TR (ANNC): Deep inside the chest of every woman and man, the human heart (HEARTBEAT) -- pulsating, throbbing, and surging-its desires unknown, perhaps even to the one whose chest this is -join us now for THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS. From the makers of Forest Glade, the green soap made entirely from ferns.


SS: Bertram. Bertram look at me.

GK: I'm feeding my birds, Brenda.

SS: All I'm asking is one minute of your time, Bertram. I'm desperate.

GK: As head ornithologist here at the Cincinnati Zoo, I have responsibilities.

SS: But what about us? We've been together for six months and-- (BIG BIRD)

GK: My birds need me. Could we talk about this after work?

SS: There is no "after work" for you, Bertram. You work all the time.

GK: My birds are on a fixed feeding schedule, Brenda. (BIRDS SCREECH)

SS: But we have an obligation to our hearts. Work is not our life. Is it?


SS: I have needs too. I'm a woman, I long to be held, to be touched, to be loved.


GK: My birds are extremely possessive at this time of year, Brenda. They're getting ready to breed.

SS: I was ready to breed months ago!!!

GK: These birds would die without me. Even this enormous carnivorous condor with its razor sharp beak and its tiny ruthless eyes. (BIG SCREECH) We've built up a lot of trust, the birds and I.

SS: I want that kind of trust for us, Bertram.


GK: Stay behind the net, Brenda. They're not comfortable with you yet.

SS: I'm behind the net, Bertram. That's the problem. I'm always behind the net. Kiss me.

GK: Brenda, If I kissed you these birds might go wild and tear you apart.

SS: We'll go behind a tree, Bertram. They don't have to know.

GK: Birds know. Believe me, they know.

SS: Bertram please. I can't wait for you forever......

GK: I want to, Brenda. I want to more than almost anything else in the world. I want to make a life with you and have children and live boldly and have adventures and enjoy all the good things, but-- on the other hand......

SS: But what--

GK: I've bonded with these birds, Brenda. Especially this condor. A powerful bird and she could club you unconscious with her enormous wings and use her talons to rip your belly open and peck out your liver, and yet here she is, eating from my hand. (BIG BIRD SFX)

SS: Bob would kiss me, if I let him. He's said so in this letter he wrote me last week (UNFOLDING LETTER, READING)

GK: Bob who curates the reptiles?

SS: He writes-- Dear Brenda -- I've seen you going in the aviary almost every day for weeks now and I'm not sure if you're aware of it but the Bird Man is in treatment for obsessive compulsive disorder--

GK: Not true!!!!

SS: "and he has avian flu, which, in case you haven't heard, can be fatal."

GK: What a big liar.

SS: "I work with snakes but I would give it up in a heartbeat and go away with you and make you extremely happy."

GK: It's not true, Brenda.

SS: Look at your nose, Bertram. It's gotten long, and, dare I say-beaky-

GK: It's my nose. It's always been this way.

SS: And your posture. You hold your arms down at your sides.

GK: That's where arms go--

SS: You don't swing them. Your shoulders are hunched-your eyes have gotten beady and dark-

GK: So what are you saying, Brenda?

SS: I'm saying I want to you look at your droppings when you go home tonight, Bertram-

GK: I don't like to call them droppings, actually.


TR: Brenda? Are you all right?

SS: Bob--


TR: I just wanted to make sure you hadn't been harmed.

GK: The one who's going to be harmed is you, Snake Man. You're sick.

TR: Come with me, Brenda. You don't belong here with this nut case.

GK: Don't touch her with your slimy hands, snake eyes.

TR: Brenda, get away from him-

SS: I'm fine, Bob. Don't worry about me. I love birds.


GK: The birds smell your fear, Snake Eyes.

TR: Oh? What's that, bird brain?

GK: Fear.

TR: Fear??? Ha!!! (NERVOUS LAUGHTER) I work with pythons and boas and rattlers and cobra snakes. You think I'm afraid of birds?


SS: You're trembling, Bob.

TR: Trembling because I'm in love with you.

GK: He's not to be trusted, Brenda. Look at his little tongue darting out of his mouth.

SS: I'm tired of waiting, Bertram.

TR: Why is that egret spreading its wings like that?

GK: Not an egret. It's a condor. (BIRD)

SS: Bertram, please.

GK: A moment ago you wanted me to kiss you.

SS: And you refused.

GK: Can't you see. Part of my courtship ritual is driving away rivals. It's how I get myself interested. (FLAPPING, BIRDS)

SS: Bertram--

TR: Don't let him touch you, Brenda. Come-- Here -- I'm coming in the cage. (DOOR OPEN) (WINGS FLAPPING). Get away. Get off me. (WINGS FLAPPING) No!!!! No!!!! (BIRD SHRIEK) (TR LOUD CRIES OF PAIN)

SS: What is he doing?
GK: It's not a he, it's a she. And she's pecking out his liver. (BIRD SHRIEKS, TR CRIES)

GK: I'm ready to kiss you now, Brenda.

SS: This is so-- so savage. So brutal. And yet-- it excites me somehow.



TR (ANNC): The Heart Wants What It Wants (HEARTBEAT) Brought to you by Forest Glade, the soap made entirely from ferns.