(THEME)
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye
(THEME)
GK: It was June, and I was trying to read the paper as I held it folded up in my hand hoping to kill the fly (FLY) who came in through the window (SLAP OF PAPER, FLY FLIES) which is open because two days ago my air conditioner died after thirty-two years, so I was kind of thinking about going to a cooler place and then I got a call from Tanglewood. (PHONE RINGS, PICKUP) Yeah Noir here.
TR (RUSSIAN): Mr. Noir. This is (LONG RUSSIAN NAME)
GK: Who?
TR (RUSSIAN): Call me Vanya. I call from Tanglewood. I need help Noir. Help very soon. Big concert. We do the world premiere of (LONG RUSSIAN TITLE) which is by our great composer (LONG RUSSIAN NAME).
GK: Okay. What's the problem?
TR (RUSSIAN): We have a problem in the reed section.
GK: The oboe, I'll bet.
TR (RUSSIAN): Oboe player.
GK: I knew it. It's always the oboe.
TR (RUSSIAN): Concert is tonight. Hurry. Please. (STING, BRIDGE)
GK: I flew to Hartford and at the airport a tall woman with long black hair was waiting, next to a chopper. (CHOPPER, SLOW)
SS (SEXY): I'm going to have to fly extremely fast, Mr. Noir. I hope you don't get motion sickness.
GK: I don't mind motion sickness as long as it's with the right person. Where did you learn to fly?
SS (SEXY): Well, I'm a cellist and cellists have a lot of rests so I used that time to learn how to fly.
GK: I wouldn't mind taking some rests and learning to fly with you.
SS (SEXY): We might be able to arrange that.
GK: I didn't get your name, Miss--
SS (SEXY): You're right. You didn't. (HELICOPTER TAKES OFF)
GK: She flew me at high speed to the parking lot (CHOPPER LANDING) behind the Koussevitsky shed at Tanglewood where a number of musicians were warming up -a theremin player (SFX) and a sackbut (SFX) and a koto (SFX) -- and a tuba (TUBA) and an alto from Cuba (SS SINGS) and an auto (SFX) and also a sumo (TR LARGE JAPANESE MAN) and a puma (CAT) and a plumber (SFX) and a smegma (SFX) --
TR (RUSSIAN): This is very very big symphony, the (LONG RUSSIAN NAME) -- like Russia herself --
GK: Okay. Where's the oboeist?
TR (RUSSIAN): In there.
GK: In here?
TR (RUSSIAN): Yes. And be careful. He's a desperate man.
(FOOTSTEPS. KNOCKS ON DOOR)
GK: Hello?
TR (MUFFLED): Who's there?
GK: The name's Noir. I'm here to help. May I come in?
TR (MUFFLED): Okay, but don't turn on the lights.
GK: Okay. (CREAKING DOOR OPEN) You in here?
TR: Yeah. Don't turn on the lights. And close the door.
GK: Okay. (DOOR CLOSE) You're the oboeist?
TR: Was the oboeist and then I lost my good reed. Best reed I ever had. Best reed of my life. Now my career is over. Listen. (PLAYS BADLY ON BAD REED) See? Bad reed.
GK: Maybe you lost it in the dark. Let me turn on the lights.
TR: No. No lights.
GK: Why not?
TR: It'd scare my snake.
GK: You have a snake?
TR: A boa constrictor. Named Mister Hiss. Kind of weird, huh? An oboeist with a bad reed and a free-range snake?
GK: He's here now? What if he wraps himself around me and squeezes the life out of me?
TR: Don't worry. He's not long enough to make it all the way around you.
GK: You don't have any other reeds you could use in the meantime?
TR (IRA): This was the perfect reed. Not too hard, not too soft. And it was obedient to my will. I ruled that reed.
(PERFECT OBOE NOTE)
GK: Is that what I think it was?
TR: That's it.
GK: But where--
TR: The snake.
(PERFECT OBOE NOTE)
GK: The snake ate your reed.
TR: And it's stuck in his throat.
GK: I think it's coming from over there--
TR: Mister Hiss? (FOOTSTEP) Mister Hiss? Come to daddy-- Mister Hiss? (OBOE NOTE) Gotcha.
GK: You got him?
