SS (ANNC): The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Cheese Spangled Omelettes. The freeze-dried omelette in a Ziplock pouch. For the cowboy who wants a real American breakfast on the trail. And now, The Lives of the Cowboys.
(HORSES HOOVES, FIRST GRAVEL, THEN WOODEN BRIDGE, THEN PAVEMENT)
GK: Milwaukee, Dusty. Finally made it.
TR: Yep. I can smell the hops.
GK: And there's Lake Michigan.
TR: How come they call it Michigan? Why not Lake Wisconsin?
GK: Well, Wisconsin already had a lake named for it. Lake Superior. No need for a second.
(HORSE WHINNY)
TR: Easy, boy. Easy.
GK: He can tell, can't he.
TR: Maybe.
GK: Horses can tell. When you're gonna get rid of them. Abandon them.
TR: I'm just trading him in.
GK: You've had Big Red for six years, Dusty. That's a long time in a horse's mind.
TR: It's time to make a change. Doggone it. I think his eyes are going bad. He's stepped on me three times in the past week.
GK: Maybe he needs glasses.
TR: And he's got horse breath. So I talked to the Milwaukee Riding Academy for Young Women and they've agreed to take him.
GK: I know, you told me.
TR: Have some attractive 14-year-old on his back instead of an old galoot. Have her fussing over him and brushing him and braiding his mane. Not a bad life for a horse. I never braided his mane, I know that.
GK: Well, we're partners. If that's what you want, then I reckon I'll leave White Blaze there too. (HORSE WHINNY) Easy, easy. You still want to get into motorcycles?
TR: That's what I'm thinking. Harley Davidsons. We're the last cowboys still wandering around on horseback. Everybody else has gone to motorized vehicles.
GK: You don't feel we have an obligation to carry on the tradition?
TR: I'm ready for some speed. And comfort. I'm ready for a machine that doesn't raise its tail.
GK: Well, maybe you're right. Horse deserves better than this. (STRUMS)
TR: Oh no. Not that again.
GK: (SINGS)
Goodbye, old horse, old horse whom I like.
Goodbye, 'm trading you in on a bike.
I will miss your smell, and your equine anatomy
But you'll be happy at the riding academy.
They'll bring you oats and cracked corn in pails
And ride you around on nicely groomed trails.
And gradually you'll forget me, I'm sure,
The heavy old cowboy who treated you poor
You will be happy and you will forget
When I rode you hard and put you up wet.
But I will remember to the end of my days
The beautiful times that I spent on White Blaze.
I'll remember the smell of those bright summer dawns
We rode in Wyoming in the Tetons.
The owls are crying, the coyotes wail
Old horse, we've come to the end of the trail.
GK: You appear to be crying, Dusty.
TR: Just got a little gravel in my eye. You got a hanky?
GK: Not a clean one, no.
TR: Okay then. Never mind. I'll just use my sleeve. (HONK)
GK: Here's a Harley dealership right here.
TR: Good. We can tie up the horses (DISMOUNTS, HORSE NICKERS) One of us can take the horses to the riding academy and the other one will come over and pick him up. Come on, let's go on in here (FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL)
GK: Hold on, Dusty. (FOOTSTEPS STOP) Look at that.
TR: What?
GK: The price tag on that thing. Twelve thousand dollars.
TR: Good lord. Must be a mistake.
GK: Right. Our mistake.
TR: I was thinking more like two or three hundred bucks.
GK: Two bikes at twelve thou apiece --that's --- what?
TR: Twenty-four thousand dollars. That's more than we earned in the past ten years.
GK: You could get one, and I'll just ride along on White Blaze.
TR: That ain't gonna work. We've got a speed differential there.
GK: I don't think we could share one.
TR: Nope. I don't think that'd work. Unless you wanted to ride on the back.
GK: I'm heavier than you, Dusty. The heavier person should sit up front.
TR: Says who?
GK: The laws of physics.
TR: Hogwash. You think I'm going to ride around with my arms around you -- in your dreams--
GK: Shhhh, shhhhh --here comes a salesman.
SS (DEEP): Howdy, boys --see you're interested in the XFS Tall Cruiser Boys Hog Machine with the chrome-laced steel front wheel, the forward-mounted foot controls-the ape-hanger handlebar with bare knuckle risers, a fat 200-mm rear tire and a one-piece chrome backrest-
TR: That backrest looks good.
