GK: A cold front moves down from Manitoba into northern Minnesota (WIND, WOLF HOWL), and an even colder front behind it that snaps tall trees in two (SNAP, TREE FALLING, CRUNCHING, BIG THUD) -- and then a glacier races south (SFX) and carves out a whole new set of lakes (SFX) and as the lakes are formed, men drive out on them in their pickups (SFX) and drill holes with augers (SFX) and start to fish (REEL). Northern Minnesota -- it's a whole other country.It's a place where every man carries a chainsaw.

GK: Most Americans know little about northern Minnesota because the only documentaries filmed here were filmed in July.


TR (ANNC): The land of lakes--.northern Minnesota. (LOON CALL) The sun sets in the pines as Timmy and his grandpa head for home with a big stringer of walleye. ( BRIDGE)

GK: The National Geographic sent a photographer up here years ago in September just as winter was starting and he holed up in a hunting shack and they found him in the spring -- he'd gone batty. (TK BERSERK). He was eating bats, pulling them down from the rafters (BAT SQUEAKS) and eating them like fresh fruit (BIG BITE, CRUNCH OF SMALL BONES). He never recovered his sanity. Fortunately he was a photographer so it didn't matter.
What's it like in the North Woods in winter? The owls sit in their nests and their teeth chatter (SFX). Cougars lie with their arms around each other. (SFX) Even the wolves are shivering (HOWL). And also the abominable snowman.

TR (OGRE): I had to come to the North Woods because of stereotyping. I was marginalized by the term "Abominable Snowman" -- we tried to introduce the term Snowman Who Just Happens to Have A Lot of Hair, but they just kept on abominating us, so we came up here.

GK: And there are witches in the woods, who live deep in caves in the winter, stirring big pots of mysterious brew--(BUBBLING POT)

GK: The witch used to live in New Orleans but there were too many of them there so she came north, along with her life partner, the vampire.

TR (VAMPIRE): I'm a recovering vampire. I'm in treatment. I've been off blood for thirty days. I go to a vampire group -- we say the Vampire Prayer. --God grant me the opportunity to eat the things that grow in the ground; the courage to not eat the things that walk and talk and wear clothing; and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

GK: Other monstrous creatures live in the North Woods -- werewolves (HOWL) and zombies (ZOMBIE MUTTERING) and old Gestapo guys (TR GERMAN) and old serial killers --

TR (PETER LORRE): You're afraid of me, aren't you. I can see you're afraid. Look-- your hand is trembling.

GK: And Dr. Strangelove -- (TR SELLERS:Mein Fuehrer), and once in a while you will stumble on a remote cabin inhabited by former quiz show hosts --

TR (ANNC): For the Amana kitchen range, tell me-- who was the actress who played this famous TV role-- TR (EDITH): Archie, get your big feet off the table-- we have guests.

GK: People with issues, people with social problems -- they are sent up here to the north because as we all know Cold Keeps People In Line. Warm weather is an invitation to bad behavior -- we know this -- (SS SOUTHERN: Hi mister? Care for a glass of sloe gin? Mind if I take this fur coat off and make myself comfortable? Oh my. I forgot to put clothes on. Oh well.)

Cold is good for your character. It's the Spartan philosophy and it works. You go through a hard winter and starting your car (SFX) and fending off mad dog attacks (SFX) and breaking up antique furniture for firewood (SFX) and it's so cold that windows break (SFX) and truckers break down sobbing (TR SFX) and you have to put whiskey in your coffee to keep it from freezing (SFX) and forest rangers go around in caves and put thermal quilts over the bears (BEAR SNORING) -- It changes you.

TR (VAMPIRE): I no longer wish to drink blood. I want to help others. I like to volunteer at a blood bank.

GK: Change you can believe in. The north woods. Come up here, you'll never be the same again. (CHORUS OF HOWLS)