SS (ANNC): The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Cowboy Dirt Bags. (SWEEPING) Just sweet up dirt and put it in a Cowboy Dirt Bag. It's biodegradable. Because it's made from dirt. And now, the Lives of the Cowboys. (COWS, HORSES, TRAFFIC)
GK: Well, here we are, Dusty. Manhattan. Madison Square Garden is right up there on 34th .
SS (NY): Excuse me-- gentlemen--
GK: Yes--
SS (NY): Are these your cows?
TR:: Yeah--
SS (NY): And have you paid the livestock surcharge to the City of New York?
GK: What's that?
SS (NY): Mayor Bloomberg has introduced congestion pricing for cattle. Six dollars per head.
GK: Six dollars per head?
SS (NY): That's what I said.
GK: But ma'am, we've got three hundred cattle here for the show at Madison Square Garden--
SS (NY): I don't make the rules, I just enforce them.
TR:: I don't believe it. Did you say six dollars per head?
SS (JERSEY): Parla inglese? Sexto dollare per Holsteino.
GK: Okay. I hope you take IOUs. (BRIDGE)
GK: Sure is exciting for us to be in a Wild West show with the great singing cowboy Roy Costello.
TR:: We've been to see all his movies-- --Moonlight On The River Colorado---- --Down By the Old Rio Grande----
GK: Love the way he hides in the limbs of trees and when the outlaws ride underneath he drops down on them.
TR:: We tried that and sat in a tree and never saw anybody ride by who you'd want to jump down on.
SS: Excuse me-- Mr. Costello is wondering if one of you would sing with him.
GK: I think that'd be possible.
SS: Good. One more thing-- Mr. Costello has a thing about cleanliness and he is extremely sensitive to spitting.
GK: That's fine.
SS: He gets extremely upset when he sees someone chew tobacco or spit. And he also cannot stand to hear the word --sorry--.
GK: No --sorry--.
SS: None. No apologies. Okay-- He's in his trailer now if you'd like to go rehearse a song with him.
GK: Okay. I'm there. (FOOTSTEPS) (KNOCK)
EC (INSIDE): Who's there?
GK: Lefty. I'm your new duet partner. (DOOR OPEN)
EC: Oh. Come on in.
GK: Thanks. (FOOTSTEPS) Nice trailer. Nice pictures. Hey. You on a horse, I see. Looks like the Grand Tetons.
EC: Yeah. I lived out there in Wyoming for the past four years. I was a fugitive. Lived in a hunting shack up in the hills.
GK: So you were on the run from the law?
EC: I was on the run from public acclaim.
GK: Oh?
EC: For three years in a row, I was named the Sexiest Man In America.
GK: I see. By whom?
EC: Thousands of women of all walks of life.
GK: Interesting.
EC: It made my life a living hell.
GK: I would imagine it would be a sort of honor--
EC: You ever walk down the street and have women throwing themselves at you? Large women?
GK: Well, I've been out on the range for awhile. A woman would have to throw herself a long way.
EC: It was disgusting. I felt dirty. A sex object. Felt used. So I went to Wyoming and lived in the hills. And then I went hunting with Dick Cheney. Kind of an impulsive guy when he gets a few beers in him.
GK: I've heard that.
EC: He was going for a grouse that flew up from a bush and he turned and shot me in the face. I used to have more hair than this.
GK: I see the pellet marks.
EC: Anyway, what with the hair loss and the pellet marks, I was no longer one of America's Sexiest Men.
GK: Okay.
EC: And I came back to New York, and got hired for the Wild West show.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
SS: Roy'we're all set up now for the night herding scene. We've got the lights all set and the cactuses in place and the stagecoach and if you could come along--
GK: I thought he and I were going to rehearse--
SS: It's only yodeling. No need for rehearsal.
(FOOTSTEPS, HORSE PASSES) Watch your step there. (FOOTSTEPS, HORSE WHINNYING) And here are some of the other cowboys who'll be in the scene--
TR: (JOHN): Mr. Costello, I'm honored to be doing this show as the head wrangler. I like your work and I like what you stand for.
EC: Thank you--
TR: (KIRK): And I'm here as the deeply troubled cowboy who's out on the range trying to lose the memory of a love that was lost.
FN (DEEP): And I'll be playing the psychotic cowboy in case you were wondering.
SS: Okay, places please. You three are over there by the hay bales and Mr. Lefty you're there. Okay? (HAWK SPIT)
EC: Who did that? (COLD SILENCE) I said who did that? (REVOLVER HAMMER CLICK AND CYLINDER SPIN) Who spat on the floor?
TR: (KIRK): That was me, I'm afraid. I'm just nervous. It won't happen again.
EC: I hope not. Anybody else who spits -- that's it-- I'm out of here. And I mean it.