GK: I'm afraid it costs a little more than we're able to pay.
SS (DEEP): Hey. That's what financing is for. --Here. Try it out. (KICK START, BIG REV) I think you're gonna love this. (HARLEY ENGINE) Want to take her for a test drive?
GK: Sure. I'll get on the front here-(EFFORT) Get on the back, Dusty.
SS (DEEP): Remember-one down, four up.
GK: What's that?
SS (DEEP): The shifter. One down, four up.
GK: Oh. Oh sure. (ENGINE REVS)
TR: Maybe you ought to read an instruction manual --(TIRE SCREECH, THEN STOP)
GK: I'm fine. You learn by doing, Dusty. Let's go! Around the block! (SUPER-LOUD ENGINE REVS, CONTINUES UNDERNEATH)
SS (DEEP, OFF): Good luck!
TR (YELLS): Where we going?
GK (YELLS): What?
TR (YELLS): I said where are we going?
GK (YELLS): I know what I'm doing-
TR (YELLS): We're going to the museum?
GK (YELLS): Quit flapping your arms-
TR (YELLS): Shift! Shift!
GK (YELLS): Watch your language, Dusty. (SHIFTS, ENGINE REVS)
TR (YELLS): LOOK OUT!
GK (YELLS): You're choking me, Dusty.
TR (YELLS): Look out!
GK (YELLS): Look out for what??? (BIG CRASH AND CRUNCH, JUNK FALLING, SPINNING HUBCAP)
GK: You know if you hadn't been choking me and cutting off blood to my brain. ---You okay, Dusty?
TR: I don't know.
GK: Well, let me know when you find out. (SFX JUNK AS HE GETS UP) Looks like we hit the display of chrome medallions--
(APPROACH OF STERN MARCHING FEET AND STOP)
SS: I sure hope you've got some wonderful liability insurance,mister, because you're going to need it. You just destroyed about a hundred thousand dollars worth of platinum-alloy buddy bumpers --
GK: I've got all my insurance information in my saddlebags, ma'am. Let me go check. Back in a minute.(BRIDGE INTO GALLOPING HOOVES)
GK: Giddup. Hee-yaw.
TR: Come on, Big Red! Stretch it!
GK: Here--around the corner here--(GIDDYUPS) under the trees---there ---Whoa. Whoa. (HORSES SLOW AND STOP, WHINNY, CHUFFING)
TR: If she sics the cops on us, we're sitting ducks, Lefty. Two cowboys on horseback --we sorta stick out in this car town.
GK: How about we head for the riding academy and apply for jobs as riding instructors?
TR: What, teaching girls?
GK: You got a better idea.
(STING, BRIDGE, AND UNDER)
TR: Okay, girls. Listen up and I'm gonna show you how to mount a horse. You grasp the reins in your left hand and you grab the saddle horn with your right and you put your left foot in the stirrup. Very important. People have made mistakes in the past. And before you mount, always turn your head to your left and spit. That's to show the horse that you're boss. (HAWKS AND SPITS)
SS: Ewwwwww. Gross.
TR: Try it.
SS: No way!
FN (GIRL): Way!
SS: No way!! (BRIDGE)
GK: We stayed on as riding instructors at the academy until they offered us permanent positions with annusl salary and health and pension benefits and that scared us off. The danger of getting into a permanent position ---so we were heading west again, the same hopeless odyssey --
(HORSE HOOVES)
GK: It was the word "pension"that scared me, Dusty.
TR: Me too. And health insurance. Bad luck.
GK: Misfortune comes to those who prepare for it.
TR: Truer words were never spoken.
GK: Keep moving and it'll never catch up with you.
TR: Even truer than what you said before.
GK: Can't take a couple of old cowboys and turn us into bikers. We are knights of the road. Dirt-track poets.
TR: Don't get out your guitar. Please. (STRUM) I knew it. Everytime you wax poetic, out comes the old cheesecutter.
GK (SINGS):
I sing this song cause it needs to be sung
I stay on the road cause it's what keeps me young
To live on the edge and be restless is fine
It keeps me 24 or at most 49
Whoopitiyiyo git along little cowboys...
(BRIDGE)
SS (ANNC): The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Cowpoke See-through Desert Tents. Let's you sleep out under the stars, without lizards and scorpions getting into bed with you.