GK: After a message from MSP-The Midwestern Society of Percussionists. (SFX)
(THEME)
GK: Once upon a time there was a bear who was too busy to hibernate.
(BEARS YAWNING)
TK (BEAR): Well-time to head down into the cave.
SS (BEAR): Yeah. About that time.
TK (BEAR): Hard to keep my eyes open.
SS (BEAR): You coming, Bernie?
TR (BEAR): You go ahead. I'll come down in a minute.
GK: He stayed aboveground at his laptop. (FAST TYPING).
TR (BEAR): Friend request from deer (CLICK). Accepted. Friend request from skunk (CLICK) Accepted. You've been poked by squirrel. (POKE) Poke. Bat has sent you a vampire invitation.
GK: The wind blew (WIND) and the snow began to fall (GENTLE HARP) and the bear just sat there in the blue glow of his screen, updating his Facebook status every 10 to 12 minutes.
(TYPING)
TR (BEAR): Bear is sitting on a log (CLICK). Bear is thinking about berries (CLICK). Bear is scratching his left flank (CLICK).
GK: And it went on like this for a while. Until one day a weasel came along.
(MINK FOOSTEPS ON LEAVES)
TK (WEASEL): Hey. Hey you. You're a bear. You're supposed to be asleep.
TR (BEAR): Leave me alone. I'm online.
TK (WEASEL): Big storm's coming up. Bad windchill. Freezing rain.
TR (BEAR): I don't care.
GK: Said the bear. He was online chatting with a Sun Bear in Phoenix. A female Sun Bear named Penny.
(TYPING)
SS (BEAR): How much do you weigh?
TR (BEAR): Four hundred and seventy five pounds.
SS (BEAR): Oh my. How old.
TR (BEAR): Three and a half.
SS (BEAR): Nice. You into eating garbage?
TR (BEAR): Sometimes.
SS (BEAR): Me too. You have a radio implanted in your armpit?
TR (BEAR): No.
SS (BEAR): Good. What sign were you born under?
TR: NO TRESPASSING.
(BRIDGE)
GK: He was enjoying their chat and he ignored the weasel.
TK (WEASEL): Everybody else is heading underground. Better go, bear.
TR (BEAR): I'm busy. Scram.
TK (WEASEL): You're gonna freeze your butt off.
TR (BEAR): Go away.
TK (WEASEL): You'll be sorry. You'll say I should've listened to the weasel.
(BEAR ROAR, SQUEAL, WEASEL RUNS OFF, BRIDGE)
GK: And the wind came up (SFX) and it got cold (SHIVERS). That's when his computer froze. (LAPTOP POWERS DOWN)
(TAPPING ON KEYBOARD)
TR (BEAR): Hey. Reboot. Reboot.
GK: The battery was dead. Penny the sun bear was gone (BEAR CRY). The nearest outlet was at a gas station 12 miles away, but already it had started to snow.
TR (BEAR): I should have charged up yesterday, when it was nice out. Damn.
(HOWLING WIND)
GK: And suddenly the storm was upon him (WHIRLING WIND). In seconds the bear was blinded by a blizzard.
TR (BEAR): Dang it.
GK: And he was cold. He started walking, (FEET CRUNCHING IN SNOW) but he couldn't see very far-- he walked and walked and eventually he found a pair of tracks-
TR (BEAR): Those are my tracks! (WOLF HOWL)-I just made a big circle. (WIND)
GK: And then he realized he had a map he had printed out on Mapquest just moments before his computer crashed--
(PAPER CRUMPLING)
TR (BEAR): Turn left at the oak tree...
GK: And using that map and a grainy print out from Google Earth, the bear wandered out of the woods and found a highway (TRAFFIC) and he walked 12 miles to that gas station (GAS STATION BELL) where he snuck onto the back of a truckload of chickens (BEAR GROANING, FRIGHTENED CHICKENS) and hitched a ride the rest of the way to Phoenix Arizona, and when he got there he started sniffing around.
(SNIFFING)
TR (BEAR): 12 Mesa Way. 12 Mesa Way.
GK: Finally he found the address. And he saw her. (TYPING, OFF) She was typing on her laptop (TYPING). She was beautiful. At least she seemed to be. But his eyesight was not the best. So he got closer, and-(HISS, STING)
TK: Who are you?
(A BEAT)
TR (BEAR): Penny?
TK: Yeah?
(A BEAT)
TR (BEAR): You don't look like a Sun Bear. You're an armadillo.
TK: So I exaggerated.
TR (BEAR): Oh my gosh. I came all this way for an armadillo?
TK: Hey. Give it a chance. Maybe I've got a beautiful soul.
TR (BEAR): Noooooooooooo!
GK: And just then a forest ranger came with a tranquilizer gun and (BANG, THUK, BEAR FALLS ASLEEP) nailed him. He fell asleep right then and there and they slid him into the truck (LIFTING BEAR, STRUGGLING) and now that bear lives in the Phoenix zoo, where the summers are so hot, you can't sleep at all.
TR (BEAR): Why. Why.
GK: Why, because he refused to hibernate, that's why.
TR (BEAR): I should have listened to the weasel.
TK (WEASEL): Yeah, you should have.
GK: Imitation. Doing what your fellow creatures do when they are doing it. Sometimes it's the right idea. Listen to the Drummer that other people are marching to and get in step. It may just be the right thing to do. A message from MSP-- The Midwestern Society of Percussionists.
(THEME OUT)