(THEME)
TR:: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions ... Guy Noir, Private Eye.
GK: It was April and spring had finally landed after a few false alarms and people were feeling their oats. People were out walking in the park (WHISTLING, FOOTSTEPS), looking out for the rollerbladers (ROLLERBLADER WHIZZES PAST WALKER), who were looking out for the cyclists (CYCLIST WHIZZES PAST), who were looking out for the bikers (HARLEY PASSES) and out on the lake in Central Park, lovers in rowboats were enjoying a little private conversation in the big city.
(ROWING)
SS: I'm pregnant, Russ.
FN: What?
SS: It's yours.
FN: What? But we only ever--
SS: I know, but we did. And it's yours.
FN: But I thought you--
SS: You said it wasn't necessary.
FN: I did?
SS: You said that your-- you know-- weren't good swimmers.
FN: Guess I was wrong.
SS: Anyway, I'm moving in with you. Tomorrow.
FN: Oh boy.
SS: And I lost my job. Yesterday.
FN: Oh no.
SS: So I don't have insurance.
FN: Oh my gosh.
(ROWING)
SS: And my daddy is rather upset.
FN: Oh?
TR: (GODFATHER): I'm right behind you, Freddie.
(GUN COCKS)
FN: Mr. Donatelli?
TR: (GODFATHER): I treated you like family. And now you do this to me. How could you do this?
FN: We got carried away. I'm sorry.
SS: I love him, Papa.
TR: (GODFATHER): He's nothing but a tailor. A tailor!
FN: I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.
TR: (GODFATHER): Sorry. Sorry? That makes up for everything? You disgrace my family? I don't like this. I don't like the lack of respect. (GUNSHOT, DUCK FLIES OFF)
FN: Please. I'll do anything you say.
TR: (GODFATHER): Good. Make me a couple pair of pants.
FN: You want new pants?
TR: (GODFATHER): And not so loose in the crotch.
FN: You want me to take in the inseam?
TR: (GODFATHER): Not so baggy. Okay? I'm not a hip hop guy.
FN: Okay. (BRIDGE)
GK: I was in New York, trying to get by on whatever work I could get. I wasn't particular. During the day I worked security at the public library. Nights, I was available for whatever came my way.
EC: My name is Powell, Mr. Noir. Major Qwertyuiop Powell, M.B.E., R.P.M., P.D.Q.
GK: Qwertyuiop. Interesting name. How do you spell it?
EC: Q-w-e-r-t-y-u-i-o-p.
GK: The top row of keys on the typewriter.
EC: I am an author.
GK: I can tell by your accent. Oxford?
EC: Indeed. I read classics. Daddy was the Earl of Twickerham. I grew up in the family country estate, Chiggers.
GK: I see.
EC: I wrote a memoir called Twilight at Chiggers.
GK: Somehow I missed that.
EC: I'll send you a copy. More if you like.
GK: One would be great.
EC: I've come on a book tour to promote it, but now I got here and I fell in love with an American.
GK: Interesting.
EC: I heard her sing on the radio.
GK: Uh huh.
EC: Listen to this. I got it on tape. (CLICK, ORGAN UP TO PITCH)
HEATHER SINGS:
Big Pink, the protein drink
Have a glass
And you will kick ass
(CLICK)
EC: Beautiful. So direct. And yet there's a sensitivity. Isn't there? Hear it?
GK: It's a woman singing a jingle---
EC: No, there's more to it than that. There's an aggressive susceptibility. A sort of primitive animalistic vulnerability. Listen. (CLICK, GUITAR UP TO PITCH)
HEATHER SINGS:
When you're out to dance or dine
Your teeth will shine
With Thompson Tooth Tinsel. (CLICK)
EC: There's voluptuous necessity. A sense of dynamic indeterminacy in that voice that excites me way deep down where I've never been excited before.
GK: Who is she?
EC: That's what I want you to find out. I'll pay anything. Get me her now. I want to marry her and take her back to Chiggers. (STING, BRIDGE)
GK: I headed for the library to go online and Google the Thompson Tooth Tinsel commercial. My job at the New York Public Library involved patrolling its vast underground stacks.
SS: People go down there and sing and dance. I want you to kick em out. And post signs, --No singing and dancing in the library.--
GK: Okay.
SS: People come to the library to read and do research -- they have a right to expect peace and quiet! People need privacy! And privacy means quiet!!!!
FN (OFF): Shhhhhh.
SS: Sorry. I just feel very very strongly about this. The world is full of noise and commotion and there needs to be a place, other than church, where you can find absolute quiet. Like this. Listen to it. It's beautiful. (SILENT PAUSE, THEN A QUIET FART) Sir?
TR: (BRIT): Who? Me?
SS: Was that you?
TR: (BRIT): I beg your pardon!
SS: One more of those and I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
TR: (BRIT): I don't know what you're talking about. (LOUDER FART) Oh dear.
SS: Out! Out! (FN OFF: SHHHHHH) (BRIDGE)
GK: So I took the little elevator down (SFX) deep into the library stacks (DOORS OPEN) (SLOW FOOTSTEPS) Millions and millions of books going on for blocks. So much human knowledge and insight -- sitting there -- waiting for someone to open it up ---
(OFF)
FN (SINGING):
You are my desire.
