(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions -- Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(PIANO)
GK: It was January and it was cold. You walked outdoors and right away you shrink two sizes. Your heart says Whoa. Your eyes water and pretty soon there's ice on them. Your nose runs and then that freezes. You're walking crouched down so you won't fall and that makes you look like a Stone Age man. Or an Ice Age man. It's not elegant. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Yeah. Come in, the door's open. (DOOR OPEN) (FOOTSTEPS)
SS (LOUD): Mr. Noir?
GK: Yes--
SS (LOUD): I'm Elaine Wright. We spoke on the phone.
GK: Right. Have a seat.
SS (LOUD): Thanks.
GK: And this was in reference to your husband.
SS (LOUD): Right.
GK: Before we go any further-- could you lower your voice a little?
SS (LOUD): I'm sorry. I'm used to having to talk over the TV.
GK: Okay.
SS: You talk in a normal voice in my house, you're invisible.
GK: Appreciate that. What can I do for you?
SS: I want to dump my husband but not until I find a new one.
GK: I see.
SS: So I'm looking for a single mature male in his forties who's uninterested in football.
GK: I see.
SS: My husband has been stuck to a TV since August. He follows NFL, college football, women's football, indoor football, men talking about football...it's a disease.
GK: I see, so you want a man who's sensitive, caring, more into long walks and music...
GK: You try marriage counseling?
SS: Twice. My lawyer's coming over on Sunday.
GK: Oh?
SS: He's going to sit down on the sofa next to Bob and in the third quarter, he's going to hand Bob the divorce settlement and a ballpoint pen and tell him to sign it.
GK: Uh huh.
SS: Monday morning, Bob's going to be a homeless person.
GK: I see.
SS: I'll put his stuff in a grocery cart and send him downtown.
GK: Kind of harsh, don't you think?
SS: A woman's got to do what a woman's got to do. I want a husband, not an irritating roommate.
GK: Okay, but if you're looking for a new man, why not just go online? why hire a private eye?
SS: Men are devious, Mr. Noir. They pretend to be normal, but you get them home and out of the crate and they turn out to need a lot of assembling.
GK: So you say you want maturity-- what does that mean?
SS: It means no jokes about farting.
GK: Uh huh.
SS: So many men maintain an interest in flatulence on up into their fifties and sixties. What women lose interest in around the age of eleven, men continue to think is the funniest thing in the world. -- I hope you're not one of those--
GK: Me? No. Not at all.
SS: I went to dinner with a friend of mine and her husband told some jokes about farting, or what he considered jokes, and he almost lost control. I thought he was having a heart attack. He fell on the floor and lay there quivering.
GK: Jokes about farting--
SS: Yes. Why do farts smell bad?
GK: why?
SS: So deaf people can enjoy them too. How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? If she farts, her ankles swell.
GK: Not that funny.
SS: What did the maxi-pad say to the fart? You are the wind beneath my wings.
GK: I see what you mean.
SS: Why do men fart more than women? Because women don't stop talking long enough to let the pressure build up.
GK: Not that funny.
SS: I thought he was going to go into cardiac arrest.
GK: So you want a man who's mature and what else?
SS: I want a man who can listen to the radio. Who isn't obsessed with the screen. You watch television, Mr. Noir?
GK: Haven't for years. Ever since Dragnet went off.
SS: You smoke?
GK: I have a cigar everytime I come out ahead at the racetrack, so it's been awhile.
SS: You drink?
GK: I came home from dinner one night with my pocket full of creme brulee and I took a vacation from alcohol.
SS: Are you in therapy, Mr. Noir?
GK: My therapy is the study of human nature.
SS: Do you prefer men or women?
GK: Ma'am, I have wasted a good deal of my life with dishonest and boring men, but I have never regretted a single moment spent with a beautiful woman, and I have yet to meet one who was not beautiful.
(PAUSE)
SS: Marry me.
GK: Ma'am--
SS: I know I seem cold and judgemental, but that's because I'm talking about my soon-to-be ex-husband. Otherwise I'm a very passionate woman. And as of Sunday, a homeowner.
GK: Ma'am--
SS: Monday morning, come to my house and we'll light a fire that will never end.
GK: Sounds nice, but there's one problem.
SS: What is it????
GK: Perhaps you've noticed how carefully I have steered the conversation away from the subject of nasal mucous.
SS: You have?
GK: Any time nasal mucous enters into a conversation, I lose control of myself. And I listen to the radio but I am addicted to the music of Wagner.
SS: I'm sorry to hear this.
GK: There's a radio and I feel an overpowering urge to -- (CLICK) (MARIA & CHRISTINA: VALKYRIE CHORUS FRAGMENT. CLICK OFF) I'm a Wagnerphile. It's a burden I've carried all my life.
SS: Maybe I can help you.
GK: A man has to face this problem alone.
SS: You're going to let Wagner and boogers come between us?
GK: Nasal mucous may be ho-hum to you, but to me it's snot. Meanwhile, I'll look for a man for you.
SS: Thanks. And if you change your mind -- you have my number.
GK: I do indeed. (BRIDGE) I headed over to the Five Spot and walked in (JINGLE, DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE) -- hey Jimmy, how's it going?
TR: Not bad, Guy. How's yourself?
GK: About the same.
TR: Sorry to hear that. Sit down, take a load off.
Bring you the usual?
GK: Yeah.
TR: Okay. One sarsaparilla coming up. (FOUNTAIN)
GK: Met a woman today, she asked me to marry her.
TR: Is that right?
GK: Probably not but she asked me anyway. Very nice woman.
TR: So-- what'd you say?
GK: She had a little cornflake on her lower lip in the corner of her mouth.
TR: Didja say something?
GK: No, of course not. You point out a thing like that to women, they get furious.
TR: Yeah.
GK: You see a lot of that with women nowadays.
TR: Cornflake on the face--
GK: Yeah.
TR: I guess they must eat breakfast in a hurry.
GK: Beautiful women, nice clothes, nice hair, makeup, lipstick, and there in the corner is a cornflake.
TR: Well, it's always something, isn't it.
GK: That's right. It's always something.
(MUSIC)
SS: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions, Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)