TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir, Private Eye.


GK: It was the day after Christmas and I was starting to come out of the Christmas blues which I got . Thanks to the fact that Christmas was over and also an antidepressant I bought from a street vendor in Times Square--

FN (MAURICE): Hey you. Man with the long poochy face and the droopy pants-- hey Mr. Sadsack--

GK: You talking to me?

FN (MAURICE): Hey, got something for you here. Check this out. It's called Boo Juice. Made from Caribou antlers. Put it on your pancakes in the morning, cheers you right up. Look at me. I use it every day. (SINGS) I used to have the blues and now I don't. I'm very happy but I don't feel stoned. I am at peace and I'm productive too. Thanks to the mighty Caribou. (BRIDGE)

GK: I bought it and put it in my coffee and who knows if it worked or not because pretty soon I got busy and there wasn't time to be depressed. (PHONE RING, PICKUP) Yeah Noir here.
ER: Mr. Noir-I am calling you from Newark Airport where I am being held at gunpoint in the women's toilet.

GK: Is this a joke?

ER: I thought it was and then she pulled the gun out of her knapsack and forced me into this stall and told me that if I tried to leave, she would shoot me in the kneecap and I would never ever do yoga again.

GK: This is someone you know?

ER: It's my daughter. She tied my hands and feet with a nylon stocking. I'm lying on my side on the floor. I managed to dial your number using my front teeth.

GK: What set her off?

ER: I don't know. She came home from college and we were on our way to Miami for a little family reunion and I asked her if she'd found a job and suddenly she slammed me up against the wall and put a pistol in my face.


GK: Christmas is a stressful time. People who love each other but don't know each other get together and try to get close and the results can be violent.

GK: In Chicago they have a special section of O'Hare for people who don't want to go home for Christmas. They push big mountains of snow around it and people spend a few days in there, snowbound, and it's nice. Restaurants, good coffee, plenty to read, and cushions to sleep on. And nobody at the airport asks you why you haven't written or called in the past six months.


GK: I didn't go to my sister Georgina's for Christmas. I went to a diner in New York instead.

TR (ITALIAN): Hey, what you want, what you want you gonna take all day?

GK: I'm still reading the menu.

TR (ITALIAN): What? C'mon, I ain't got all day.

GK: Okay, but you got a problem: pancakes and falafel and steak and greek salad matza ball soup and turkey artichoke sandwich and 185 other things all on the same menu-

TR (ITALIAN): You got a problem with that?

GK: Just seems like a small kitchen back there, is all.

TR (ITALIAN): Don't worry about it- Just order okay? Unless you want a knuckle sandwich-

GK: Hey, just calm down--

TR (ITALIAN): (ITALIAN GIBBERISH, OFF) You giving me a hard time? Who are you? Mr. Big Shot- come in here and give me a hard time?


SS (ITALIAN): What is the problem, Rico? Why the yelling? I gotta headache.

TR (ITALIAN): He doesn't like the menu, mama.

SS (ITALIAN): What's wrong with the menu?

GK: It's so big. I kind of can't believe you have all this food back there.

SS (ITALIAN): We give you everything. For you-everything. Everything we give you and you hate us for it.


FN (ITALIAN): What did you do to my mama? Don't you see how her legs hurt her?

TR (ITALIAN): He insulted her menu. He thinks it's too long.

FN (ITALIAN): Too long. We go all out and that's the thanks we get?

GK: Oh boy.

SS (ITALIAN): You are so ungrateful. So so ungrateful (SOBS) Breaks my heart.

FN: Just decide.

GK: I can't.

SS (ITALIAN): You're breaking my heart'I go kill myself now.

GK: Meatball sandwich or sushi. It's a strange choice is all.

TR (ITALIAN): Okay enough of you. Get out of my house.

GK: It's a restaurant.

FN (ITALIAN): Now he's talking back.

TR (ITALIAN): Get out. Out!


GK: I will-

SS (ITALIAN): Go My life is ruined. You spit on me.

GK: Okay- BLT.

SS (ITALIAN): Where were you brought up? You are a disgrace.

GK: So, it was more like family than if I'd gone home. 2009. A whole new year. Things could be different this year. They sure could. Why not?


TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir, private Eye.