You light my heart on fire.
I don't even know your name.
I just know that you have lit a flame.
And I'm burning ...
Burning ... (FALSETTO) BURNING ...
GK: Excuse me, sir.
FN: OH! Wow. You startled me.
GK: No singing in the stacks, sir. Especially not songs about fire, okay?
FN: Okay. Sorry. (FOOTSTEPS, HE FADES) I'll find some other place.
GK: It was April and it was quiet a hundred feet down below street level and I guess some people-- (SITAR) ...
Excuse me.
TR: (INDIAN, SINGS):
There were birds on the hill,
But I never heard them singing.
No I never heard them at all,
Til there was you.
Oh, I am very very sorry.
GK: Okay, but it's a library, okay? Take it someplace else. (FOOTSTEPS)
TR: (INDIAN): Yes, I know. Very sorry. Very sorry.
GK: There is a nice acoustic down here in the stacks. Old books absorb sound. You can go off in one of these little alcoves and sing and nobody can hear you until they're right on top of you.
HM (SINGING):
It's now. It's new. It's what's happening.
It's fresh. It's the smell of spring.
Just shake the can gently and spray
And you have Elysee
Room freshener.
Oh. Hi. Just looking for a book. Singing to myself.
GK: Do I know you?
HM: Uh--- well-- I don't think so.
GK: Okay. Anyway. This is a library. Okay? No singing.
(FOOTSTEPS) I walked along and found some people asleep in alcoves. Some people had sort of made little nests in there. I let that go. -- Hello? Can I help you?
TR: (VAMPIRE): I'm looking for a book about garlic.
GK: A cookbook?
TR: (VAMPIRE): No. A book that tells me how to deactivate garlic.
GK: You don't like garlic, I take it.
TR: (VAMPIRE): I stay away from it, yes.
GK: So what's the problem?
TR: (VAMPIRE): Sometimes I am suddenly confronted with garlic and I need to know how to deal with it.
GK: Deal with it how?
TR: (VAMPIRE): Never mind. Don't worry about it. I can find it myself.
GK: You look awfully pale, mister. Are you all right?
TR: (VAMPIRE): It's a library. Everybody looks pale.
GK: What's your name?
TR: (VAMPIRE): Johnson. Vlad Johnson.
GK: Vlad, huh? Interesting name.
TR: (VAMPIRE): My ancestors were Eastern European.
GK: And are they still living?
TR: (VAMPIRE): All of them, yes. Every single one.
GK: Well you've got good genes then.
TR: (VAMPIRE): It's in the blood.
GK: I must say, your eyes -- there's something rather intense in your gaze.
TR: (VAMPIRE): And does that bother you?
GK: Yes. Excuse me--- (FOOTSTEPS)
TR: (VAMPIRE): Wait. Come back. We should be friends ... (FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE)
GK: I walked on and then I heard that woman's voice again. The woman I'd just told not to.
HM (SINGING w/PIANO):
If you have trouble passing water,
Can't pass water like you oughter
And you don't know what to do
Ask your doctor to recommend
Flo-Through.
It's your prostate's new best friend.
Flo-Through
A new sensation
In urination.
(FAST FOOTSTEPS)
GK: Okay. That's it. I warned you once.
EC: Hello?
GK: Oh, it's a tape.
EC: Yes of course it's a tape, you ninny. Have you found her yet?
GK: Wait a minute'that's the woman--
EC: What-- you found her?
GK: Yes. Moments ago. She was just down the aisle from here. Let's go-- (FAST RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, THEN STOP)
FN: (SINGING) I'm burning ... burning....(FALSETTO) BURNING ...
GK: Maybe she's down here. Come on. (FAST RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) (STOP) (SITAR)
TR: (INDIAN, SINGS):
And there was music
And there were wonderful roses,
They tell me--
GK: This way. (FAST RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) (STOP)
TR: (VAMPIRE): Who is there? Oh no!
GK: Hi, Vlad. Did a young woman come through here?
TR: (VAMPIRE): A young woman? Oh boy.
(VAMP SCREECH)
(STING, BRIDGE)
(TRAFFIC PASSING, VOICES PASSING)
GK: Well, I'm sorry I couldn't find her, Major Powell.
EC: Call me Qwertyuiop. Please.
GK: But I promise I'll keep looking.
EC: What did she look like--
GK: Well, she was tall, she had dark hair, her face--
EC: No, don't tell me. I don't want to know.
GK: I thought you wanted to know.
EC: I think I'd rather keep her as a vision. A mystery. Like Dante had his Beatrice and Petrarch had his Laura and Shakespeare his Dark Lady. I'll have her. The Flo-Through Lady.
GK: Okay.
EC: A man needs a little mystery in his life. We can't analyze and label everything. And there's nothing so mysterious as love. (HE SIGHS)
HM (SINGS):
If you don't know what to do
Try Flo-through.
EC: Uh where is the-- you know--
GK: The convenience--
EC: The loo--
GK: Down that way. First door to your right.
(THEME)
EC: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions ... Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME)