and cracked. And that's how I learned the songs. (SHE SINGS, WAVERING OFF-KEY, WITH CLICKS):

See them tumbling down
Pledging their love to the ground
Lonely but free I'll be found
Drifting along with the tumbling tumbleweeds.

TR: I hope you don't mind me sayin'. That is pitiful.

GK: What a tragic story.

SS: And that's how I got into horror punk. By listening to warped LPs when I was a child.

GK: I'm sure there's some sort of therapy a person can get for that. Music is the best therapy they say. Try this --


As I walked out in the streets of the radio
As I walked out in the radio one day,
I met an old cowpoke who taught me to yodel
And I stood there and yodeled my troubles away.


I was a punkster and wore my eyeliner
Except in the summer when I was hiphop
Except on weekends when I was Alternative
But now when I yodel I cannot stop.

GK: This is starting to sound good, you know that?


My car broke down way out on the prairie
Far away from either coast
I thought I was stranded but then I discovered
This little song that I love the most.


A beautiful song of utter simplicity
Is all you need to have a good time
Oh nothings so good as iambic pentameter
And what a pleasure when the lines rhyme.


You don't need monitors, microphones, mixing boards.
No need to ride around on a bus.
All that you need is some friends and a campfire
And you can all sing along with us.

SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS... brought to you by Santa Fe Brand E-Z Ride Saddles. With the inflatable ring to make those last few miles easier. (MUSIC OUT)