TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir, Private Eye.


GK: It was December, and the first Christmas cards were starting to arrive, (OPENING MAIL). Happy Holidays from Gary's Plaid Pants Warehouse. (OPENING MAIL) Merry Christmas from Danny's Deli. With a little envelope in which to show your gratitude for a year of service. Season's Greetings from the Five Spot, Amber and Bambi wish you a festive and meaningful holiday of your choice. Thank you, girls. I don't go in much for Christmas. I haven't sent out Christmas cards for about 20 years. I just have a hard time wishing people joy who I know perfectly well joy is not something they know the words to. Wishing them joy is like wishing a fish could fly. --(PHONE RINGS) Yeah Guy Noir here--

SS (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, my name is Harriet Shank, and I am worried sick about my daughter.

GK: Just take it easy ma'am-

SS (ON PHONE): Bill, are you on the other line?


SS (ON PHONE): You tell him, Bill. I'm too upset. (SOBS ON PHONE, OFF)

GK: Where is your daughter?

TR (ON PHONE): New York.

GK: The city?

TR (ON PHONE): Yeah. Majoring in theater at NYU.

SS (ON PHONE): But now we don't know where she is, Mr. Noir'it's been days--

GK: She's probably just busy--

SS (ON PHONE): It's not like her, Mr. Noir. Usually she emails'We keep leaving voice mail messages.

TR (ON PHONE): We're paying a lot of tuition so if she's dropped out, I'd like to know it.

SS (ON PHONE): Could you fly out to New York, Mr. Noir, and see if she's okay? (BRIDGE)

GK: Never one to turn down a free trip to New York, I didn't argue, and that afternoon I was aboard the no-frills airline Derry Air (JET) (TR IRISH ON PA: Now we go over the safety equipment'in the event of an emergency, a flask of whiskey will drop from the panels over your heads, pull the whiskey toward you and drink fast... if you are seated next to a child, drink your own whiskey first before drinking the child's.) I arrived in New York. Hung around Washington Square Park near NYU, looking for a blonde co-ed named Kaylee. (FOOTSTEPS, BIRDS)

FN: Smoke smoke smoke smoke smoke--

GK: No thanks. (FOOTSTEPS) Always a lot going on in this little park. (FOOTSTEPS)


TR (SINGS): Where have all the hippies gone, To the suburbs every one, when will they all return, when will they all return. ...(COIN DROPS) Thank you--


FN: Yo yo we are the Bronx Bouncers and we're gonna do a little break dancing for you, you ready? (BIG CHEER) Yo kick it (RAP MUSIC UP, CROWD REACTS, UP AND DOWN, FOOTSTEPS, MUSIC RECEDES, BIRDS)

GK: I walked around awhile and then I saw her. She was sitting in a Starbucks at a laptop and talking on the phone. (FOOTSTEPS) (PASSING PEDESTRIAN VOICES AND DOGS UNDER FOLLOWING...)

SS (YOUNG, OFF): I know. I so totally know. I am so into exchange traded credits, ETCs, And I am like up by about a hundred fifty grand in the past twenty minutes--


GK: Excuse me--

SS (YOUNG): Sorry, Ashley? Can I call you back? Yeah. (HANGUP) What?

GK: Kaylee?

SS (YOUNG): Yeah? Do I know you?

GK: The name's Noir. I'm a detective.

SS (YOUNG): Why are you following me? My parents sent you, didn't they.

GK: Your parents just want to know you're all right.

SS (YOUNG): So I'm all right.

GK: What are you up to, Kaylee?
SS (YOUNG): Look. I don't have a lot of time. I am busy trading online.

GK: Trading securities?

SS (YOUNG): Trading swap options.

GK: What are those?

SS (YOUNG): Oh wow. You are really not into financials, are you.

GK: No.

SS (YOUNG): Well, let's just say this, Mr. Noir. I met a guy who explained the logarithims of futures to me and I stopped going to class last week and since then I've earned six-point-three million dollars sitting at this laptop. (CLICKS) Wait a minute. CLICKS) Make that six-point eight million. I just wired my parents two-hundred grand to cover my college tuition and today I'm looking at a six-room apartment on Fifth Avenue and 88th. Pre-war co-op. That's my story. What else can I do for you?

GK: Should I send my bill to you or to them?

SS (YOUNG): How much?

GK: Couple grand.

SS (YOUNG): Shoot. There goes my wireless signal.

GK: You're piggybacking on an anonymous signal?

SS (YOUNG): I like to live on the edge. Here's your two grand. (SHE QUICKLY DEALS OFF TWENTY BILLS). (BRIDGE)

GK: So I phoned the Shanks and told them Kaylee was okay, and they thanked me, and that was that. And -- (FOOTSTEPS) I was in New York with some money in my pocket. Two-thousand, you could spend that in a day, but I was careful. (FOOTSTEPS) I love this city. Walking through Central Park (SQUIRREL) and the apartment towers beyond the trees and the bikers going by (BIKE) and the roller bladers (SFX) and the runners (SFX) and that tide of yellow taxis in rush hour (HORNS)-- the constant coming and going -- motion everywhere-- (CHOPPER OVERHEAD, OFF) -- and underground the rumble of the subway and you go down the stairs (SFX) and through the turnstile (SFX) -- and there it is, the downtown train, doors open, (STEPS) and you step in and (VOICES) there are your fellow New Yorkers all observing subway courtesy -- and the panhandlers making their way from car to car-- (SHAKING CHANGE IN STYROFOAM CUP)

FN (ANGRY): Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to disturb you people, but I need your help, I am with WNYC, your listener-supported station, and we need your support to pay for programming. Nickel, dime, penny, quarter, anything helps.