TR: Hold him so I can stuck my hand down his throat?
GK: Me?
TR: Hang on tight-- put your arms around him because when I stick my hand down his throat he's going to get pretty wild--
GK: How wild?
TR: Hang on.
GK: Okay. (OBOE NOTE, LOUD)
TR: Okay, here goes. (SNAKE THRASHING, GAGGING, OBOE SQUAWKING)
GK: You almost got it?
TR: Almost there. (SNAKE GAGGING, OBOE SQUAWKS)
GK: I can't hold on much longer--
TR: It's way down here-- (SNAKE GAGGING)
GK: This is a big snake--
TR: Uh oh.
GK: What?
TR: My arm is stuck.
GK: What now?
TR: Can you pry his jaws open?
GK: I don't think so--
TR: (EXTRACTION OF HAND FROM SNAKE'S THROAT) There. Got it. My prize reed. Covered with snake spit.
GK: The concert starts in twenty minutes, Greg.
TR: I'll be there. (BRIDGE)
GK: I walked out on the lawn for the show (CROWD
MURMURS, BAND LOW SHIFTING REPETITIVE CHORDAL GROUND) The people on the grass seemed to be enjoying it , and the koto solo was good (KOTO), and the sumo (SUMO SINGING), and the tuba (TUBA), and the puma (CAT) and then came the oboe (OBOE SOLO)--and it was perfect, and so was the auto (CAR REV) and four hours was a long time and some people dozed off and so at the end there were rockets to wake people up (ROCKETS) And the crowd gave it a standing ovation as they walked to their cars (APPLAUSE, BRIDGE)
TR (RUSSIAN): Thank you Mr. Noir. You saved our performance of (LONG RUSSIAN NAME).
GK: Well. Happy to help. And was the composer here to see it?
TR (RUSSIAN): (LONG RUSSIAN NAME)? Yes, yes, she is right here. (LONG RUSSIAN NAME) -- meet Guy Noir.
GK: Ah--.a woman-- from the name, I wasn't sure.
SS (RUSSIAN): Be sure now. You are true comrade. And you are my darlink. You my very very best dollink. Goodbye. I thank you from deep in my heart.
GK: Well, it was a beautiful piece. Really memorable. So much energy. So much life. And the vodka--
SS (RUSSIAN): You like (LONG RUSSIAN NAME)?
GK: Yes. I hope to hear it again. Not now, but someday. Soon. So--- maestro--
TR (RUSSIAN): Ah yes. You are wondering about payment for your services--
GK: I mean, I don't want to be a noodge, but--
TR (RUSSIAN): Here at Tanglewood, we have long tradition of recognizing generous gifts from our friends--
GK: Look, it wasn't a gift, okay?
TR (RUSSIAN): And so this sidewalk here. We name it for you. The Guy Noir Sidewalk.
GK: And that's what I get.
TR (RUSSIAN): You get this part of the sidewalk. From here to there.
GK: I get twenty feet of sidewalk named after me--
TR (RUSSIAN): It's our way of saying thank you. Or as we say in Russian, (RUSSIAN PHRASE) --
GK: Well, I guess I'll just have to be happy with it, then.
TR: So thanks for finding my reed, Mr. Noir.
GK: You're welcome, Greg. Luckily the snake didn't chew it or anything.
TR (IRA): Well, I'm giving up the oboe.
GK: Giving it up--
TR: Taking up the tuba.
GK: I see.
TR: It's a beautiful instrument and there's no reeds and you get a good upper-body workout at the same time.
GK: Well, good luck with the tuba.
TR: I got a job on Aruba, playing in a rowboat and also underwater. A scuba tuba.
GK: I see.
TR: It attracts fish.
GK: I'm not surprised.
TR: Watch. (DIVE)
GK: And he dove into the pond with his scuba tanks on (SFX) And a special mask that accommodated the mouthpiece, and moments later (UNDERWATER TUBA) and sure enough-- fish flew up out of the pond (FISH JUMPING) -- and also a puma (SFX) and a tenor from Tacoma (TR TENOR) and a hobo (FN HUSKY) Komodo dragon (SFX) and a sumo (TR) and an alto from Cuba (SS SINGS). All from one pond. It was a beautiful thing.
(THEME)
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.