GK: I kept telling myself, it's only a dream. Only a dream. But there I was, standing by a busy highway. I was naked, covered with brown hair, I had a small white tail, and antlers, and I felt a powerful urge (TRAFFIC, HORNS) to go leaping across the highway to meet a female who was somewhere in the woods on the other side. I could smell her. (SNIFFING) And the smell was making me crazy. (GRUNTING, DIGGING) I was in the grips of a powerful urge to go (BIG SEMIS) dashing headlong into heavy truck traffic in order to find love.


TR: Take deep breaths. Turn away from the highway. Go ahead. Turn slowly and face me.

GK: It was another deer. Male. Older. Wearing hornrim glasses. A beard. Very calm.

TR: I want you to walk toward me and follow me into this hollow.

GK: I really need to cross that highway.

GK: I can smell her. Why are they always on the other side? (TRAFFIC) Hey-- I marked this whole area so no other male deer would come and here you are.

TR: I'm not looking to mate. I'm a therapist. I'm over it. I'm here to help.


GK: I can hear her. She's singing to me. I met her at a salt lick last week. We licked the same block of salt. She sniffed my tail. I'm gonna go. I've got to go. Oh boy- it's just so strong. So strong.

TR: Take deep breaths. Come.Down into the hollow. (FOOTSTEPS)

GK: I followed him down into the hollow. My heart was pounding.

TR: Lie down there in the leaves.

GK: What, here?

TR: Lie down. What are you feeling now?

GK: A powerful urge to cross the highway.

TR: What else?

GK: Fear.


GK: I saw Earl's's body lying by the side of the road.


GK: Boy. A day ago he was browsing in the woods along with me- we ate some fermented berries, told some stories about hunters, and now, he's roadkill. Flies crawling over him.

TR: Kind of a reality check, huh? Let's go into this "urge." What happens when you feel it?

GK: It's all urge.

TR: You get a whiff of a female and, wham, your body tells you to go--

GK: Well, it wasn't a case of "a female" -- it was her. She's not like other females. She's unique. Jane is her name. Jane Doe. She's very elegant. Very funny. She's the most wonderful female I ever met.

TR: Listen to me. It's a chemical attraction -- a seasonal hormone fluctuation -- you weren't attracted to her last summer, were you --

GK: She isn't just some female deer. She is her. Jane. Her voice. Her lips. The way she nibbles bark. Her voice when she sings.

SS: (SINGS) The minute you walked in the woods..I could see you were a buck of distinction, a real big spender--

TR: Let's hold on a second.

GK: She's not just some tramp deer, she's an artist.

SS (SINGS): Good looking, so refined, say wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind--

TR: Okay, but what I'm saying is -- stop and think. Find a better time to cross the road. Wait until late tonight.

GK: I wait until late tonight, some other male is going to go get her.

TR: You want to die? You want to wind up like Earl?

GK: No, thought of her is making me wild. I can't help it.

TR: You want to be spattered all over the highway? You want to dance with a Peterbilt?

GK: I want her love is what I want. (PAWING)

TR: Stop pawing the ground.

GK: I'm not pawing. These are not paws. They're hooves.

TR: You're pawing the ground. Stop.

GK: These aren't paws.

TR: "Pawing" can refer to hands, to hooves, to paws...

GK: How come you don't feel the urge to mate? Huh? How come you sit there all cool and collected writing stuff down on a pad of paper? How come you're not out there at the side of the highway, hoofing the ground?

TR: Please. This is not about me.
GK: How come you're not out there at the side of the highway, digging in the dirt with your hooves?

TR: I decided not to. I made a choice.

GK: I don't think so. I think it's that females aren't attracted to you.

TR: (SCRIBBLING) Interesting. Tell me more.
GK: I think that females take one look at you and they release rejection hormones -- anti-pheremones secreted by glands under their tails -- they look at you and they go ppppppppp.


GK: You're sitting here giving advice to me and the truth is that your rack is weird -- I'm a six-point buck and you're about a two and a half --

TR: Well our time is up.
GK: Your rack is leaning to one side and you know something -- it looks like a walker -- you've got a walker on your head -- and your horns look soft to me-- I'll bet if I just -- (HE SNORTS, AND BUTTS THE OTHER)

TR: Oh I see. You want to act out? I'll show you acting out- (THEY DUEL, WHACKING EACH OTHER WITH ANTLERS)

GK: These feel like paws to you? No. Cause they're hooves. (THEY FIGHT WITH THEIR HOOVES, SNORTING, PAWING, BUTTING)

SS (SINGS): Let's get physical...I wanna get physical...let's get into physical. (SHE VOCALIZES) (THE DUEL STOPS)

TR: Oh man. I feel an overpowering urge to go over there right now--

GK: You? You feel an urge? My my my. Mr. Self Control-

SS (SINGS): Let me hear your body talk your body talk let me hear your body talk...



SS (CRIES): Oh no. He's dead. Look at him. That truck hit him going 70 miles an hour.

GK: I tried to stop him but he wouldn't listen.

SS: I feel so responsible. I lured him to his death. (SMALL SOB) Hey...aren't you...(FLIES)

GK: Tell you what-I know a really nice hollow not far from here, lots of leaves we can lie in and talk about this... Plenty of browse, no hunters around -- come on. This way. (MUSIC)