GK: I wanted to stick around in the city, so I went to the Chandler Detective Agency in the Greybar Building near Grand Central -- a place where the visiting gumshoe can pick up freelance jobs. (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE)

TR: Hey, Guy. How's it going? Long time no see.

GK: How you doing, Ray?

TR: Business is lousy, Guy. You'd think I had a contagious disease. My bank account is so overdrawn, the canary died a long time ago. But I got a very nice job for you, Guy. Got a client and what he wants to know is when will his grandma die?

GK: I beg your pardon?

TR: His grandma is living in a six-room apartment on Fifth Avenue, nice view of the Park. Rent-controlled. Two-hundred-seventy-five dollars a month. The grandson wants to know how long the old lady has left until she kicks off and he can move in.
GK: A death watch, huh?

TR: In New York, it's all about apartments, Guy. (BRIDGE)

SS (OLD LADY): So nice of you to come visit me, Mr. Noir. (DOG YIPS) Only one I have in the world is Mr. Wiggles. He's part Pomeranian, part Chihuahua. Pomehuahua. He's 21 years old today.

GK: I can't help but notice these sharp swords hanging from the ceiling.

SS (OLD LADY): Swords, you say? Swords? Oh-- My grandson Eddie gave me those. He hung those up with the invisible wire.

GK: Looks like dental floss. And these rifles?

SS (OLD LADY): Bibles? No, those aren't bibles, those are rifles. Eddie's keeping them here.

GK: Okay, but this one appears to be-- (GUNSHOT)

SS (OLD LADY): Oh dear. Eddie never said they were loaded.

GK: This apartment seems a little dangerous for an old lady.

SS (OLD LADY): My name isn't Brady, it's Chamberlain.

GK: And what are these enormous vases. On the pedestals.

SS (OLD LADY): Whose faces? I don't get you--

GK: Four feet tall -- they must weigh three hundred pounds at least. And the pedestals seem a little wobbly.

SS (OLD LADY): Eddie keeps all sorts of things here. He collects snakes too.

GK: Snakes--

SS (OLD LADY):Six cobras. Or is it seven?

GK: Where are they?

SS (OLD LADY): What did you say?

(OLD DOG BARKS) What is wrong, Mr. Wiggles?

GK: Look out-- he's jumping up against that pedestal with the (BARKS, FALLING, CRASH) -- three hundred pound vase.

SS (OLD LADY): Oh my. Poor Mr. Wiggles.

GK: Are you all right, ma'am? That vase almost hit you. It could've killed you--

SS (OLD LADY): I hope Eddie isn't going to be mad at me again. - (BARKS) Oh Mr. Wiggles, what is it now?

GK: Look out, he's going after that other one (PEDESTAL STARTS TO CREAK)-look out! (VASE CRASHES DOWN)


GK: Don't move, Miss Chamberlain. There's a snake six inches from your left foot.

SS (OLD LADY): A foot is twelve inches, it isn't six inches.

GK: Don't move, ma'am.

SS (OLD LADY): Where did you go to school, young man? Oh oh.

GK: What is it?

SS (OLD LADY): He's going weewee on the floor again. Come, Mr. Wiggles. If you need to tinkle, there's newspaper in the kitchen-- (SLIP, SS FALL) Oh my.

GK: Are you okay? Here, let me help you up. A person could break her hip falling like that.

SS (OLD LADY): Oh dear. It's just one thing after another. (BELL RINGS) Now who could that be? (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPENS) Yes, hello?

TR (TEEN): Miss Chamberlain?


TR (TEEN): You have a secret admirer. He wanted you to have these chocolates.

SS (OLD LADY): Oh my-a secret admirer, at my age-

TR (TEEN): He said for me to tell you that it was most important to eat that one right there.

SS (OLD LADY): The one with the almond on top-

TR (TEEN): That's right-he said to eat that one before all the others.

SS (OLD LADY): Well all right--

GK: I'd better take those, Miss Chamberlain--

TR (TEEN): Hey, those aren't for you-

GK: Beat it, kid. And tell whoever sent you that the cops are gonna be visiting him. (DOOR CLOSES)
SS (OLD LADY): Oh no. Mr. Wiggles (DOG LUNGES) No, Mr. Wiggles, no-for goodness sake, Mr. Noir. He ate the candy (DOG CHEWING).

GK: Spit it up, Mr. Wiggles. (DOG GAGGING) Spit it up. Spit up the candy. (DOG VOMIT) Good boy.

SS (OLD LADY): Well, you've made a big mess of my apartment, Mr. Noir, I must say. Broken vases and a bullet hole in the ceiling and dog vomit all over. Next time you come, bring a mop. (BRIDGE)

GK: So I saved an old lady's life, and what thanks do I get? And no fee from the Chandler Detective Agency.

TR: I sent you there to find out how long she's gonna live-

GK: Longer than me at this rate.

TR: You're fired. Get outta here.

GK: You can't fire me, I'm a temp.

TR: Okay, I'm firing you temporarily.

GK: I'm an independent contractor.

TR: I retract the contract.

GK: I quit.

TR: I fired you first.

GK: Come on, Ray. Hire me back. Please. So I can quit.

TR: Why?

GK: You and me, we go way back. Come on.

TR: Okay, you're hired.

GK: I quit.

TR: Good.

GK: Thanks.

TR: And don't let the door hit you on the way out.


TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir, Private Eye.