MB (ANNC): And now, it's time for: Carson Wyler, Man of Adventure. (WOLF HOWL) Daring to go where no man has gone before. (PLANE DIVING) Off to the far corners of the earth -- by horseback (HORSE), by camel (CAMEL), and by snowmobile (SFX) along with his androgynous sidekick, Gene. Join us now for Carson Wyler, Man of Adventure. (BLIZZARD)
GK: It's right through here, Jean. The great Frozen Volcano of the Arctic I can feel it under the snow.
(SKIS)
SS (GENE): I know you don't want me to say this, but this is just plain foolhardy to come this far away from civilization, no radio, no first-aid kit--
GK: I need adventure, Gene, I'm testing myself against the unknown. Central heating has made Minnesotans soft, Gene. Look up there. Deadly snow cougars, Gene. (SNARL, OFF). A rare Arctic predator. They're watching us every second. You're not careful they drop on your head and put you in a death roll faster that you can say boo.
SS (GENE): I honestly don't know what we're hoping to achieve here on the frozen wastes of the Arctic tundra, Mr. Wyler.
(SKIING)
GK: We're pushing ourselves, Gene. Life is a struggle against adversity. Man was meant to grapple with problems.
SS (GENE): But what about me? I suffer from chronic androgyny. I don't know if I'm a man or a woman.
GK: I can't help you there. All I know is that when life gets too easy, we get soft inside and we never reach our full potential. (EARTH GROANING) The Frozen Tundra Volcano. Hear it?
SS (GENE): Okay -- but if I'm a woman, maybe I'd rather not do things that might dry out my skin.
GK: We don't go back, Gene. We only go forward. It's the Adventurer's Creed.
(BUBBLING, STEAM)
SS (GENE): Whoa. Is that--
GK: That's it Gene. It's the tundra volcano. Steam coming up from the deep fissure in the glacier.
SS (GENE): Oh my gosh. We found it. I'll take a picture-
GK: Take the lens cap off first, Gene.
SS (GENE): Oh. Whoops'sorry. Stand right there, Mr. Wyler. Take your hat off. Here-- let me brush your hair back.
GK: What are you doing, Gene?
SS: Brushing your hair back. You have beautiful hair. I know I shouldn't say it. But I just can't keep my hands off it.
GK: I thought you were androgynous.
SS: I thought I was too. But -- now-- I don't know.
(WOLF OFF)
GK: Well, what do you feel you are? A man or a woman?
SS: Well, sometimes I feel this tremendous urge to have beer for breakfast. But I don't know. How is a man supposed to feel?
GK: Sort of depressed. Worried. Hollow. Feeling you're trying to be something you're not, basically.
SS: Well, maybe I'm a woman then. I feel a strong urge to take care of you and keep you from harm.
GK: Interesting. Anyway. Time's a-wasting. Let's pull up our boots and let's go! (BRIDGE)
(WIND, WALRUSES, OFF, FOOTSTEPS ON SNOW)
GK: There it is, Gene. The Great Snow Walrus Colony. I knew it was around here.
(WALRUSES, OFF)
SS (GENE): I hate to say this -- I know you're going to laugh at me -- but look at those enormous white male walruses. With their enormous tusks. They could tear us to ribbons.
GK: Danger is what life is about, Gene. Without danger we are nothing. We are marshmallows, dissolving in a cup of hot chocolate.
SS (GENE): I know I shouldn't say this, Mr. Wyler, but up here along with you in the frozen north, I feel like a marshmallow. When I look at you asleep on the ground. It stirs something deep within me.
GK: I had no idea, Gene.
SS (GENE): But during the day when you're awake and upright, I feel revulsion toward you.
GK: We're not here to talk about feelings, Gene, we're here to live boldly and triumph over adversity.
SS (GENE): Speak for yourself.
GK: Got your camera?
SS (GENE): It's right here. Just have to take off the lens cap for a second (STRUGGLING, WALRUS WARNING)
GK: Look out. That walrus is attacking. (HE FIGHTS WALRUS) Do you have the gun, Gene?
SS: It's an endangered specie--
GK: Well, it's endangering me right now. (WALRUS)
SS: You look like you're doing okay--
GK: Get the gun, Gene. (WALRUS) I'm in trouble here, Gene.
SS (GENE): If you were looking at me, would you think I'm a man or a woman?
GK: Let me get back to you on that later-- (WALRUS)
SS: Look at me.
GK: I can't. I'm busy.
SS: Look at me and tell me what you feel.
GK: Gene, I've got my hands full here. (WALRUS)
SS: I want you to love me, whoever I am.
GK: Actually, Gene, I'd rather wait till the verdict comes in on this gender thing.
SS: Tell me you love me and I'll shoot that walrus.
GK: Gene! Gene, love cannot be forced, it has to flow freely from the human heart.
SS (GENE): Then I guess you've never heard about marriage--
(GK GRAPPLES WITH WALRUS, WHO RETREATS YELPING)
GK: There. I handled that walrus and now I hate to say this, Gene, but there is another snow cougar getting ready to jump down on you and get you in a death roll.
SS (GENE): If you think I'm going to fall for that deadly snow cougar joke, you're crazy. I may be confused about gender but I ain't stupid. (COUGAR JUMPS)
GK: No joke, Gene. (COUGAR, SS BATTLE) Cover your head. Slide away, Gene. Slide away. (GUNSHOT) There. You all right?
SS (HIGHER VOICE): I guess so. Looks like you shot that cougar right in the left nostril.
GK: Well, that's where you have to shoot em.
SS (HIGHER): That's a tough shot, Mr. Wyler. Cougar rolling around in the snow and you hit him right in the shnozzolal.
GK: Well, you have to be able to handle a gun if you're going to be out on the frontier, Gene. You okay?
SS (HIGHER): I feel different.
GK: You look different.
SS (HIGHER): How do I look?
GK: I shouldn't say this but -- I don't know how to put it--
SS (HIGHER): You're attracted to me, aren't you.
GK: We're on an expedition, Gene.
SS (HIGHER): We're on the greatest expedition that a man and a woman can go on, Mr. Wyler.
GK: What in the world are you referring to, Gene?
SS (HIGHER): Come here and I'll show you. (THEME)
MB: Carson Wyler, Man of Adventure. (WOLF HOWL) Traversing the frontiers of human experience, daring to go where no man has gone before. (PLANE DIVING) (THEME UP)