SS: Okay, okay, okay. Let me describe the scene. The lights come up and the cattle are down at that end -- And the fire is blazing and the sparks rising and we see the stars in the sky and -- cue the coyotes. (COYOTE CHOIR) And up there on that butte -- where's the butte? (VOICES OFF) Move the butte in.
FN (OFF): What butte?
SS: The butte!
FN (OFF): You mean, the butt?
SS: It's pronounced butte.
FN (OFF): You mean this big flat rock sort of a thing?
SS: That's it.
FN (OFF): We call this a butt.
SS: It's a butte.
FN (OFF): Around here it's called a butt.
SS: Okay. Move the butt then. (RUMBLING) And atop the butte, or butt, is a lone Indian chanting to his tom-tom. (DRUM, CHANTING) Very good. And Roy is standing by the campfire, playing his guitar. (S
TR:UM)
EC: You want me with my foot up on a stump?
SS: Good. And your sidekick Lefty is there.
GK: Okay. (FOOTSTEPS. BWANG) Whoops. Sorry.
EC: What'd you say???
GK: Oh. Sorry.
EC: (JAW CLENCHING ANGER)
GK: Oh. Forgot. Sorry.
EC: Did you explain the rules to him?
SS: I did. Mr. Lefty, Roy does not want to hear the word you just said. The S-word.
EC: I grew up among apologetic mealy-mouthed people who walked around wringing their hands and being self-effacing and whingeing and that's why I left and came to America. It's a place where nobody says they're sorry. So don't. What you're supposed to say is, --Get over it.-- Okay?
GK: Okay.
EC: Remember that.
GK: I will.
EC: Because it really really really irks me. It drives me up a wall. It makes me mad.
GK: Get over it.
EC: Thank you.
SS: Okay. So you and Roy are standing by the campfire and singing a song to the herd and young Scarlett rides up on her pinto pony and she's heard your singing and -- where's young Scarlett?
FN (OFF): She's all set.
SS: Okay. Good. And she dismounts and then you sing to her. Okay-- cue the coyotes (SFX), and the cattle (SFX), and the Indian on the butt. (SFX) And-- action--
(STRUMMING)
EC (SINGS, TO --I RIDE AN OLD PAINT--):
I am an old cowboy, who sleeps on the ground
I can shoot straighter than anyone around
I eat when I'm hungry, I drink when I'm dry
And I do not eat tofu, I don't even try.
(w GK) YODEL
I am a cowboy, and a marksman, and scout
And feelings are something I don't talk about
I look at the world with a skeptical eye
And I do not eat salads for fear I would die.
(w GK YODEL)
SS: Good. Good. Good. Okay-- Cue Scarlett!
FN (OFF): She's coming around the butt.
(HORSE HOOVES APPROACH)
HM: Oh wow. -- I'm not alone out here on the dusty godforsaken plains. -- I have a cowboy to protect me.
EC: Oh my god, kid ... you're the most beautiful woman I've laid eyes on. Come, let us yodel together?
HM: (SINGS)
I am a cowgirl of THE Wild West
I can shoot straight if I'm put to the test.
I don't care for men. They bore me. It's true.
But I might make an exception for you.
HM & EC (YODEL)
EC: That was pretty good yodeling, kid.
HM: Thanks. I don't know why but yodeling makes my mouth water. (SHE HAWKS AND SPITS) Something wrong?
EC: Nope.
HM: You just looked at me sort of strange.
EC: Sorry.
HM: I love your work, Mr. Costello.
EC (SINGS):
Just call me Roy or call me Gene.
Or call me sweetheart, if that's what you mean.
HM (SINGS):
My love for you is sudden and total.
EC (SINGS):
Likewise, I'm sure, so come let us yodel.
(HM & EC YODEL)
GK: Well, that was the romance that broke up the show. Me and Dusty sold off the herd at a loss and our horses too and got on a plane back to Texas. (JET INTERIOR, PEOPLE PASSING)
TR:: Don't care much for air travel, to be frank.
GK: Well, there's a discomfort bag in the seat pocket.
TR:: I don't think it's big enough.
GK: Take a pill.
TR:: What I need is a drink and a cigarette.
GK: No smoking, Dusty.
TR:: I can go in the lavatory.
GK: Disabling a smoke detector is a federal offense, Dusty. There are men in Leavenworth today for taking the batteries out of smoke detectors.
(P.A. FN PUFFS INTO MIC)
FN: Welcome to Mustang Airline. This is your pilot, Buck Leonard. No co-pilot today, he had a hangover. Just me. Our flying time to Houston will be just under three hours and we'll be flying at an altitude of 36,000 feet. Unless I see some coyotes down there. In which case, hang onto your hats. Meanwhile, I'm gonna open up a Lone Star beer (POP TOP) and let's have us a ride. EEEEE HAW.
GK: Sounds like we're going back to Texas.
(THEME)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS ... brought to you by Cowboy Dirt Bags. They're biodegradable...because they're made from dirt.