(PHONE RINGS, 3X, PICKUP)
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Hello.
GK: Hi Dad. It's me. Carson. Just called to wish you happy Father's Day. (A BEAT)
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Oh. Right--
GK: It's this weekend.
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Is that right? Well, thanks for the reminder.
GK: So. I just called to say hello.
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Hello.
GK: So are you doing anything special on Father's Day?
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Doing what?
GK: I'm not interrupting anything, am I? It sounds like you're outdoors or something.
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I'm out in the woods.
GK: This is a cell phone?
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Yeah. It forwards from the home number if nobody picks up.
GK: I didn't know you had a cell phone, dad.
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Yep. Had it for a few years.
GK: A few years?!?
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): In case I needed to call my therapist.
GK: You're in therapy????
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Sure. Just dealing with some gender issues.
GK: What?
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I just haven't been that happy with my manhood.
GK: I don't think I want to know -
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Trying to rediscover what manhood means.
GK: Where are you, dad? Are you okay?
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I'm fine.
GK: Is someone there with you?
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Yeah. Alan. We're in Sheboygan. In the woods.
GK: My brother Alan? The dropout? The three-time rehab veteran?
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): We're Buddhist now. He and I are on a journey together.
(A BEAT)
GK: Does this mean you're not Lutheran anymore?
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): No, it just means that in addition to the Trinity I believe in the Threefold Path to Enlightenment. So there's six of them.
GK: Isn't it the eightfold path to enlightenment?
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I don't know, three or eight, either one.
GK: How does Mom feel about this?
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Oh your mother is so busy with Vacation Bible School, I don't think she notices. Anyway, Alan and I are just getting ready to walk the sacred labyrinth-- here at the men's center in Sheboygan.
GK: Oh. -- I was thinking you were at home and maybe I'd drop in with your present...
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): No, we came up here on a men's retreat out in the woods. It's called "Getting In Touch With Your Inner Wolverine".
GK: Dad --
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Yeah, you strip down to a loincloth and you dance around a fire and other guys hug you -- it's really powerful. I'm trying to redefine my own masculinity.
GK: Dad, we'd rather you didn't redefine your own masculinity. We liked your masculinity just the way it was, Dad.
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I need intimacy, Carson.
GK: Don't embarrass us, Dad. Okay?
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I need to listen with my heart--and speak my deepest truth.
GK: Sure. (A BEAT) What does this mean in terms of how you look, Dad?
TR: I shaved my head and I'm wearing an earring.
GK: No tattoos, please.
TR: I'm having the Wheel of Life tattooed on my lower back.
GK: Please, Dad. Don't do this.
TR: And I'm changing my name from Earl to Enjitsu.
GK: Dad, please.
TR: It means "Joyfully Genuine." And that's my spiritual goal, Carson. I've been making sacrifices all my life and being the father figure and now I'm evolving out. I'm on a journey--
GK: Let me talk to Alan, Dad--
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Hang on a second. (OFF) Hey. Alan. (FN MURMURS) Carson. (FN MURMURS) Wants to talk to you. (FN MURMURS). Yeah I'll hold it. Here.
FN (ON PHONE): Hello?
GK: Alan?
FN (ON PHONE): Hey bro.
GK: Don't call me bro, okay?
FN (ON PHONE): Let me tell you something, Dad just totally blows my mind. He's so there, you know?
GK: Alan, your mind was blown a long time ago-Remember that night you just about burned down the cabin?
FN (ON PHONE): Hey. I don't go there anymore.
GK: Go back, Alan. To the night you were arrested for drunk driving.
FN (ON PHONE): You need to let it go. Live in the present, man.
GK: You ever talk to Ann? The girl you got pregnant? Ann?
FN (ON PHONE): Hey, I love you, okay? Bye bro. Take it easy.
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Carson?
GK: You know, Dad, I always wanted to go in the woods with you, and for some reason we never did. You always went with Alan instead. (A BEAT)
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Yeah, that's one of the things we're talking about in the men's group.
GK: You took Alan camping, and the cousins, and even the kid across the street, but for some reason you and I never went.
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Yeah. I guess I just like your brother more than I like you. So.
GK: What?!?!
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): You were kind of predictable.
GK: Predictable!?!
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Yeah.
GK: I was Magna cum laude! I volunteered -- I helped around the house -- Alan ran away to California for three years -- we never heard from him-- and now--
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Okay, but Alan really helped me find my own truth.
GK: Dad--
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Listen, Carson-- I've got to run. They're calling me to go in the sweat lodge.
GK: Okay, Dad.
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): And instead of Dad, could you call me Enjitsu.
GK: Fine. Whatever.
(DOOR OPENS, OFF -- KOTO MUSIC)
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): I've got to run now.
GK: Okay, Enjitsu. Happy Father's Day.
TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Okay. And remember: the fish jumps once and the moonlight remains steady.
GK: Okay. I'll remember. Bye Dad.