TR (ANNC): And now. From the hushed reading room of the Herndon County Library, we bring you. Ruth Harrison, Reference Librarian. (SS FOOTSTEPS)

SS: Almost closing time, Trent. And my fabulous weekend starts, the weekend I go to Washington and visit-- the Library of Congress.

TR (TEEN): Wow. Awesome.

SS: Thirty-two million books. Largest library in the world.The rare book collection is beyond compare. Everytime I go, I get inspired to keep fighting the good fight to bring learning and literature to Herndon County.

TR (TEEN): Awesome.

SS: Stop saying "awesome" Trent. It's an overused word and it makes you sound like a fool.

TR (TEEN): Okay. Whatever.

SS: I'm leaving tonight, and I'm coming back on Tuesday. What are you doing this weekend?

TR (TEEN): I'm going to a stock car race, me and some buddies. (A BEAT)

SS: Oh.

TR (TEEN): Getting a motel room, six of us, eat cheeseburgers, watch the races, meet some girls and stuff.

SS: You enjoy watching cars go around and around and around?

TR (TEEN): Sure. Why not? (FADING) I'll just be over by the computers if you need me.

SS: Unlikely, Trent, but thank you anyway. (FOOTSTEPS OFF, SS SIGH, UNDER, STAMPING). Two years he's been an intern and he still hasn't picked up the love of books. Oh dear. Let it go, Ruth, let it go.


GK: Excuse me.

SS: Yes? May I help you sir?

GK: I'm doing a little research on female tree vampires, and I'm wondering where your vampire section would be.

SS: We don't have any vampire section, per se.
GK: Oh. Okay. Never mind.

SS: They might be under mythological creatures, or folk tales, or primitive superstitions--

GK: It's okay. Never mind.

SS: What is this for, sir, if I may ask?

GK: I'm a writer. It's for a book. Never mind. I can see you're closing--

SS: Wait a second. You're not'You're Gaylord Coronado. Author of the Dark Aorta Vampire Novels.


GK: Yes, that's me.

SS: I read your latest, Midnight Palpitations. I don't usually like genre fiction, but you-- your book thrilled me in ways I'm embarrassed to admit.

GK: Thank you very much, I think.

SS: So you're writing about female tree vampires now--

GK: Yes. Attractive young women who roam through the woods and prey on writers sitting in lonely cabins at writers' colonies who are struggling with postmodernism and then there's a flutter of wings and a little sting on the jugular and suddenly they're writing romance. Women in translucent white nightgowns standing on balconies in the moonlight.

SS: The sort of writing that English majors are carefully trained to avoid.

GK: Exactly.

SS: And how did you get started writing vampire novels?

GK: Come with me to the woods and maybe I'll tell you.

SS: What? Me? But we only met. You don't even know me.

GK: I would get to know you.

SS: (HEARTBEAT) My, for a writer, you're a rather rugged man, aren't you? I never knew a writer would have such -- pectorals.

GK: It comes from using a manual typewriter. And from drinking out of the bottle.

SS: You live out there-- alone?
GK: Just me and an Underwood typewriter and a hundred cans of chili and two gallons of sourmash bourbon.

SS: Amazing. And you sit there and write book after book after book after book.

GK: Come and watch me, I'll show you how. You'll be my muse.

SS: Well I'm flattered, but--

GK: Ruth Harrison. The name sings. It goes with your beautiful eyes.

SS: Please don't. (HEARTBEAT) Please stop. Please. No more. Don't. Oh----

GK: Come with me Ruth. There's wireless internet -- (PAUSE.....WAIT FOR JOKE)

SS: It's not dial-up?

GK: Real men have wireless.

SS: Open connection or locked?

GK: Come here and I'll tell you my password.

SS: But what if--

GK: What if what?

SS: What if I fell madly wildly in love with you and I could never return to my life as a reference librarian?

GK: That's a chance you'd have to take.


SS: -I had planned to go to the Library of Congress.

GK: We'll make a congress of our own.

SS: But if I fell wildly madly in love with you, I might never visit their rare book collection ever again....

GK: Life is full of choices. I hope you choose to live every day to the fullest.

SS: I don't know.

GK: Your choice.


TR (TEEN): Okay, Miss Harrison, I got all the computers shut down, so I guess I'll be-- oh-- sorry.

SS: What are you staring at, Trent? Have you never seen a woman in the arms of a handsome man before? A man whom she realizes may be the love of her life and yet she does have all these other plans?

TR (TEEN): Not in the library I haven't.

SS: So what should I do, Trent? Do I choose a wild love affair or shall I remain true to my life plan?

TR (TEEN): Knowing you, I think you're going to stick with the plan.

SS: Oh Mr. Coronado-- how about I go to the Library of Congress and let you know on Tuesday?

GK: If that's your decision, Ruth, I won't try to dissuade you. I'd marry you in a heartbeat, but you want to say it's over, then it's over Goodbye.

SS: Oh dear. I forgot to get his address. (FOOTSTEPS FAST, DOOR OPEN) Mr. Coronado??? Mr. Coronado?? Where did he go? -- Oh why didn't I seize love when I had the chance?

TR (ANNC): This has been another thrilling episode of Ruth Harrison, Reference Librarian.